


O Lost

by Books in the Blood (WholockHobbit88)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Anal Sex, BDSM, Beating, Complicated Relationships, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pain Kink, Rough Sex, Sexual Experimentation, Spanking, Whipping, dom!Ryan, everything works out in the end, sub!shane
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2019-08-28 08:29:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16719888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WholockHobbit88/pseuds/Books%20in%20the%20Blood
Summary: After watching a movie about BDSM a very dominate Ryan finds out that Shane is a Sub. He proposes that they experiment together; what could possibly go wrong?





	1. Chapter 1

"O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again…."

It started, unsurprisingly, with a movie. For most people, this would have been a ridiculous start to something so life changing but for Ryan and Shane it made sense. They'd always had a fondness for movies and popcorn; it was kind of their thing. Ryan loved movies of all kind and he and Shane were always going to the theater but he never suspected that a movie would change his whole life in a roundabout amazing way. That was until he saw a movie with Shane that taught him something fundamental about his character and more importantly, Shane's.

They'd gone to see Professor Marston and the Wonder Woman because they both enjoyed superhero movies and they had both loved Wonder Woman months earlier. Ryan had only seen one trailer for it and all he really knew about it was that it was about the creation of the Wonder Woman comic but he was excited nonetheless; if nothing else he had an extra-large tub of popcorn. It was a cold, rainy evening and as it was one of the last showings the movie theater was deserted so he and Shane had their choice of where to sit. Plopping themselves into prime middle seats in the theater with their jumbo popcorns, they chatted idly about work until the movie started and the theater went dark.

It was evident pretty early on that the movie was less about comics and more about the polyamorous life style of the comic's creator. Not that Ryan was complaining, not by a long stretch…and by Shane's glazed look he wasn't complaining either. They joked here and there much as they always would but they were both obviously intrigued and the banter tapered off the longer the movie went on.

When they got to the spanking part…..well, THAT was a bit interesting. Ryan tried to pretend that he didn't care but he couldn't help but grinning like a dumb teenager. He didn't think Shane noticed and he certainly didn't make a comment about it. Shane was obviously just staring ahead. Interested…..but not grinning like an idiot like Ryan. But come on…..what was he supposed to do? He hadn't expected it and it was…interesting.

When they got to all the bondage stuff, Ryan could feel a noticeable shift in the energy. Most noticeably his own energy; he went from being stupidly, childishly interested to being VERY interested. To say that he wasn't interested in BDSM to a noticeable degree would have been a flat out lie. He was VERY interested but it wasn't something that he ever really admitted to anyone. He'd never gotten to act on any of those feelings; there really wasn't a graceful way to ask your girlfriend to let you tie her up unless she seemed interested in it first. And since all of his previous partners hadn't, he'd never broached the subject. Even with other guys that wasn't the sort of thing that you talked about, especially when you had no experience. Who wanted to bring up something so kinky when you had no experience in said kinky thing? But, everyone had their fantasies….and being wholly totally in control of someone else was definitely one of his.

He hadn't really thought about these fantasies in a long time because he didn't like torturing himself but he was definitely thinking of them now. Thinking on them, too much in fact; he felt hot and flustered and entirely too AWARE that he was feeling this way sitting next to Shane of all people in an empty theater. Which was, of course, fucking ridiculous…

Ryan tried to steer his thoughts away from his ardent thoughts but found desperately that he couldn't which was frankly ridiculous; he wasn't some hormonally crazed teenager anymore. But right now it sure felt like he was…the thought alone of tying someone else up, of ordering them about, of totally OWNING them was enough to make him feel drunk with power. And that was, suspiring as it might be to anyone who knew him, a feeling that he loved even if it was only a dream. He might look nice and totally inconspicuous to everyone else but sometimes his thoughts were a torrent.

Ryan stole a glance over at Shane even though that was probably a mistake in his current thoughts. He was glad that Shane did not seem to notice him; he felt like his dirty thoughts were probably written all over his face and that was the last thing he wanted Shane to see.

Yes, Shane very thoroughly didn't notice him because he was completely and totally lost in the movie. His hand was in his popcorn, forgotten, which said enough about how glued Shane was to the screen; Ryan had never seen Shane forget about popcorn. Of course, Ryan's was sitting on his own lap, forgotten as he glanced at a very interested Shane out of the corner of his eye.

Wonder if he ever tied anyone up before…Ryan found his errant mind thinking. And then was of course instantly horrified; where the HELL did that thought come from? Ryan didn't know where it came from but he knew that it needed to STOP. Even though it was very obvious that Shane was as intrigued as he was, Ryan didn't need the mental image of what his friend would look like tying someone up or what he would sound like ordering someone about because that was just making him feel warm and needy and desperate and so WRONG….

No…that shit needed to STOP….

When the movie was over they left the theater in silence and went across the street for dinner. Shane didn't comment on the movie first and Ryan didn't either even though after a movie they would usually dissect it at once. Ryan felt a bit dirty, still shaking off his sordid fantasies so when Shane started talking about food as he glanced at the menu, Ryan was glad to discuss something neutral and safe. He was embarrassed at how far he'd let his thoughts wonder now in the glittering lights of the street he wanted to pretend that hadn't happened.

Dinner passed normally enough and Ryan somewhat forgot about his thoughts during the movie. That was until he and Shane had had more beers between them than he could count and everything, including Shane, had a golden, fuzzy, warm glow about it.

"So…..what did you think of the movie?" Ryan asked, trying to sound causal but not really sure that he pulled it off. He was sober enough that he knew it was a bad idea to bring this subject up but he was drunk enough that he didn't care. The alcohol had loosened the part of his brain that told him there were certain things you just didn't talk about with your friends and that part was being replaced by the part of his mind that wanted to be able to admit how hot all that stuff was with someone that clearly thought it was too. And Shane was clearly drunk too; he'd gotten that soft, slow look about his features and words and was starting to get into fits of laughter about the smallest things.

"I liked it….I mean, it wasn't really about Wonder Woman but I liked it" Shane said slowly.

Well, that was entirely too vague…..Ryan mused. "It wasn't what I expected either" Ryan said, "Though I guess when your super hero's thing is that they tie people up with a lasso and force them to tell the truth, it shouldn't come as a big surprise that you've got some secret kinky life"

Ryan watched Shane's face for some kind of a reaction but there wasn't anything there. Shane was always pretty chill and usually when he drank he only got even more chill. "Eh" Shane said with a shrug, "You know, whatever floats your boat….."

Okay, well, so much for being subtle. Ryan drained the last of his beer and said, "It's pretty fucking hot though, right? If someone let you tie them up like that…that'd be about perfect."

Shane shrugged his shoulders again. "No, not really."

Ryan didn't understand; confusion furrowed his brow. He knew Shane was interested; his damn hand had sat in his popcorn for a solid ten minutes during the bondage scene. Ryan might be wrong about some things but he wasn't wrong about this; he knew he wasn't. He also knew that Shane was drunk enough that he should be admitting it.

"So, you're telling me if you were dating some girl and she tells you she wants you to tie her up and whip her, you're going to be like, 'eh…..no thanks'?" Ryan asked point blank.

At least that got a laugh out of Shane. "Yeah, dude, I probably would" he said.

Again, Ryan didn't understand; Shane seemed 100% genuine. And if he hadn't seemed so damn interested an hour ago Ryan might have believed it. But now he just couldn't. "You have got to be kidding me" Ryan said, too loud and with too much emotion that it made Shane dissolve into a fit of laughter again.

"No…..I mean, I don't see anything wrong with it if that's what you like" Shane said after he composed himself, "But I personally just don't like the idea of beating someone or having control over them. I mean, it's obvious you do but….."

It was OBVIOUS he did? Ryan didn't want to but he felt his face flush with heat. "What do you mean it's obvious I do?" Ryan interrupted. WAS it that obvious? Ryan thought he had done a pretty good job at appearing unaffected during the movie. Though, he supposed his interest in bringing it up was probably a dead giveaway.

"It's not an insult" Shane said, holding up his hands as if atoning for offending Ryan, "I just meant…I thought it was obvious. You're a leader, you like control…..I mean people that don't know you might think you're soft because they see you freaking out at a haunted house. But I mean, that's because you're scared shitless which is understandable. You're not like that everywhere else. I think anyone that knows you, like really knows you, knows you're not soft at all. I mean, that dark look you get in your eye when you're doing something like that Ricky Goldsworth impression is enough for me to figure you'd love to dominate people. I mean, if I'm wrong, you can tell me. I just didn't think I was…"

Shane WASN'T wrong….he wasn't wrong, he was totally right. Ryan just didn't know that Shane…..paid that much attention? Shane studied everything so it shouldn't have come as a surprise but it did because Ryan never thought Shane studied him. The idea unnerved him a little bit…..and for some reason it also made him feel a little excited. He didn't think the little everyday things he did were worth Shane's notice.

"No….you're right…I guess I just never thought everyone else noticed it "Ryan said, his ears feeling hot with a flush. He didn't want to be transparent to everyone.

Shane started to laugh which made Ryan feel a bit put out. "I don't mean that people look at you and think 'that guy likes to tie people up'" he said, "I mean, I wouldn't know that if you hadn't just told me. It's not a big deal to me; like I said, if you like that it's fine. I just mean there are two kinds of people in the world; leaders and followers. And you are clearly not a follower"

It made sense and it did make Ryan feel better that at least he wasn't as transparent as he initially thought. But, with Shane's refusal to admit feeling the same, Ryan felt a bit embarrassed, alcohol or none, and quickly changed the subject, not bringing it up for the rest of the night. Why try to open up about some very deep and somewhat embarrassing feelings when the other person wasn't going to acknowledge the same?

Ryan didn't know why he couldn't let it go; why did it matter to him if Shane was into BDSM? Why did he so want Shane to admit he liked domination too? He didn't have any answers, at least any that he was willing to admit to; there was simply no logical reason why he should be so interested in some part of a friend's personality that was so directly tied to sex. So what if Shane liked it too? Did that mean they were suddenly going to start sharing sordid stories? Of course it didn't…Ryan didn't even HAVE any stories to share. It was completely ridiculous that he was so fixated on it. He was just going through a dry spell, he told himself. That was all it was; he just needed to get laid and all of these errant thoughts would go away.

Well, of course that was easier said than done. But at least after a while he forgot about it and pretended that the weird thoughts and conversation has never happened.

At least until a week later when Shane suggested that they go and see the movie again. Ryan had been working on a video edit when Shane posed the idea so causally across their desks and he had said yes before he'd really thought about it. But would it have mattered? Logically, he knew it would only set his mind on a dangerous path again that he had fought so hard to get rid of but illogically he didn't care. He wanted to see it again and he wanted to see Shane's reaction again. Because, no matter what Shane had said, HE was the one suggesting they go see it again. While that could have easily meant he just enjoyed the movie, Ryan felt like it didn't mean just that. After the conversation the last time, Ryan didn't think Shane was lying and yet he still felt there was something he was missing. He had no idea what it could have been but that was what he hoped to find out.

At least this time Ryan was prepared for his reaction to the content of the movie; of course that seemed to matter little. It still started his mind on its dangerous, filthy train of daydreaming and he still found himself watching Shane out of the corner of his eye.

And he realized that Shane had to be lying out of his teeth to say that this did nothing for him; he'd already finished his popcorn so there was nothing to occupy his hands, which were now clenching and unclenching it his lap. God, why was he looking at Shane's lap when he was so very aware of what was going on in his own? Shifting his eyes up and away from such a dangerous area, Ryan looked at Shane's face. When the light got bright enough on screen he could see Shane's face was unaffected looking except for the deep flush giving him away. There was no way in hell Shane did not care about this…..

And yet….and yet…..when Ryan tried to gently bring up the subject later as they walked home Shane again shut him down. This time he didn't have the benefit of alcohol to give him courage but he didn't think he needed it; it was so obvious that Shane had been affected as much as Ryan that he thought there was no risk at all to the question.

"Dude…..I don't know what you want me to say…I don't like all that tying people up shit" Shane had said with a laugh. Ryan didn't want to believe him. In fact he DIDN'T believe him…Shane was affected and Ryan knew that for certain and yet Shane said it all with such certainty that it also made sense. Ryan was left totally perplexed. Shane said he didn't want to dominate people with such conviction Ryan almost believed it and yet he was so totally affected during the movie that Ryan had to believe that he cared a fucking lot about it…

Ryan knew better than to try to push Shane when he obviously didn't want to talk so Ryan dropped it. But later that night, as Ryan lay in bed alone and trying and failing to go to sleep he couldn't help but dwell on it. Ryan had already expressed his interested in BSDM so it made no sense why Shane felt the need to hide his interest. And yet he was….he was obviously, thoroughly interested by his conduct during the movie and the fact he wanted to see it again…..so, what the hell? Ryan knew that he should have diverted his thoughts away from his disturbing obsession on the subject but by now he had fallen so deeply into the rabbit hole that was this line of thought that he knew he couldn't get out until he had answers.

Ryan wracked his brain; he tried to think of what he could possibly be missing. Maybe Shane just didn't trust him; maybe they weren't close enough to talk about that stuff? Maybe Shane was embarrassed? Maybe Shane thought it was weird to talk about that kind of stuff with him? He tried to think of all the reasons Shane would avoid the truth but it all fell short until Ryan was falling into that weird place of half sleep, half wakefulness. In that drowsy place where deep seated thoughts finally came to the forefront of his mind, Ryan finally…FINALLY…..came to see what the problem was…..And really he should have seen it; it was looking him straight in the face.

Shane WAS interested in all of this stuff. Shane WAS interested in BDSM but contrary to Ryan's belief it wasn't because Shane was a Dom too…

It was because Shane was a submissive…..

Ryan had been fully on the edge of the sleep when that revelation pulled him back to consciousness and he was left staring at the ceiling in the dark with totally inappropriate thoughts keeping him up and no hope of sleep in sight.

Where had that thought come from? Ryan starred at the ceiling intently as if it could answer his questions. There was literally no reason that he should still be dwelling on Shane's thoughts about BDSM and he certainly shouldn't be thinking of Shane as a sub. It was a questionable thing to be thinking of anyway but at least when he was thinking Shane was a dominate it made a little sense; surely he just wanted to talk to someone that was interested in something he was. But to think Shane was a submissive….that just didn't make sense. It literally made no fucking sense…Shane was the furthest thing from a submissive, wasn't he?

Or, was he?

When Ryan thought about Shane, he didn't think of Shane as a submissive person. It wasn't because Shane was as tough as everyone thought he was. The public got a certain impression of Shane because of their videos. Everyone tended to think of Ryan as a weak, delicate being in need of protection because of his fear of ghosts; while of course he didn't like that image, it made sense to him because that's how all the vast majority of people saw of him. With Shane, people saw the opposite; they saw him telling ghosts to go fuck themselves and lying on pentagrams and thought that meant he was super tough. And Ryan knew that Shane wasn't a pushover or anything but was he as tough and as much of an asshole as everyone thought?

No, he wasn't…

It went without saying that for the most part, Shane was good guy. He wasn't mean; he wasn't a dick….. he didn't believe in ghosts or demons so he wasn't scared on screen when they did videos. But most of the time? Most of the time Shane was just a normal, good guy. He teased Ryan and Ryan teased him but they knew when it was too much or when the other wasn't in the mood. Everything they did was for good fun and on the rare occasions that Shane pushed it too far, he always apologized, just as Ryan always did when the reverse happened.

" I just mean there are two kinds of people in the world; leaders and followers….. And you are clearly not a follower…"

Shane's words from the other night came back to him with sobering realness. The world was very distinctly split into two groups; people who led and people who followed. That was obviously human nature; less obvious was the fact those people usually fell into the groups of doms and subs. It was obvious that Ryan was a leader and thus fell into the group of doms; even Shane said that much about him.

But where did Shane fit in? Ryan wanted to say that he was a Dom on principle because that was what he had always believed but he wasn't sure it fit. Shane wasn't that loud or outspoken; he was never the first one to speak or make a decision for a group; for the most part it seemed like he was content to sit back and wait until everyone else had made up their minds or had their say. Some people were naturally built this way but it didn't mean they were a sub in the sense that Ryan was thinking of. Maybe Shane was just naturally passive. He'd even said himself on one of their videos that he was surprised that people thought he was brave because he was a timid guy. No one had believed it…..Ryan included.

Maybe…..maybe…maybe he should have…..maybe there was more there that he hadn't seen.

Maybe Shane was naturally passive and maybe that extended into his passiveness meant he was a submissive. Of course, maybe it meant nothing and just that he was just a calm, passive person. It was fruitless line of thought…..it was a line of thought that Ryan shouldn't have dwelled on at all and yet it was one that he found himself falling asleep to, his mind swirling with possibilities.

There was no earthly reason Ryan should have been concerned with whether or not Shane was a submissive; there sure as hell was no reason he should have been formulating plans for how to prove Shane was a submissive. And yet, the next morning when Ryan was musing over his breakfast that was exactly what he was doing. Sitting at his table, so innocently eating cereal, his mind was musing over a dangerous and lurid line of thought. There were many reasons that he should stop thinking about this at once even if he wasn't going to do that.

For one thing, it was fucked up; the whole idea of anything BDSM related was inherently sexual and Ryan couldn't deny that he felt very…..physically moved when thinking about it. What reason was there for thinking about his friend, a work friend no less, in these contexts? None…..none whatsoever that he could possibly accept. Surely nothing good could come from this, only awkwardness at best and total disaster at worst. Even knowing that, Ryan felt he couldn't stop himself. He'd always been curious but this took his natural curiosity to dangerous and potentially life destroying consequences.

For another thing, he was getting into dangerous territory; planning on testing out behaviors of Shane's for the very reason of seeing whether he handled them in a submissive or dominate way was not only fucked up in the extreme but also could get him in some emotional trouble very quickly. If he found out that Shane was a Dom after all, well then, all was well; he could take comfort in the fact that Shane was like himself and hopefully drop this whole thing. But if he did find out Shane was a submissive, well, what did he plan on doing with that knowledge? Everything that Ryan could think of in that situation was dangerous in the extreme. And, he found that he didn't give a shit at all.

The last point was the most importantly; the idea of doing all of this was making Ryan more excited than he'd been in a long time and that was just fucked up. He shouldn't even be thinking about how to prove that Shane was a submissive in the first place; he certainly shouldn't have his heart hammer in his chest or his palms sweat or his breath catch in his chest at the thought. Why was he so totally, completely, stupidly excited at all of this? He didn't know…and he didn't really care. He felt more alive than he had in a long time and that's all that mattered. If he over analyzed his motives he knew he wouldn't like the result. So, he just wouldn't analyze it.

It was an experiment and that was all it was…as long as Ryan could think of it in that way he could feel less creepy about it, while even dismissing how hot and shaky he felt at the same time. It was just an experiment and that meant that he was just studying and testing a theory…..

Even if that theory was that Shane was a submissive…..


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan begins an experiment to see if Shane is a sub and gets his answer in a surprising way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and kudos! They keep me writing!

“Time passing as men as men pass who will never come back again.....and leaving us great God with only this....knowing that this earth, this time, this life are stranger than a dream”’

Shane would have been proud of Ryan for conducting an actual experiment since he was far from scientific, Ryan thought wildly as he set out on his suicidal experiment. Of course, this was insane; Shane wouldn't have been proud that Ryan was conducting an experiment on him; in fact he would probably be pissed. But that didn't stop Ryan from deluding himself into thinking it was something Shane would have secretly been okay with.

Still, even though this line of thought was totally insane Ryan wasn't completely stupid. He knew enough that he had to be careful. He couldn't change his behavior so obviously that Shane realized what he was doing because he was cognizant enough to know if Shane realized what he was doing he would call him out and it would be a total disaster.

So, Ryan had to start subtly and as normally as possible and once he realized that Shane WAS in fact a submissive, once he had enough evidence it was true he would…..he would…..what? Well, Ryan didn't really know yet but that didn't matter yet; first, he'd collect the evidence and then figure out what to do with it.

Ryan found it was surprisingly hard to be scientific about this. He felt shaky and excited around Shane when he thought about what he was doing which wasn't objective at all. He also found it was nearly impossible to keep his mind from spinning fantasies about what might happen if he did indeed find out Shane was a submissive. For some fucked up reason, he couldn't stop himself from thinking about the mental image of Shane tied up and at his feet. But Ryan was dead set on doing this the right way and he did his best to push such dirty and dangerous thoughts out of his mind.

Step One: Prove Shane normally deferred to other people's ideas and desires.

This was the most innocent and most easily observed. For the most part it could be done around the office or out with Shane casually drinking or eating. And it was completely nonsexual so Ryan could feel less guilty gathering evidence on this point. And the evidence was plentiful…..Every meeting they went to at work, Shane never spoke unless someone asked his opinion. When going out with others, Shane always said he didn't care where they went or that what someone else proposed was 'fine with him'. When on location shooting a video, Shane always followed him around unless Ryan told him to go first. While going out to the movies, Shane always let Ryan pick even if he had at first expressed an opinion at seeing something else; when Ryan told him he wanted to see something contrary to what Shane had initially said, Shane would just shrug and say, "Okay" even if the recommendation Ryan gave was totally ridiculous like a chick flick.

So, what did this prove? Not much, unfortunately…Shane could have been submissive in nature. But all of this could have also proved nothing more than that Shane was shy or that he was a people pleaser, neither of which proved he would be an actual submissive in the sense of the word Ryan cared about.

Even when Ryan called him out on it, Shane didn't give him anything to go on. When Shane had proposed an idea for a restaurant for lunch with coworkers and they had all said they didn't like it and ultimately chose another place, Ryan had said, "Why do you always let everyone pick for you? Why don't you stand up for yourself?"

It was a dangerous question in light of his experiment but it was faced with an innocent answer. Shane shrugged with that little half laugh of his. "I do stand up for myself. But I don't really care where we eat. I'm not picky" he said care freely.

That was the problem; Shane was so damn carefree about everything. Ryan could believe that he really didn't care what he ate or watched or did…he was just chill no matter what. Nothing ruffled his feathers so Ryan couldn't determine if his passiveness towards others was part of his not-give-a-shit attitude or whether he always let others pick for him. He couldn't determine whether or not Shane LET people pick for him or whether he WANTED others to pick for him.

Step Two: Prove that Shane would take orders from others without question.

This step was still mostly innocent but treaded on the line between innocence and questionable conduct. He could give Shane innocent orders and see if he obeyed but this was the step where he felt a little guilty about it. Giving Shane orders could be totally innocent; Ryan already thought he probably gave Shane a lot of orders without even realizing it. Go ahead of me…..stand over there….stay here….Shut the fuck up! All of those were totally innocent statements that were technically commands but Ryan never thought of them as so. Shane DID obey all of these innocent commands but they weren't enough to confirm he was submissive and not just compliant.

So, Ryan knew he had to start ordering Shane to do things that he wouldn't normally do or things that would make him uncomfortable.

"No…..you tell them about it" Ryan had told him in a meeting with their coworkers about a controversial idea for a video that was mostly Ryan's idea. He said it off handily…..as if wasn't a big deal when he knew Shane hated talking in front of a group.

He could see the mental struggle written on Shane's face before he eventually gave in and pitched the idea to their boss. And somehow, through stumbling and stuttering, was successful.

It was compelling evidence; Shane would obey Ryan's orders even if they were uncomfortable for him. But, still, that was work related…..did that make a difference? Shane never acted like he gave two shits about his job but maybe he cared a lot; Ryan knew he had to gather personal evidence, where he knew for sure work wasn't any motivation for complying.

While out with coworkers joking around at a bar, Ryan had insisted "Shane can get our drinks"

Everyone was three rounds deep, even Shane and with pink cheeks he had whipped around to Ryan with sass. "Like hell I will" he has snapped on principle, drinking the last of his last own drink.

It was a crucial moment and Ryan knew it. Shane was drunk himself and trying to keep face in front of their friends so Ryan knew it would really mean something if he could get Shane to comply.

Channeling every dark bit he had and funneling it into heavy glare, Ryan looked at Shane. "You fucking will" Ryan said in his darkest, meanest tone.

For a moment, Ryan thought Shane would refuse.

"Why would I? Why don't you get them, little man?" Shane had said with a shit eating grin, trying to be tough.

Their friends seemed uncomfortable by the surprisingly dark energy between them but Ryan just kept his eyes on Shane's and tried to be as tough as possible.

"Because I said so"

If that worked, then Ryan knew he would have the strongest evidence yet that Shane liked taking orders; if he didn't then it was likely to be a horrible embarrassment to Ryan. 'Because I said so' was something a parent told you when you asked why you had to do something; he could think of a million snippy comebacks Shane could to say to that.

But Shane DIDN'T throw back a comeback. His eyes were trained on Ryan's hard ones, a flush growing darker on his alcohol heated cheeks. His eyes flicked away as if he couldn't hold Ryan's gaze as he muttered something about 'be right back' and quickly dashed off. Two minutes later he returned with their drinks and a smile on his face. He asked everyone if they had what they needed and spent the next several minutes making sure everyone was nicely settled before he sat down and began to sip his own drink.

Again, it really meant nothing…Ryan felt all hot and dizzy thinking about it in that moment but the next morning, though he felt a residual flush, he knew it wasn't enough to prove Shane was for sure a sub. Ryan knew he had to prove that Shane not only willing to give and take orders….he had to prove that Shane LIKED taking orders. Because there was a big difference between taking orders because you felt you 'had to' and because you 'wanted to'. Admittedly, the blush on Shane's face and the quick catch of breath when Ryan had ordered him last night was pretty strong evidence he'd enjoyed it. But, then again, they had been in a group of people; maybe Ryan had just embarrassed him and he felt the easiest way out was to do what he was told.

So, the next time Ryan tried ordering Shane about he made sure it was when it was just him and Shane. When Shane didn't feel he had to obey because he had to save face, when Shane could easily defy Ryan's orders without anyone watching; Ryan fully wanted to give Shane the freedom to obey or refuse in a controlled environment.

Ryan decided to try it out in the safest environment he could imagine; watching a movie at his apartment. It was as nonthreatening as he could imagine; Shane came over to watch an old favorite, Die Hard, clad in comfortable sweat pants, reclining on the couch.

It WAS comfortable and so normal…..Ryan almost hated that he had his agenda in the back of his mind. He and Shane easily ate pizza and popcorn sitting on the couch watching the movie until they began to grow drowsy and began to doze off against each other. Ryan couldn't forget it…..every sign in Ryan's mind told him Shane was a submissive. Shane going to get extra popcorn when he asked, giving Ryan the last beer when there was only one left, sitting on the floor by the couch when Ryan asked for no other reason than Ryan asked him to do it…it all spoke to Ryan that Shane was submissive in all senses of the word. Again, all of this was circumstantial and wasn't really hard evidence but as Shane dozed off on the couch next to him, Ryan didn't have the heart to push it that moment. That would come later at the next step.

Step Three: Prove Shane took pleasure in taking orders.

This one was a bit difficult. This was where things got dangerous; there was really no denying that this step was questionable. How could you prove Shane actually liked taking orders without feeling he had to or without being shamed? How could you prove that Shane not only obeyed when asked but that he liked doing so, not that he felt he had to? Ryan racked his brain over this one….how to prove his point without being caught. Everything Ryan thought of ended in disaster in his mind. If he pushed too far and found out Shane liked it, well that was fine. But what if he pushed too much and Shane didn't like it? There would inevitably be some very uncomfortable questions that Ryan would have no proper answer to. It seemed like a perfect way of ruining their friendship and Ryan didn't want to do that. It seemed that this experiment was over even though Ryan hated admitting it. Ryan didn't want to ruin what they had by trying to reach for something that was a long stretch at best.

Ultimately, though the answer came from Shane himself. Ryan had almost given up on the idea when Shane brought it to the forefront of his mind one night and gave Ryan exactly the evidence he needed to know that his suspicions were correct.

Shane was drunker than Ryan had ever seen him. They'd finished the last video of the season and were out celebrating at a bar that was far more rowdier and louder than where they normally went and Shane had had more to drink than Ryan had ever seen him put back. Even for his big foot size, Ryan didn't know where he was putting it away. Ryan was drunk too but he tried to not get as drunk as Shane because one of them had to be sober enough to find their way home at the end of the night.

And Shane was totally WASTED…he'd surpassed his normal, calm, carefree drunk self about four drinks ago and was now into a manic drunk state, dancing with his long limbs everywhere like a crazy man…which was pretty freaking funny to watch especially to Ryan's drunk sensibilities. Ryan got quite a lot of enjoyment out of watching him flail around like a car lot blow up figure. But when Shane fell down on the ground like a sack of potatoes during some insanely techno song and didn't get back up, Ryan knew it was time to leave.

Getting Shane up and out the door was no easy feat; Ryan had always tried to downplay the differences in their height but it was painfully obviously a big deal when he was trying to walk down the street and Shane was doing more leaning than walking.

"Shane….you gotta walk, dude…I can't carry you" Ryan tried to tell him, pushing him up in an effort to get him to encourage him to walk. Shane only leaned further down on him, crushing him in a mass of limbs. If Ryan wasn't so drunk himself and having a hard time keeping his balance he wouldn't have minded as much. In fact, he might have been pleased with the warm weight against him; he still was if he was honest with himself but he was just having too hard a time holding them both up.

"You could try to carry me…..that'd be amazing….."Shane said with a goofy laugh, almost throwing himself at Ryan which of course just caused them to both end up in a crumpled heap on the sidewalk.

"Shane! Come on, man…..we're going to get arrested for being drunk and disorderly." Ryan said, trying to scramble up from where he was heaped against Shane. It was amazing how he could be worried about anything as drunk as he was and as distracted as he was about how warm he'd been against Shane's chest.

Shane was completely unhelpful. "You smell nice, dude….." came Shane's slurred reply, an errant hand ruffling Ryan's hair before he could get out of Shane's reach.

Ryan was drunk and completely flustered; he could feel his hair fluffed up where Shane had touched it and his face was warm at Shane's uncharacteristically affectionate words. He was feeling hot and excited but at the same time a bit miffed that Shane was being so unhelpful; he was drunk too, how was he supposed to deal with him?

"That's all very nice but you need to get up or I'm going to have to leave you here" Ryan said, surprisingly annoyed. Had they been at one of their houses or at a friend's house, Ryan wouldn't have cared but he was tired and he wanted to get out of this street sooner rather than later.

Shane didn't seem to care. He was still laughing, at what, who knew. "Pick me up, little man" he said, holding out his arms as if Ryan really could pick him up.

The alcohol and hormones were convalescing into something strange and annoyed and angry in his brain. He knew that Shane was not trying to be overly irritating; he knew it was the booze but he was annoyed. Out of nowhere, he thought about his failed experiment to prove that Shane was a submissive and was overly overcome with anger about it; so what if Shane had been a submissive? He was way bigger than Ryan so what kind of power would he have had over him? He hadn't realized until that moment that that's exactly what he had been hopping for; that he would have found out Shane was a submissive and that Shane would have been HIS submissive. It was an embarrassing thing to admit to himself because now it seemed utterly ridiculous. Was this really what his crazy experiment had been about? It was insane enough that he'd had the notion to uncover some deep and personal part of Shane's personality, one he had absolutely no business with knowing. The notion that he had deep down had hoped that he'd have some kind of control over Shane was completely absurd, he felt in that moment. This made him overly annoyed and sad over something that he hadn't even ever had nor would ever have and it came out as anger.

"I can't fucking pick you up because as you so delicately pointed out I'm TOO DAMN SMALL!" Ryan yelled at Shane's prone figure on the ground. Had the roles been reverses, Shane would have had no trouble at all picking Ryan up. This thought only infuriated Ryan; why couldn't he have been just a little bit bigger when he had such a burning dominate soul?

Of course, this just produced a fresh wave of laughter out of Shane who still made no move to get up which only further enraged Ryan.

"Shane Alexander Madej get your ass up….NOW!"

Ryan was glad that there was no one really around on the street where they were because his voice rumbled through the night air with such a demanding and dark tone that it surprised even him. He knew he could be mean and tough sometimes but even he didn't know he could be that rough.

And it was very apparent that it surprised Shane as well. He had stopped laughing like a light switch had gone off and was staring at Ryan wide eyed, sitting up and looking up at Ryan in way that made his dominate heart flutter inside his chest. If Ryan didn't know any better, he'd think there was actual fear in Shane's eyes though he was sure that was just his own wishful thinking.

"You…..you…..are you…..gonna make…..me?" Shane asked, his voice small and shaking, sitting up on his knees and staring up at Ryan. And that's when Ryan knew he had the proof he was looking for.

Ryan had never once before heard Shane's voice sound like that; scared and timid but with a trace of need and want. He was trying to be tough and question Ryan's order but it was obvious that he didn't have it in him to refuse. His cheeks were flushed red, his eyes wide and one hundred percent trained on Ryan. He was interested; VERY interested.

The realization hit Ryan in the stomach like a punch. The realization that Shane like being yelled at or ordered about along with the image of a very submissive looking Shane staring up at him was enough for Ryan to feel hot and needy in a way that was totally inappropriate for so public a place.

"I'm not going to ask again" Ryan said, doing his best to replicate the tone he'd used before. Obviously, he was successful; Shane's mouth hung open for a moment as if he wanted to argue but almost immediately he was scrambling up to a standing position as quickly as his drunken legs would allow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan can’t stand the pressure and confronts Shane about his submissive tendacies

Ryan had his confirmation and that sent his mind spinning in a thousand directions as they walked down the street; Shane did not attempt to lean on him again and Ryan could see him watching him out of the corner of his eye. Ryan so wanted to push more; he wanted to scold Shane and see that wonderful wide eyed, slightly scared look again. God help him, he did want that so much that his hands shook just thinking about it but he knew they were both drunk and this was not the time or place to jump into anything serious and screw it up before it had even begun.

So, Ryan took Shane home, making sure he was safely in bed with plenty of water and a trashcan by his bed he was sure he'd need before he made his way to his own house, his head swirling with thoughts.

Ryan was totally exhausted but he lay in bed for a long time just thinking. The realization that he not only liked ordering Shane about but that Shane liked it too had had a sobering effect on him and everything seemed very real to him now, his alcohol induced haze gone completely.

So, his experiment was completed and the result was that Shane did indeed seem to be submissive; at least the evidence was strong enough that Ryan felt it explained Shane's behavior before he'd started this. When Ryan had asked Shane if liked the idea of dominating someone and he had said no Ryan couldn't figure out why he was lying and just wouldn't admit it; now he knew it was because he wasn't lying. He didn't want to dominate anyone; he wanted to be dominated. Ryan was convinced of this and he felt that his experiment had gathered plenty of evidence to prove it.

So…..now what?

Well, Ryan knew what he WANTED to do. Though he couldn't admit the feelings behind it, he knew he wanted to explore this dynamic between them. He knew he wanted to be rough with Shane, he knew he wanted to order him around; he knew for sure that he wanted to see him looking up at him like that again, with such a needy, afraid look. He knew this for sure and yet…..

Then what?

Ryan wasn't stupid and he knew that it was unlikely that you could dabble in BDSM and have things not get complicated. Just because he told Shane what to do and maybe even tied him up or beat him that didn't mean that they were suddenly going to fuck because of it. But that didn't mean that their feelings weren't going to get complicated. If Ryan was honest with himself he already felt his heart racing, his blood rushing down at the idea of tying Shane up. Okay….so he was aroused by the idea even though he would not admit that to a living soul. But…..was he aroused by the idea of it because of Shane or just because he liked the idea of someone being submissive to him? Did it matter? Of course it mattered…one was mostly innocent and the other would greatly affect how he saw someone he still considered a best friend. But did it matter enough that Ryan wouldn't try it if Shane was willing to go along with it. Nope…..Ryan was so deep into this now that he knew there was no getting out now. If he got the opportunity he knew he'd never give it up.

But, who was to say that Shane would even go along with it? How would Ryan even bring that up? Even in the best of circumstances it would be awkward; in the worst of circumstances, it ruin their friendship. There simply was no graceful way to ask your friend if they wanted to try out bondage with you, even if you knew they liked it. No matter how he asked Shane, there was the very real possibility that Shane would be appalled and disgusted and then…well, there was no coming back from that.

Ryan didn't know what he was going to do…he didn't know how to bring it up or what to do but he had a very strong suspicion that he wouldn't be able to simply forget about it.

Eventually, Ryan got tired and began to drift off into sleep, his head swirling with possibilities, Shane's submissive face deeply ingrained in his mind.

It was a long night; Ryan had slept fitfully and kept waking up from dreams that he couldn't recall as soon as he had woken up, tangled in the sheets in a cold sweat. Despite his fatigue, Ryan was kind of relieved when morning came and it was time to get up.

Leaping into the shower with surprising vigor considering he was a bit hungover, Ryan's mind once again began spinning from the night before.

The hot water did a great job of washing away the sweat and fatigue and drunken feeling and replaced it with an amazing sense of clarity Ryan felt…excited? Nervous? A bit too happy? He felt all of the above when he couldn't push away the thought of Shane at his feet, his eyes fearful and his voice trembling last night. Shane was absolutely, without a doubt, a submissive…..thinking back on watching Professor Marston and the Wonder Woman with Shane he'd always been so convinced Shane's train of thought had been like his own. He'd been so convinced that Shane seemed so affected because he was likewise thinking of how amazing it would be to dominate someone, to have them totally at your mercy…now he knew it wasn't like that. While Ryan had been daydreaming about how much he'd love to have someone give him total control, Shane was thinking about how he wanted to be the one to give up control.

Ryan daydreamed in that vein for far too long, until the water ran cold and he had to get out. As nice as it was, despite himself, to daydream about Shane being submissive to him, was that what was really going to happen? Ryan wanted to say yes without hesitation. Sure, Shane was submissive….that was undeniable to Ryan at this point. But would he let Ryan see that? Would he admit it to Ryan? He wasn't sure…

Shane was a submissive….he liked taking orders and taking the lead from someone else but that didn't mean he wanted Ryan to be his Dom. Ryan wanted to believe the evidence of last night but maybe Shane didn't want that dynamic from Ryan? Shane was very, very drunk last night….it was possible that though he expressed those feelings in that moment that he would not have ever expressed sober. That made sense to Ryan; he was positive that Shane would never have been so submissive and open sober. Everyone did and said things drunk they would have never done sober…but the question was did Shane regret it? Sometimes, you say things drunk that you wouldn't have said normally but you didn't necessarily regret; sometimes you said things that needed to be said when your inhibitions were lowered. But, sometimes, you DID regret your words; sometimes you said something you regretted and wished you could take back. So….which group did Shane's words fall into?

Ryan didn't know….and, of course, he wouldn't know until he confronted him. Of course, confronting Shane made Ryan's stomach clench and his heart race with anxiety. He did not know what words needed to be said or where to begin. He was completely anxious and nervous at the idea of how he could fuck this up but stupidly excited at the idea of what could happen if Shane actually went along with it.

The result was that Ryan was a hot mess. He went about his normal morning routine to get ready for work but he was so excited and anxious at the possibility of confronting Shane at work that he was a shaking, sweating mess before he even properly got dressed and that he dropped nearly everything he picked up.

By the time he got to work he was relieved even though he didn't even remotely know what he was going to say to Shane. Obviously, he couldn't exactly confront Shane about being a sub right in the middle of the office but he had to say something…..the least of which being he had to see if Shane remembered what happened last night. If he didn't remember it, it was going to make things a bit more awkward bringing it up. If he DID remember, well…..it would be really hard to deny that he was submissive when Ryan asked him about it.

Ryan turned on his computer and tried to focus on his work but it wasn't exactly easy. His mind was, for once, far from ghosts and ghouls and focused solely on his absent desk mate. Ryan tried to check his email, tried to review their last shoot's footage…..to not avail. He kept checking the time and looking toward the door; Shane was late. Ryan felt sweat began to bead around his forehead and down his back; it was hard enough to wait for Shane if he'd been on time but nearly half an hour later Ryan was about to start pacing around his desk just to keep his heart from racing.

When Shane finally did show up, Ryan did his best to appear calmly focused on his computer screen but watched Shane out of the corner of his eye. It was immediately aware why Shane was so late; he was way more hungover than Ryan had been. His clothes were rumpled, his hair a wild and barely contained mess under a beanie and he was paler than normal and shuffling rather than walking toward his desk. He plopped himself into his chair, nursing a cup of coffee like it was a life preserver.

Shane was trying to appear normal but he was doing everything about ten times too slow and squinting at the light so it wasn't very convincing. Ryan felt his stomach drop a bit; Shane had been so completely wasted last night there was surely no way that he would remember what had passed between them on the street last night.

"Glad to see you survived the night" Ryan said as quietly as he could while Shane squinted at his computer screen.

Shane sipped his coffee and looked green. "Yeah…..I guess I survived…technically" he said in a sickened tone. "I don't feel very much like a human being. Thanks for keeping me alive last night"

"No problem….Well, if it's any consolation you looked pretty bad ass on that dance floor last night." Ryan said with a sincere chuckle, thinking back to Shane's insanely goofy dance moves.

"Oh god…."Shane said, rubbing his head and having a fresh wave of shame come over his face as if suddenly remembered how embarrassingly he'd showed off yesterday. "Please tell me I didn't do anything too embarrassing….."

Well, embarrassing wasn't the word Ryan was looking for. Surprising, significant, mind boggling…..those all came to mind when Ryan thought about what Shane had done but embarrassing was not one of the words that came to mind.

"No…..you just flailed your enormous limbs around the dance floor for a while" Ryan said honestly.

"Good…..good…..it's all a bit fuzzy to me" Shane said, seemingly relieved he hadn't done anything too stupid or embarrassing.

Silence fell between them for a few minutes as Ryan thought best how to phrase what he needed to say next. No, Shane didn't embarrass himself last night but he DID do something that was significant and important.

"Shane…..do you remember anything about last night?" Ryan asked casually. He kept his gaze on his computer as if he was simply asking care freely while working but he was watching Shane intently out of the corner of his eye.

"Besides stumbling out of that bar? No….not really" Shane said off handily. He seemed so casual that Ryan almost believed that Shane didn't remember what happened between them. Almost, but not quite.

"You don't remember falling into the street? You don't remember me yelling at you?" Ryan asked point blank, finally turning toward Shane to prove he was giving him his full attention.

It took a moment but Ryan could see the moment the light came on in Shane's eyes and the recognition passed over his face; he wasn't looking at Ryan but he could see his eyes widen, his cheeks grow less pale and hear the slightest intake of breath. Ryan could see all of the little signs that told Ryan undeniably that Shane DID remember what happened last night. Even so, Shane said, "No…..no I don't remember anything like that. Dude, I was pretty wasted"

Ryan could see Shane's face growing darker and darker and he refused to look at Ryan. He was guilty as hell; why was he trying to hide it? Ryan tried not to get stuck on the obvious answer which was that Shane didn't want to acknowledge it with Ryan. But Ryan refused to believe that; he couldn't believe that. It wasn't just how deliciously submissive he had looked kneeling in the street at Ryan's feet last night; it was the whole gamut of evidence that Ryan had been gathering for weeks.

But…Ryan let it go. Well, he let it go for right now. Ryan knew that Shane was lying but it would not do any good to call him out on it now in the middle of the office. He wanted to; he was dying to press the issue but he knew that this was not the time or place.

It was a very long morning. Ryan worked on editing their footage and finishing notes for them to film the audio for it but found his heart was completely not in it; numerous times he had to go back and redo what he had done. Shane was barely hanging on and looked greener and greener until he'd made a hasty exit to the restroom an hour later; he seemed a bit better after that but he was still pale and sweaty.

It wasn't until a few days later that Ryan broached the subject again. Things had been normal as possible though Ryan had had the idea of a submissive Shane in the back of his mind at the most random of times, especially when he lay in bed at night with nothing else to distract him. He had been thinking of a way to bring it up again but had come up with nothing that seemed like it would end well to him. But a few days later at work, eating lunch with Shane and just talking about the same shit they always did, Shane brought up randomly that he had the DVD of Professor Marston and the Wonder Woman that had just come out, Ryan spoke without thinking about it.

"Want to come over and watch it tonight?" Ryan said between bites of his sandwich as if it never occurred to him the meaning behind the movie and their motivation to watch it. Which, of course it HAD occurred to him but he was good at faking at least for the moment.

Shane apparently was too; he seemed as nonchalant as Ryan as he shrugged and said, "Sure, sounds good to me"

Ryan was stupidly looking forward to it all evening. Shane wasn't supposed to come over until a few hours after work but as soon as Ryan stepped into his apartment all he could do was pace around and look at the clock waiting for Shane.

After getting into his most comfortable t-shirt and sweatpants and making tons of popcorn, Ryan was left with nothing to do but throw himself on the couch and flip idly through the channels while his thoughts took off into the dangerous territory they always did when he was alone and unoccupied these days.

This was dangerous…..it was one hundred percent dangerous and totally not a good idea. And Ryan was still completely, stupidly committed. In the back of his mind he knew that this was a very dangerous idea. If Shane DID say he was fine with exploring this that was the best case scenario and yet Ryan had to wonder how far this would go and where it would lead. Could they do all of this and not let things get complicated? How would Ryan feel if they did? Ryan wanted to say there was no danger of that happening but at least in the dark in his own home he could admit that it was kind of already there; when he thought of Shane tied up and giving in to his will he felt hot and flushed and undeniably somewhat aroused. He couldn't deny that…but that didn't mean that he couldn't deny he had to deal with it right now. He could push those thoughts to the back of his mind and refuse to acknowledge them until he had to; which, based on Shane's reaction might be never.

Ryan was amped and after trying and falling to push the endless list of bad reactions out of his head, he began to drink a few beers and force his mind into some mindless video game. There was simply no point in worrying which was easier said than done but Ryan tried to resolve himself. If the opportunity presented itself, Ryan would bring it up; if no good opportunity came up he'd do his best to stay quiet. If he brought it up and things got weird…he'd have to drop it and move on. It wasn't exactly a cheery thought but Ryan did his best to toughen his resolve. After a few beers and an hour spent blowing virtual people away Ryan felt a little loser and less wound up with anxiety and nerves.

When Shane finally showed up, Ryan could almost say that he was calm. Shane seemed totally chill and completely unencumbered by the incident a few nights ago so Ryan tried his best to do the same.

Watching the movie this time around brought less of a violent, arduous reaction in his mind and more of an endless mantra floating through his head.

Shane's a sub…Shane's a sub…..Shane's a sub….

Ryan found himself mostly watching Shane instead of the television, so much so to the point that he didn't know how Shane didn't notice. The more that the endless thought that Shane was a sub floated through his mind, the more his chilled attitude began to disintegrate an a hot ball of pressing need and worry formed in his stomach. He HAD to know…he HAD to say something….he knew it would eat him up if he didn't.

Watching Shane throughout the movie, his eyes trained intently on the screen, curled up comfortably on the couch knowing what he did now, he wondered how he'd never noticed how soft Shane looked. How had he never noticed how there was some inherent quality of soft, innocent submissiveness about Shane? Their fans made jokes about Shane being a demon or a killer deep down and Ryan had always laughed at those jokes but in that moment, watching Shane looking so blameless in the softly glowing light of the television Ryan felt a bit odd about it. Because Shane just looked so entirely above blame right then and it was Ryan that was thinking about wanting to beat and control and dominate that innocence.

They were uncharacteristically quiet during the movie. That wasn't usual for them; usually they were making jokes and pulling apart plot lines. But, of course, they hadn't done that the first two times they had watched this movie together either and only now the reason was clear to Ryan why that was.

Ryan stayed quiet as long as he could; it was toward the end of the movie before that twisting hot feeling of anticipation could no longer he stood. He had to say something and hope for the best.

"Shane….."

Shane hummed in response, his eyes still on the television but his attention toward Ryan.

Ryan began to feel like perhaps he'd be a terrible Dom; at the prospect of simply bringing the subject up to Shane he felt like throwing up. Of course, this thought only increased his anxiety because he was worried not only about Shane's rejection but his possible inadequacy if he didn't reject him at first.

"Okay, listen…I'm just going to say this because its driving me insane and I have to ask" Ryan said, the words tumbling out of his mouth like they were tripping over themselves, "I have to ask because I really think I'm right about this…..I wouldn't bring it up unless I was pretty damn sure. But…if I'm wrong, you can tell me and then just please fucking act like I never said anything."

Ryan could feel Shane's cool blow away like wind; he was still looking ahead but his attention was very obviously trained on Ryan now. He sat up straighter, his body tensed up, his voice shook with nerves a bit as he said, "Okay…" Shane could sense Ryan was going to say something big; maybe he even suspected what it was. And he was instantly anxious about it. This should have maybe made Ryan feel more confident but it just made his limbs feel like jello as adrenaline flooded into his blood.

"I think you remember me yelling at you that night you got wasted" Ryan said, forcing his tone to be steady and pleased that it sounded somewhat believable. "I think you remember me getting rough with you and I think you liked it. And I think you know that I liked it too. Tell me if I'm wrong."

There…..he'd said it; it wasn't the biggest bomb he was about to drop in Shane's lap but if Shane resisted, then this statement was enough to be embarrassing and too telling.

Ryan was sure that Shane was going to deny it. He looked uncomfortable enough; he was fidgeting in his seat, self-consciously fluffing his hair and he kept huffing as if he went to speak but thought better of what he was about to say. Not to mention that Ryan had prefaced this statement by telling Shane that if he denied it, he'd never bring it up again. Shane was obviously uncomfortable and Ryan had practically given him an excuse to not talk. What an idiot he was…

Only, Shane DIDN'T deny it. After what felt like an eternity of silence and uncomfortable wheezing, Shane said, "You're not wrong"

Ryan was stunned; he knew he wasn't wrong but he'd expected a bigger fight to get it out of Shane. Ryan's head whipped around so quickly it hurt his neck. Shane was sitting with his arms folded across his chest as if trying to hold himself together; he wasn't looking directly at Ryan but he kept stealing furtive glances at him before looking away.

Ryan's heart was racing inside his chest so fast it felt like it was trying to escape; maybe Shane wasn't going to deny this. Maybe, just maybe there was hope….

"I know you couldn't understand why when we watched this movie I kept pushing you to admit to you were into all this stuff" Ryan said, his voice shaking a bit from nerves. "I'd already admitted that I was definitely into being a Dom; I couldn't understand why you wouldn't admit it too because I could tell you were definitely into it. It took me a while to figure out you wouldn't admit you're a Dom because you're not. You're a submissive, aren't you?"

Silence had never felt so long and uncomfortable in Ryan's life; the movie had gone off and the credits were ending, leaving nothing but the sound of his and Shane's breathing as Ryan waited for Shane to say something. Shane hung his head a bit, staring down at his lap to avoid looking at Ryan; he grabbed his beer bottle and drained the last of it as trying to gain strength before speaking.

"I'm not a wimp…..I'm not a pushover, you know" he said in an accusing and uncomfortable tone. He shifted in his seat and looked horribly embarrassed. Ryan hated that he had put that look there and hated that he thought Ryan would think Shane's being a submissive was a bad thing.

"I know you're not…that's not what I said at all. I said you were a submissive" Ryan clarified. "I think you like taking orders. I think you like a lack of control. I think you'd rather have someone tell you what to do than make decisions yourself."

Shane sighed heavily before lifting up his glasses to rub his eyes. "I can't believe we're talking about this…" he said, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly before putting his glasses back on. "Are we really going to talk about this?"

Ryan tried to read meaning in Shane's words and tone. He was obviously embarrassed and nervous about talking about this but there was a small measure of something else in there. Ryan thought that just maybe there was some pleasantly surprised disbelief there, as if Shane wanted to talk about it but couldn't believe it was happening.

Ryan finished off his own last beer before turning toward Shane on the couch to prove he was comfortable. Well, he wasn't exactly comfortable but he knew he wanted to talk about it and that things would get easier if they did talk about it.

"Listen, dude…..I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable" Ryan said honestly, "I'm not trying to embarrass you. I've just been thinking about this a lot. Like…..a fucking lot. And I just wanted to talk about it and figured that I could talk about it with you. I mean, we've watched this damn movie three times already; we're both obviously into it. I just thought maybe it was something we could share."

Ryan could almost see the wheels turning in Shane's head as he fought to figure out what to say. This was the most personal and intimate thing they'd ever discussed and it was clearly difficult for Shane. To be honest, it was difficult for Ryan too who wasn't exactly a talk-about-your-feelings-kind-of-guy. But when it came to this stuff, he wanted to be.

"There's nothing to share, man. It's not like I've…..done THAT with anyone. I don't have any stories to tell" Shane said, "I mean you can tell me yours if you want though"

For a moment, Ryan pondered the thought of how he would feel if Shane DID have stories to tell; he imagined listening to Shane tell him how someone had dominated him and felt somewhat aroused and simultaneously jealous at the idea. The idea of Shane being submissive thrilled him, maybe more than it should have. But it only thrilled him when HE was the one doing the dominating. Ryan felt an irrational flood of possessiveness rush over him; if Shane was going to submit to someone it was going to be him and no one else. He was instantly embarrassed by his train of thought and was glad Shane couldn't hear what he was thinking.

Just as soon as this thought came to his mind it was replaced by another revelation. 'You can tell me yours if you want though'…Shane assumed he had experience being a Dom. The idea pleased him; maybe he seemed more confident than he felt. He hated to admit that that assumption was wrong.

"I don't have any stories either" Ryan admitted reluctantly. "I've never been anyone's Dom. I mean…..I just thought we could talk about how we feel about it. You already know I think the idea of dominating someone is hot as hell. I just wanted to know what you thought about all of this. I mean, when we're watching this movie I'm imagining that…..tying someone up, hitting them…..give them orders and having that total control over someone. I just wondered what was going through your mind"

Shane pulled his legs up on the couch, curled up and turned toward Ryan. Ryan felt a weight lift off of him because he was getting comfortable and there was even a smile, albeit an embarrassed one, on his face. Shane wasn't running…..this wasn't a total disaster.

"I don't guess I really thought of myself as a submissive until all of this started" Shane admitted, his cheeks pleasantly flushed, "I mean, I always knew I liked being told what to do. It probably sounds crazy to you but there's a certain comfort and relief for me in not having to make decisions. But I just thought that's how I was and I didn't give it much thought until we started watching this movie and you started asking me all those questions. Because then I DID think about it…..I did think about being tied up and beat and all that shit. And I liked that…..I liked all that as much as I liked the idea of being told what to do."

Ryan tried not to smile too broadly but damn…he was so relived and totally happy hearing Shane say all of that he couldn't help it. "Why didn't you just admit that before?" Ryan asked. It would have saved him a lot of obsession and anxiety.

Shane laughed. "Really, man? It's embarrassing" he admitted, "I mean, I'm not some woman" he gestured toward the television where the opening screen of the DVD played over and over again. "What guy is going to admit that to his friends? I mean, I don't even know why I'm admitting it now. It's not like it matters; I'm not suddenly going to have that as part of my life just because we're talking about it."

Ryan said it before he could contemplate the consequences and he was glad he did; his head would have gotten in the way and convinced him not to do it. "It could matter. You could have that" he said before he thought about it.

Confusion crossed Shane's face as he squinted at Ryan. "What…..what do you mean?" he asked confusedly.

Now that Ryan had said it, he knew he had to finish it. He still felt that familiar pull of nerves but he at least had pretty good hope now Shane wasn't going to totally reject him. Shane had admitted he was into all of this stuff; Ryan had admitted the same. Maybe, just maybe Shane would be open to the idea of testing it out with each other.

Feeling a bit crazy but mostly excited, Ryan said, "I mean…we could do it. We could try it out…..together"

Ryan could feel himself sweating profusely and hoped that Shane couldn't see it. Shane's cheeks flushed a deep red and he was laughing nervously. Ryan couldn't tell if it was a good thing or not.

"W-what?" Shane asked, surprise evident on all of his features, "Dude…..what are you talking about?"

Ryan was back to feeling self-conscious and shaky and nervous; he forced himself to think about Shane so carelessly asking for his stories to give him confidence that he at least appeared tough even when he didn't feel like it. Because he didn't exactly feel tough; he felt a bit like shitting himself because if Shane rejected him then….well, that would just be a disaster.

"Listen" Ryan said confidently, mustering up all of his strength into his words, "I want to be a Dom; you want to be a sub. We've never got the chance to try any of that out. So…..why couldn't we try it out together? We obviously like the idea"

Shane was laughing nervously, doing all the little nervous ticks that he Ryan rarely got to see because he was always so relaxed; biting his lip, rubbing his hair, tipping his head back as if looking up for some answer to the question he had in mind. Eventually he finally did speak.

"But…..you're not gay"

The words surprised Ryan though he thought maybe they shouldn't have. Shane had immediately gotten to the point that it taken Ryan a while to arrive at; that this experiment in BDSM was unlikely to completely stay free from sexual complications, whatever they might be. And Shane was right; he WASN'T gay. He liked girls to be sure but for whatever crazy reason he knew he wanted to try this out with Shane. What that meant exactly, he hadn't yet figured out.

"You're not gay either" Ryan said honestly because he knew Shane wasn't. He thought it was strange that Shane had phrased it 'you're not gay' rather than 'we're not gay' because that was closer to the truth.

"No…..I'm not" Shane admitted, though he wouldn't look at Ryan as if it was something to be embarrassed about.

Ryan took a long time to gather enough strength to say what he needed to say. "Look…I know this might be a little…..questionable. Maybe even it's totally fucked up. But I'm not in it for the sex stuff…and I'm never gonna do anything you don't want me to do. If you honestly don't want to try it, just tell me. But I think you do"

Ryan thought Shane would never say anything. He stared down passively at his lap, thinking…..thinking….did Shane always think this much? Probably…..it just wasn't that Ryan was waiting for the result of his thinking.

Eventually, Shane looked up and when he did, he was grinning broadly, making Ryan feel like he couldn't breathe.

"No…..I do. I do want to try it" Shane admitted. Ryan didn't think he'd ever forget that moment; with Shane's eyes sparkling, his smile uncontrollable. It was so perfect and Ryan was so relieved that he knew he would never forget how Shane laughed or how happy he was in that moment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan and Shane establish boundries in their BDSM relationship and Shane tests these boundries at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been so long! Hopefully my writer's block is over and I will be posting more often. Thanks for reading!

So…..Ryan was an active Dom and he had a submissive. And that submissive was Shane…Ryan still found himself stopping at the most normal parts of his day, stunned when he thought of that. Taking a shower, typing on his computer at work, eating dinner…..he'd stop mid motion at the idea that Shane had agreed to this strange arraignment. When doing something so totally normal as drinking coffee or getting dressed he'd think in his mind's eye about Shane the first time they talked about it…

"You know when you yelled at me that one time….dude…that was really…..I mean that was fucking…..nice" Shane had said, stumbling over his words through shyness and blusteriness. Ryan could almost detect the silent 'that was fucking hot' in his words even though that's not what he said. He felt like that long pause had covered that up.

Shane wasn't looking at him out of embarrassment and Ryan had to admit that he couldn't meet Shane's soft, dark eyes when he spoke next.

"I don't know where that came from but I….I really liked it." Ryan admitted. "But the thing I liked most was you kneeling in front me"

Shane had blushed all shades of red at that statement and he wouldn't look at Ryan but he looked pleased nonetheless. "I suppose that might be arranged again…" he had said.

That's when Ryan's mind had melted down…

Ryan couldn't help but keep thinking about that scene and the ones that followed it almost constantly. Over the next few weeks, things hadn't really changed in essence; in the most basic ways his life hadn't changed. He still went to work, he still spent most of his days researching ghost theories, he still worked with Shane normally and they still did the same things they always had like watch movies and visit bars. It was only in the most subtle ways that anyone could detect the change between them.

As excited as Ryan was to change the dynamic between them it mostly started in bits in pieces. It wasn't sexual, at least right now, so it started in little bits and pieces that no one would have likely noticed but them unless they were looking really closely. Ryan would order for him in a restaurant, he'd tell him to stop when he had too many drinks, he'd pick the movie they were going to watch. Professionally, he would make sure that Shane always followed him into dangerous locations, always spoke only when Ryan spoke and at work did whatever Ryan asked him to. Ryan was careful so that it wouldn't interfere with their work or alert the fans to their new dynamic but there was something especially thrilling in ordering Shane about at work; it was like a dirty secret out in the middle of the open but somehow still not seen by anyone.

All these things were enough to melt Ryan's mind to mush though they were innocent enough. It was enough that someone obeyed him without question, that he had someone who looked to him for guidance that he could lose it. These were all rather minor things but combined they added up to some deep dark need deep down inside him finally being met.

It was only when they were alone, usually at Ryan's that the more delicate details of their arraignment came up. In his free time, Ryan had been researching all he could about the BDSM lifestyle. And, since Ryan couldn't do anything without doing it obsessively, he had learned quite a lot. While he tried not to scare Shane away by asking too many questions or being too obvious about how thoroughly he was researching this, Ryan wanted to make sure that he asked Shane enough questions and learned enough that when they finally did go full force into this Shane would enjoy it enough that he would want to keep doing it. Being a Dom didn't mean that Ryan was necessarily confident and he had plenty of insecurities that if he didn't cover every base then it would be a terrible experience for Shane and he wouldn't ever want to do it again. And there was always the more serious concern that Ryan would somehow inadvertently hurt Shane and that was frightening enough to him that he almost wanted to not to it at all. But no…..Ryan reigned in his anxiety; knowledge was the key and he sure had enough of that.

After endless hours of web surfing and deleting more search histories than he could count, Ryan finally felt like he had an adequate knowledge of the basics to begin to feel at least a little confidence on the matter. He'd learned multiple knots and methods of restraint and how and where to hit with multiple objects but most importantly he learned plenty about Shane through blushes and shy little comments in their conversations that he was beginning to understand what sub Shane was all about.

Shane adored being told what to do in any context; you could order him to do almost anything and he would go weak in the knees. He liked being berated but only if at some point it was eventually followed by some kind of reassurance. He liked the idea of Ryan being as rough as he could be; when Ryan pointed out that they probably had to work up to that, he seemed annoyed. This only made Ryan smile; he wanted to be as rough as Shane wanted him to be rough. Shane wanted him to be tough but that didn't mean that after care wasn't totally essential. Ryan had tried to warn Shane that the whole thing might be more overwhelming than he realized but Shane seemed unconcerned; no matter…..Ryan knew Shane would need some kind of comfort and he was willing to provide that. What that meant for them, Ryan didn't know yet; most of the information he had gathered about the matter was obviously about romantic couples. He and Shane had never so much as hugged; they had barely touched at all. It didn't mean Ryan was necessarily against it; he wasn't really sure how he felt about most of it yet. When he tried to ask Shane, in embarrassed sputters and stutters, he was surprised at the answer he got. Ryan was embarrassed because this seemed to be the most intimate part of it to him; he could talk about bondage and spanking with lesser trouble than he could talk about physical comfort. He supposed that said plenty about his toxic masculinity; it was perfectly okay to be as rough as possible but cuddling was totally out of question. But…..it turned out Shane didn't seem to feel the same way. Whatever hang ups Ryan had about physical affection, Shane didn't have it.

When Ryan asked him about it, Shane had shrugged, giving that characteristic blushing he'd been doing anytime they had discussed anything BDSM related. "Well, I am a cuddler, it that's what you're asking" he had said simply, giving Ryan that shy look that had begun to become his undoing. When Shane did that he looked so SOFT it was hard for Ryan to focus.

"You mean like after sex, right?" Ryan asked, without even really thinking about it. Wasn't everyone a bit clingy after sex? But that's not what they were talking about so it was different, right? Ryan assumed it was until Shane spoke.

"Yeah…..but I mean, not just that" Shane said, "I mean, yeah, I like cuddling after sex but…I mean…..I just like being held."

What the hell did that mean? Ryan wondered. Inadvertently, these words stumbled out of Ryan's mouth unbidden. Luckily, Shane just laughed.

"I just like being held close to someone. You know…..spooning….hugs…back rubs…..all that sentimental shit" he'd said with a bit of self-deprecating laughter.

Well, that was a surprise. Ryan was surprised but he supposed that he shouldn't have been; Shane was a submissive so it shouldn't have been a surprise he liked all of that stuff. Still, Ryan felt at a loss. It wasn't that he couldn't do all of that; he could obviously. But…..that was with girls. With Shane…..it was different wasn't it? Ryan felt like it was even though the concept should have been the same. At least it FELT different to Ryan. That wasn't to say he wouldn't do it or it was weird…..it was just DIFFERENT in the way so many things about this was different than anything they had known.

After numerous conversations and questions and stumbling, Ryan finally felt comfortable to fully jump into this. That didn't mean they immediately got out that whips and ropes; it was a process that Ryan couldn't rush. The last piece of the puzzle was a safe word. Shane hadn't wanted one, didn't think he needed one; Ryan had insisted on one. After huffing and puffing Shane had finally agreed on, "Ghosts are real" as his safe word because he said he'd never say that unless under the most dramatic distress. Ryan thought about arguing just out of spite but he let Shane have it; Shane was so sure that he would not have to use it and Ryan was actually rather looking forward to hearing Shane say ghosts were real. Because, of course…..it was going to happen.

It wasn't until a few months after their initial conversation that things finally escalated. Shane was testing him; all day he'd been a little less compliant than normal. At first Ryan thought that he was imagining it. When he'd ordered Shane's breakfast for him, Shane had whined, "But I don't like that. I don't want it" even though Ryan knew it was something that he would like. When they had stopped at a gas station to get snacks for the road, Ryan had told Shane to only buy one snack; when Ryan exited the bathroom he could see Shane clearly buying a mound of snacks. When he'd given a rather harsh rebuke in the car which normally would have reduced him to an apologetic puddle in his seat, Shane seemed unfazed and when he had said "Sorry' it sounded anything but sorry.

At first, Ryan thought Shane was just having an off day. It was only when they got to the haunted house that they were shooting at that Ryan could see that Shane was clearly testing him. He didn't listen to anything Ryan asked, from minor things about whether to follow him or lead, what angle to shoot at and his refusal to use the spirit box when asked to do it. All of this might have gotten him off with a verbal rebuke later but after having heard what Ryan clearly believed to be a demonic voice, Shane did everything possible to provoke it, including drawing a pentagram on the floor in chalk and calling it every dirty name that Ryan had ever heard until Ryan was absolutely having panic attack. Ryan was sure the fans were going to love this especially brazen version of Shane but Ryan did not. Shane had always pushed the boundaries when it came to spirits but he never went too far. Even in the Sallie House after taunting the demon and lying on the pentagram he'd done his best to calm him when he'd seen it had been too much. Not so this time.

So, after they had left and Ryan had drove for long enough that the fear began to recede, it was replaced with a smoldering, dominate fury. Shane was his SUB and he was clearly not acting like it. What was the answer to that? Clearly the answer was punishment.

They were only about a half hour from home and Shane was fiddling with the radio when Ryan finally spoke up. Anger was churning in his stomach, he felt hot and flustered but the idea of punishing Shane sent a thrill through him.

"Just you wait until we get home" Ryan said simply. His voice surprised even him; for all the anxiety and worry that he had had about being a good enough Dom, his voice came out sounding perfectly threatening and cool.

Shane, who had been completely defiant all day, even seemed startled by it. "W-what?" he asked, his hand falling off of the radio, his head whipping around to look at Ryan.

The little stutter, the look of slight alarm on Shane's face made a rush of power go through Ryan and he loved it. He gripped the steering wheel tighter, glancing over at Shane with narrowed, dangerous eyes.

"You heard me…..you've been very bad today. Just wait until we get home" Ryan said darkly.

The feeling in the car changed so quickly it was as if Ryan could taste the anxiety. Shane slumped back in his chair, his hand going to his hair nervously to rustle it.

"But-but…..we don't…..we don't live together" Shane said, his voice obviously shaking.

Ryan smiled inside but his face was still dangerously impassive; as if THAT mattred….it was delicious to hear Shane try to justify a way out of his punishment, especially when it was weak at best. "You'll be staying at my house tonight. After your punishment" Ryan said.

The result was immediate; he could see Shane's face curl up in a frown of desperation, squirming in his seat. Ryan knew that Shane was loving this as much as he was but that didn't stop him from delighting in that look of pure fear. Shane was afraid of HIM.

"I wasn't bad…I wasn't bad. I was just-" Shane tried to babble out excuses but Ryan held up a simple hand to stop him.

"I don't want to hear another word until we get home" Ryan said simply. Shane fell silent immediately, slumping in his chair in defeat. For someone that had been brazenly refusing all rebuke today, he was obviously back to his submissive self.

The ride home was so charged with delicious tension that Ryan intentionally drove slower just to bask in it. He could feel worry and anticipation rolling off Shane like a wave; Ryan knew he was dying to say something but he obeyed Ryan's order not to speak. He couldn't sit still, fidgeting in his chair and moving his long legs as if he couldn't get comfortable. He stared out the window but he kept stealing furtive glances at Ryan when he thought Ryan wasn't looking (Ryan was constantly looking out of the corner of his eye). His face was growing redder and more concerned by the mile and Ryan absolutely loved it.

By the time they pulled up to his apartment, Ryan's heart was thumping with excitement, his palms were sweaty and he was feeling more damn powerful than he had ever felt in his life. Shane looked reluctant to get out of the car, slumped in his chair as he was.

"Get out" Ryan ordered him, his voice harsh. Shane seemed to pause for a moment, looking scared until Ryan said, "You best not make me ask again"

Shane shuffled out of the car quickly, obviously not wanting to add anymore offensives to his already long list for the day. When Ryan walked to his apartment, Shane shuffled behind him; a quick glance back showed Shane hanging his head as he walked as slowly behind Ryan as he dared.

It was eerily quiet in his apartment as Ryan flicked the lights on, bringing a stark brightness to the dark emotion floating through the room. Ryan stood in the middle of the room, contemplating his first move, his back to Shane. Well, part of his pause was to think of what he wanted to do next; the other part was that he wanted to make Shane suffer a bit.

And suffering he clearly was; Shane stood a few feet back behind Ryan, watching him intently. His face was red and sweaty, dripping with anxiety and looking better than Ryan could recall him ever looking. He was breathing heavy as if he wanted to speak but he didn't and for several moments, neither did Ryan. The scene in front of him was too deliciously amazing to rush it.

Ryan could feel his heart racing, his body sweating as a feel of power swelled inside of him. It was an amazing feeling; he felt as if anything could happen….as he had the power to make it happen. Shane, who presented a cocky, sure attitude to everyone else was visibly shaking in fear of what Ryan was going to do to him. The idea of it all almost gave him a head rush; he could make Shane do whatever he wanted. He suddenly thought of every time Shane had put him down or embarrassed him and had to mentally dial himself down. This was not only Shane's first time but he wasn't punishing him for all that he had done in the past just for his smartass behavior today.

Ryan waited until Shane positively looked about ready to burst before speaking. "Take off your clothes" he barked.

Shane paled. "W-what?" he asked, the word shaking out of him as panic obviously overtook him. He clearly thought Ryan wanted him naked.

"Leave your underwear on; take everything else off. And be quick about it; the longer you dawdle the worse things will be for you" Ryan said, his commanding and harsh.

Shane still looked as pale as Ryan had ever seen him look but he was quick to act at the possibility that his sluggishness would cause his punishment to be worse. Shane's hands were clearly shaking as he pulled his t-shirt off; it got caught on his head and there was a moment where Shane was desperately trying to get it off as he feared Ryan's rebuke. At first Ryan wasn't going to comment on it but the opportunity was simply too good to pass up.

"What's the matter? Not capable of undressing yourself, little man?" Ryan said in a taunting voice. Ryan couldn't resist the implication that Shane was so dependent on others that even undressing himself was too difficult a task; he loved it and he knew Shane, who had once in their conversations embarrassingly admitted to liking being treated like a child, would love it too. And calling Shane little man? Well, he'd wanted to do that for a while. It wasn't as if he was really bothered by the fact that Shane called him little man; he made fun of Shane's size too. But no guy really wanted to be 'little' did they? Finally, Ryan felt he could call Shane little because he wasn't referring to his size but his state of mind and right now, with fear in his eyes, Shane looked pretty small.

Shane's fury to get undressed was only increased by Ryan's question; he finally managed to free himself of the shirt and tossed it to the floor, his face red and flustered. He kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks quickly but paused as long as he dared with his hands on the zipper of his pants. Ryan could understand his hesitancy but he could honestly say that he didn't feel it like he thought he would. It was amazing how confident and sure he felt now that he was totally in Dom mode; anxious and insecure Ryan had faded away with his lack of control.

It wasn't as if Ryan had never seen Shane in his underwear; they'd shared hotels all over the place and had undressed in front of each other plenty of times but of course they both knew this was different. This wasn't just a flash of skin seen before throwing on different clothes. This meant something and they both knew it.

For one, Ryan was actually looking this time. He wasn't trying to be a perv; he was just curious about what Shane looked like. And it was obvious that Shane felt Ryan's eyes on him very keenly; he was shifting his feet, crossing and uncrossing his arms, looking around as if he was embarrassed about the attention.

Ryan could tell Shane was uncomfortable being looked at like that but it didn't stop Ryan from studying his skinny, pale form. It didn't stop him from imagining just how that fair skin was going to bruise under his ministrations and how stunning the contrast of white and purple was going to be. Ryan felt a shiver of anticipation go down his spine.

Ryan knew Shane was trying his best to be good and silent but obviously the anticipation was too much for him. "What are you going to do to me?" he asked, his voice shaking. Ryan had to remind himself not to get carried away by it; every little detail of how submissive Shane looked and spoke and acted sent a wave of overwhelming need through him but he had to keep his head.

"I'm not going to DO anything to you; I'm going to give you the punishment you deserve" Ryan said. "You've been very naughty, haven't you?"

Ryan could see the battle going on behind Shane's eyes; he didn't want to admit that he had been bad but he knew he couldn't very well deny it now. Shane hung his head and stared at his feet as he muttered, "Yeah…..I have"

Ryan was surprised he admitted it; scared as he was Ryan still thought he'd deny it. A warm kind of explosion happened in his chest at the admission but he continued on. "Follow me" Ryan said and led the way back to his bedroom, not even having to look back to know that Shane was following him.

Shane paused at the doorway, looking uncertain; Ryan left him there as he went to the closet where he had put all the things he had bought to use with Shane. His own hands were trembling but in a different way than Shane's were; his were shaking with power and the need to make that little spark of submissive he had seen in Shane come back. He knew that Shane had been testing him today and he knew that that went deeper than maybe even Shane consciously acknowledged himself. He was not only eager to see what Ryan would do if he misbehaved; to Shane, being dominated and controlled was a sign he was cared for. Ryan wanted to not only prove that he was a capable Dom; he wanted to prove that he cared about Shane.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan and Shane experiment with BDSM for the first time

Ryan set out a variety of whipping and beating implements on his bed and turned toward Shane. "Alright…..choose one" Ryan said, crossing his arms and watching Shane expectantly.

Shane's face fell. "Choose one?" he asked, as if he didn't know but his face clearly showed that he did. It was bad enough to know you were going to be beat; it was adding insult to injury to be asked to choose the instrument of doing it.

"Yes, that's what I said" Ryan said.

"I don't want to" Shane said, his fear seemingly forgotten for a moment. He was forgetting he didn't get to decide where this was going.

Ryan walked up to Shane, frowning at him only inches away; despite the fact that he was the smaller one, Shane seemed to cower under his darkened gaze. "And I didn't want you to disobey me all day. You WILL choose and you WILL call me sir when you address me"

That was new; Ryan hadn't exactly discussed that with Shane beforehand and he wasn't sure that he'd go for the idea of calling Ryan sir.

Shane blanched under the scrutiny; he looked down at the floor, away from Ryan. "Yes, sir" he said quietly, before walking over to the bed and surveying the tools. Ryan directly positioned himself at the end of the bed where Shane would have to look at him as he chose his instrument of torture. It was delicious to watch; Shane's eyes flashing from the tools to Ryan…..growing increasingly nervous and twitchy. After a lot of anxious deliberation, Shane eventually picked up a riding crop and, still not looking at Ryan, handed it to him. Ryan was surprised; there were other things Ryan had put on the bed that would have hurt less than that and was surprised he hadn't chose them. Then it occurred to Ryan that maybe that was the point; maybe Shane WANTED it to hurt. The thrill of that idea sent a shock wave of desire south and Ryan found himself having to distract that thought away; how embarrassing and not to mention hard to explain would it be if he got an erection now? He didn't even want to acknowledge that he'd even HAD that thought yet.

Ryan twisted the crop around in his hands, feeling the leather in his hands and gathering strength from it. Shane on the other hand, if Ryan didn't know better, looked close to tears. He was covering his eyes with his hands; his head so far down his chin was touching his bare chest. For a frightening moment, Ryan thought maybe Shane didn't want to do this anymore.

"Shane, are ghosts real?" Ryan asked, feeling the need to clarify before he did anything. He was so excited for this he could barely stand it but he was still didn't know what the hell he was doing. It was hard to tell the difference between genuine distress and distress that was tolerable and exciting.

"No" Shane said, his voice was quiet but sure. Ryan felt a wave of relief rush through him that not only had he not majorly fucked up already but also that he got to continue.

Knowing it was okay, Ryan proceeded as if nothing had happened. "Explain to me why you're being punished" he said. He was waiting on tenterhooks for this; hearing Shane admit all the ways he'd been a little shit was going to be very satisfying.

Shane stared down. "I….I….didn't listen…very good…" Shane started but Ryan interrupted him.

"Don't look at the floor; look at me. And be specific" Ryan commanded.

The simple act of having to look at Ryan seemed almost unbearable; Shane took what seemed like forever to draw his gaze up. His shamed expression, his soft gaze and his somewhat pouting mouth was nearly too much for Ryan to be able to handle with dignity. How had he possibly gotten this lucky? It was even better than he had thought it would be.

"Well, go on…..tell me" Ryan prodded when Shane stayed silent.

"I….I argued with you" Shane said, "I argued about what to eat. I…..I…..didn't listen when you…..you told me to use the spirit box. I…..bought more snacks…..than….than you told me to. I told you no all day…and during the shoot I…" Shane seemed to dissolve at this point. He covered his face and stopped speaking.

As a warning, Ryan let the crop smack Shane's leg; it was barely enough to hurt but Shane dropped his hands and instantly looked shocked. "I said look at me…and continue" Ryan ordered.

"Yes….sir" Shane said, the last word a bit shaky as if he was still getting used to. "Uh…..uh…..and during the shoot…..I taunted the demon on purpose…..to upset you."

"You wanted to upset me?" Ryan asked, letting the crop wave menacingly in his hands.

Shane's cheeks flushed with embarrassment, his eyes watching the crop. "Yes…I wanted you to get scared. I thought it would be funny," he admitted reluctantly.

A wave of anger washed back over Ryan as he remembered how genuinely scared he had been; the idea that Shane thought that was funny incensed him and gave him the motivation to give Shane the proper punishment despite how scared and soft he looked.

"That was very bad…..you're a bad boy, Shane Madej" Ryan said in his harshest voice, staring Shane down until he couldn't look at Ryan any longer. Shane hung his head and covered his face and this time Ryan allowed it. He looked so ashamed that Ryan didn't scold him for looking away. It was an amazing sight to see; Shane, who so clearly liked riling Ryan up was now flushing with shame and Ryan had barely even touched him.

"Go lean over the bed" Ryan ordered Shane, finding it amazing that he could say that and not have his voice shake because…..fuck….was he excited. Ordering Shane, verbally controlling his behavior was enough to make his heart race with excitement but the image of Shane standing in front of him looking so utterly vulnerable in nothing but his briefs and knowing that the prospect of beating him was within his grasp made Ryan feel a level of shaky, out of control desire that he hadn't felt since he was teenager. It frightened him a bit and he wasn't even about to analyze that thought. But the excitement way outweighed the fear.

Shane seemed so distressed already that Ryan didn't expect him to argue. But apparently Shane could see where this was going and it became real to him too because at Ryan's command Shane's hands fell away from his face and fear widened his eyes.

"But….no. I was just messing around…I always do that….it was just me being stupid. I mean…it didn't mean anything…..I just….."Shane's words rushed out of him like a flood, panic evident in every one of them. He held his hands up as he tried to explain away his behavior, as if beseeching Ryan not to whip him. And it was a pitiful sight, Ryan had to admit…but it was a test and one that Ryan wasn't going to fail. If his words didn't command instant obedience, then what kind of Dom was he going to be?

So, in the middle of Shane's tirade of begging, without asking again, he grabbed Shane by the head, his fist full of dark hair, and slammed him face first against the bed. Pressing Shane down into the blanket with enough force to make sure Shane was sufficiently uncomfortable, Ryan leaned down to whisper in Shane's ear.

"When I tell you to do something, you do it. You don't argue; now what do you say?" Ryan asked in a quiet but dangerously dark voice. Ryan kept his fingers in Shane's hair but relaxed enough that Shane could lift his face from where it was buried in the bed so he could speak.

"I'm sorry" Shane instantly rasped out, his voice panicked.

Ryan gave Shane's hair a rough pull, bringing back his whole head. A whimpering cry wrenched out of Shane's mouth that made Ryan ache inside. "I'm sorry, what?" Ryan asked, putting as much menace into his words as he could.

Ryan gave Shane's hair another pull, just to hear that cry again. Shane whimpered and gasped out, "I'm sorry, sir"

Ryan let go of Shane's head so fast that fell face forward onto the bed. Whether because he was afraid to move or trying to hide his face, Shane kept his face down on the bed, turned away from Ryan.

Ryan placed the crop against Shane's bottom, teasing him but not hitting him yet. "You're going to count and you're going to do it loud enough for me to hear. If you mess up, you start again from one" Ryan told him.

"How many?" Shane asked, obviously before he could think about not doing it.

Ryan gave Shane a decent smack on the bottom with the crop; he would have started easier but with Shane's lip he decided not to. And he wasn't disappointed; Shane's breath caught sharply in his throat before whimpering out.

"You don't speak unless I ask you to and right now all I asked you to do was count. That one was for your lip; it doesn't count. You just count; I'll let you know when you've had enough" Ryan said.

Ryan placed the crop on the bed next to Shane, right in his path of view; he enjoyed watching Shane's eyes get wide as he looked at it. Ryan walked to the closet and though he knew that Shane had to wonder what he was doing, he didn't move to look. Well, he could be good when he wanted to be…..

Ryan pulled out a length of rope and felt a shiver run through him as he felt it in his hands. Gripping it tight, he walked back over to where Shane was leaning over on the bed. Grabbing Shane's hands he pulled them back behind his back and began to wind the rope around his wrists; not hard enough to really hurt him but enough to hold him and to be uncomfortable. Ryan could hear Shane's breathing quicken and felt his own do the same.

Ryan grabbed the crop back off the bed and let it run slowly down the skin of Shane's back until he got to his bottom; he could see the goose bumps pop up along Shane's pale, responsive skin. Ryan paused for long enough to take a deep breath to steady the wild excitement making his heart race. Feeling power run down the length of his arm, he smacked Shane as hard as he had the first time.

Ryan could see Shane's hands clench and pull against his bounds and heard him whimper. "One" Shane gasped.

Ryan was glad that Shane couldn't see his face from this point; he couldn't help but smile at the sound and he thought that maybe that might ruin his Dom impression. But fuck…..seriously? Shane's desperate, whimpering cry was enough to make his head melt.

Ryan didn't give Shane a moment to recover.

"Two…..Three…..F-four…"Shane counted, his voice growing quieter and harder to get out. Ryan could see Shane bury his face in the covers for a moment, his body shaking as his breath grew heavy.

"Five…six….s…s…se…"

Shane was squirming under him in pain; he was panting by this point and though he kept trying to get it out, it didn't seem he could manage.

"What's that? I think you missed one" Ryan said darkly. He hit Shane again, causing a tremor to go through Shane's body. "Start over"

Ryan could see Shane bite his lip so hard that he was sure that it would leave a mark; he clenched his eyes. "One…" he said, sounding desperate and in pain.

"Two…..Three…Four…..F…f…Five…" Shane counted as Ryan smacked him. His face red and tears were appearing at the corners of his eyes. Ryan was sure that if his hands weren't bound, he'd be gripping the sheets in pain. Ryan was sure that he had to be bruising by this point; he had to be in a lot of pain. But he was taking it pretty damn well for someone that hadn't done this before.

Eaten away with curiosity and moving too fast to doubt himself, Ryan pulled down Shane's underwear to expose his butt. Well…..seeing Shane's ass was a new thing and maybe it should have made him feel weirder but it didn't. Because he wasn't really looking at Shane's ass or rather lack thereof, he was so skinny…..well, maybe he was a bit. But more than that he was looking at the red, angry looking welts that covered it….bruises were beginning to color his skin but Ryan thought that maybe he had a bit more in him.

When he hit Shane against his bare skin without the flimsy cover of his underwear, he went from whimpering to screaming.

"Six…..seven…"

And Shane could SCREAM…Ryan worried for a moment that he might frighten the neighbors. But that worry only lasted a moment because Ryan was too distracted by how much he LIKED the sound of Shane's screams. Maybe he shouldn't have enjoyed it….but then again he supposed it didn't matter because Shane liked him doing this to him. If he was fucked up then so was Shane.

"Eight…..nine…..FUCK…"

THAT was a sound that Ryan was going never going to forget…..as hot as Shane's screaming was, hearing him curse like that was hotter. Sure, he'd heard Shane say fuck all the time, it wasn't new; that TONE was new though. Pained, desperate…..he wanted to say aroused? Well, that would make two of them, though Ryan was a lot more eager to analyze the fact that Shane was aroused by this than the fact that he was.

Shane's face was red; sweat was running across his face from his forehead and mingling from the tears that had come from his watering eyes. He was panting like he'd run a mile and Ryan figured he was done; he hadn't given in but Ryan was beginning to see that Shane, who was so stubborn in other aspects ,was just as stubborn in this way too. Ryan was going to give him one last smack, even if he did just want to hear that sound again.

Ryan gave Shane one last hard smack; Shane seemed incapable of speech at this point. He didn't count and he didn't curse. He just screamed and then whimpered pathetically. Ryan looked at Shane's bruised bottom. His first thought was that it was a bit beautiful; he was glad no one could hear that and it was just in his head because it sounded ridiculous. Bruises and welts, especially on Shane's ass shouldn't have been beautiful. But it was…..deep, pink welts covered his bottom from one side to the other, broken up by patchy bruises of blue and purple. Ryan resisted the urge to run his hands over it; that would be just too fucking creepy.

His eyes still trained on Shane's ass, Ryan said, "Do you have anything to tell me?"

It took a while for Shane to be able to speak; his breath was fast and shallow and as it gradually began to slow down Shane spoke.

"I'm sorry…..sir. Ryan…"Shane said. His voice cut Ryan to the heart. He'd told Shane to call him sir but the way he said his name just then…..just that one word, Ryan, sounded so apologetic and sad.

"I shouldn't have argued with you…..I shouldn't have disobeyed…I shouldn't have tried to scare you. I'm sorry"

That's all Ryan needed; Shane was done and Ryan was done. All the anger was gone and it was replaced by something else deep down inside him. He didn't know what it was but as deeply as he'd felt the want and need to hurt Shane, he was feeling something else entirely different that he couldn't place.

Ryan untied the ropes from around Shane's wrists and his hands fell limply away from his back to the bed; already Ryan could see red, irritated rings of skin where he'd dug in so hard as he struggled. As gingerly as he could, he pulled Shane's underwear back to where it was supposed to be; he knew it probably would hurt him more than necessary but he wanted to give him some dignity. As much as Ryan wanted to admire his handiwork he figured that Shane would not want his ass hanging out when he came down off his high.

Shane sat down as gently as he could on the bed but Ryan could see pain cross his face. He looked pale and sweaty and a bit miserable. He looked up from the bed at Ryan and that's when he realized that he was waiting…Shane wasn't miserable because he was in pain. He was upset because he needed assurance. After everything that had happened, that look and that open vulnerability in Shane's eyes was the most intimate thing about it all. Shane trusted him SO much…Ryan didn't realize how much until just now. Was this new? Had Shane always felt that way? Ryan was sure that he knew the answer to that; Shane HAD always felt that way, it was just now that he was seeing it because he knew what to look for. This was the bit that no one told you about; the responsibility. How monumental the responsibility was to take care of and protect your sub; how you could easily beat their body but taking care of their feelings was much harder. Ryan already knew though that it was a responsibility he WANTED; he wanted to take care of Shane and he felt very fortunate that he was the one that got the privilege of doing that. But the gravity of it was all a bit earthshaking too.

"It's alright…..it's all over now" Ryan assured Shane, reaching a hand up and brushing away the moisture from Shane's cheeks.

Despite still looking hot and flustered and in pain, the deep sadness in those eyes was gone at his assurance. His face relaxed; he closed his eyes as Ryan touched his cheek. "Can I…..can I…"Shane asked quietly but he seemed to hesitate.

"Go on, Shane…tell me what you want to say" Ryan prodded him gently.

Shane kept his eyes closed. "Can I…..have a hug?"

That tone was enough to rip through Ryan's heart and it was totally unexpected. That he liked beating Shane and the sound of his screams was expected. That he liked the image of Shane at his knees, submissive and at his mercy was expected. But that Ryan would like the genuine total softness that was post-scene Shane took him by surprise. When Shane had told him how much he liked being hugged and cuddled he had been hesitate if not downright cautious. But seeing Shane's open, trusting eyes and that soft, gentle expression in his voice as he looked at Ryan asking for something that was so simple but that he alone could give broke something inside of Ryan that he didn't expect to be broken.

"Of course you can" Ryan said honestly, holding out his arms into which Shane rushed almost automatically.

A few weeks ago the idea that Shane would not only be hugging him but actually begging him for a hug would have been revolutionary; now it just somehow felt…right….

Ryan wasn't exactly a hugger; of course he hugged his girlfriends but he wasn't the type to hug his friends or even his family for just no reason. But Shane very clearly was a hugger and while Ryan would have thought before just now that if he hugged Shane it would have purely for Shane's benefit he saw very clearly now that maybe hugs weren't all that bad and for sure it wasn't just for Shane's benefit.

That deep and needy place that was aching inside of Ryan as the domination scene had melted away was quickly fading away at the sensation of Shane's arms wrapping around him, the press of Shane's head against his chest and the gentle breath of a sigh against his skin through his t-shirt. As Shane rested against him, hot and full of heavy breathing but somehow full of life it made something inside Ryan come alive that he didn't even realize was dead. Shane's long arms wrapped so completely around Ryan that he could reach all the way around his back and then some and his face was pressed into Ryan's stomach as if he was holding to Ryan for dear life. And that was the true miracle, the real reason Ryan was shook; that he had been beating Shane into a bruised pulp moments ago and yet he still wanted to cling to him in comfort. Ryan knew this phenomenon in theory for sure; the idea that you could have someone so submissive to you that they could trust you one moment to brutally punish them and to physically comfort them the next. Ryan knew this idea in theory….but he never expected to be the recipient of that kind of submissiveness. And sure as hell not from Shane Madej…..

Ryan didn't think that Shane was ever going to let him go. His breath was coming in fast and hurried and for a moment Ryan worried he might be crying but he wasn't; he was just trying to catch his breath and find his place back on earth after such an intense scene. His breath rasped in and out against Ryan's shirt in little hot bursts, his fingers digging into Ryan's hips as he held on for dear life. Ryan thought he'd hold on forever until Shane eventually broke the silence.

"My ass hurts….."

It was so open, so real, so vulnerable that Ryan had to laugh a bit. He tried to quiet his laughter but he knew the quiet shaking of his body against Shane's was very noticeable. Ryan knew this without asking Shane and he immediately knew he had to say something to make things not weird. It WAS funny to be sure; and Ryan had that awkward laughter response from recalling just how hot and aroused he'd been by beating Shane and seeing his marks. But still….he HAD to say something….

"I think I might have something to help with that" Ryan offered, remembering the cooling gel he'd bought in the preparation of the hope of this moment.

Shane still hadn't let go of him but he squeezed Ryan extra tightly so that Ryan felt a warm rush throughout his body that no hug had ever made him feel before. "Ryan Bergara…..always thinking of everything" Shane said with a slight laugh that made a puff of warm breath brush against Ryan's stomach and set him on fire.

There was a moment when Ryan thought of automatically of making a joke; when he looked at Shane's goofy face laughing or thought of how to refute it out of uncomfortable self-consciousness. He thought of a dozen jokes where Shane was weak and therefor needed Ryan to save him or where Shane couldn't take care of himself and needed Ryan to do it for him. But he didn't say any of them; Shane wasn't weak but he did NEED Ryan. And far from that being funny it was actually pretty amazing. Shane did need him in more ways than Ryan realized and Ryan was happy to be his care taker.

Ryan looked down at Shane and felt a shiver go through him as his eyes met Shane's deep gaze. "It's my job to think of everything" Ryan said simply. He hoped that Shane could read the meaning behind those few words and by the small smile on Shane's lips said he did. Ryan was the Dom; if he couldn't take care of Shane properly then he didn't deserve him. And Ryan definitely wanted to deserve him.

"I'll be right back" Ryan assured Shane as he gently detached himself from Shane's embrace. As soon as he stepped away from Shane he felt the loss; he felt that nagging empty feeling and colder than he should have.

Ryan went to the bathroom to retrieve the gel but found himself pausing a moment, staring at his reflection in the mirror. His face was redder than he expected, his forehead still dotted with sweat from the exertion and excitement of the scene. For a moment, he seemed hyperaware of everything; the cool breeze of the air conditioning on his sweaty skin, the sting of the bright bathroom light on his eyes, how his arms ached a bit from all the pressure he'd put into gripping that crop….the realization of what had just happened between him and Shane….

He had just SPANKED his best friend…..very thoroughly. That should have been the weirdest thing that Ryan had ever done but somehow it wasn't. He'd loved it….maybe even a little too much. But as quickly as he was hit with the revelation of how totally FINE he was with it, he was hit with the nagging worry that maybe Shane wouldn't feel the same way. What if he felt werided out now that it was all over? What if he was okay now but tomorrow they woke up and it would be strange? Ryan grabbed the cooling gel and dashed back toward his bedroom; he was suddenly feeling a sensation of post coital insecurity which was ridiculous considering they'd barely touched but it was there nonetheless.

When Ryan got back to his bedroom, Shane was lying stretched out on his stomach on the bed. Ryan paused at the doorway for a moment just looking at him. This was sure as hell not a scene that he would have ever thought he'd see; Shane stretched out on his bed in just his underwear with his face in pressed into the pillow…..incidentally the pillow that Ryan always slept on.

As quietly as he could, Ryan walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed next to Shane. Grabbing a blanket he had draped over the head board, Ryan placed in gently across the upper half of Shane's body, seeing the goose bumps dotting his pale skin. When Ryan tucked it in ever so gently around Shane, he heard him sigh so quietly Ryan just barely heard it.

Now that the intensity of the scene had dissipated, Ryan felt a bit shy and embarrassed at the idea of exposing and touching Shane's ass. He wanted to see Shane's bruises again for sure but he felt his face heat up as his hands hovered over the waist band of his underwear; he was glad again that Shane was facing the other way and couldn't see him blushing.

Ryan tentatively pulled down Shane's underwear and immediately heard a sharp hiss of breath come from Shane at contact.

"Sorry!" Ryan said, automatically stopping, worrying he was hurting him; of course that was ridiculous in light of the fact that it was his relentless beating that had hurt Shane in the first place.

Shane turned his face so that he could look back at Ryan; to Ryan's surprise, he was grinning mischievously. "I'm not going to break" he said with a bit of cheek. Ryan couldn't help but smile himself, struck with the reality of how ridiculous he was being. Of course Shane wasn't going to break; he'd more than proved that.

Ryan put some of the gel into his palm, making himself instantly rub it against Shane's skin, not giving himself a chance to become too embarrassed about it. He was just rubbing his friend's naked ass…..there was totally nothing strange in that…

But the sense of it being strange or unusual faded away as soon as a sound that was a like a sigh and a moan mixed together began to rip from Shane's throat as Ryan rubbed the gel onto his wounds. That warm stirring deep inside him that he'd felt earlier and didn't want to recognize it as the desire he clearly felt ran through him at that sound because…..well…..it WAS a bit obscene. Shane surely sounded like Ryan was doing a hell of a lot more to him than rubbing in gel.

Is this what Shane sounds like when he has sex? Ryan wondered as a particularly loud moan echoed through the room. Instantly, he wondered what the hell was wrong with him for thinking such a thing. But, once it was there, of course he couldn't get rid of it.

"You….uh…..you okay?" Ryan asked, coughing the gruffness out of his voice and thinking, Because I don't think I am…..

His tone must have betrayed more than he had wanted it to because Shane chuckled a bit. "I know I'm loud but ….I'm fine" he said, his eyes closing contentedly.

"So…..I'm not….hurting you?" Ryan asked, knowing already really that he wasn't, but getting too entirely caught up in Shane's 'being loud'. Because Shane wasn't LOUD in most senses of the word; he wasn't a talker or a pushy kind of person he was just loud in the sense of screaming and moaning. Basically, just loud in stuff that had to do with sex…Ryan forced himself off that train of thought because he knew he couldn't let his mind wander down that road.

"You are DEFINITLY not hurting me" Shane said with a smile but now trying to stifle what sounded like a moan in his throat.

Ryan lingered on the task much longer than was necessary but he was quite sure that Shane wasn't complaining. Shane continued to hum and as he tried to be quieter but eventually he seemed to grow tired of that and grew loud again; Ryan was not the least bit sad at that. And, of course, he spent plenty of time making a mental picture of the beauty that was the bruises, now all fully come out, on Shane's skin.

When Shane kept yawning vigorously and making Ryan do the same it was his clue to stop and think about going to sleep. He hadn't realized until it hit him all of a sudden how tired he was; they'd both had a long day even without adding all of this domination stuff in. And the pure adrenaline fueled excitement that was adding this new element to their relationship along with the throbbing fear that he'd felt on their shoot was enough to thoroughly drain Ryan.

Ryan pulled Shane's underwear back into place and with a residual sigh, Shane rolled over onto his side. He looked at Ryan totally, completely contently and it was a look that Ryan was sure he would never forget. Because that wasn't a look that he saw on Shane's face often and he was the one that had put it there.

"Do you think this is weird?" Shane asked after their eyes had stayed on locked on each other for longer than they should have.

The question didn't inspire the fear in Ryan that it maybe should have or would have a short time ago. If Shane looked nervous or embarrassed or if he asked in a worried tone, Ryan would have worried. But the calm, content look on Shane's face combined with the slight laugh was enough to reassure Ryan that he wasn't asking the question because he regretted it; most likely he was struck with the strange satisfaction that this had really happened.

Ryan looked from himself to Shane who was still mostly naked, sitting on his bed together. "We've done some really crazy shit…..but this has to be the weirdest by far. And I'm not the least bit sorry" Ryan said enthusiastically.

He and Shane stared at each for only a few seconds before they started to laugh uncontrollably. It was late and Ryan was tired so once he started to laugh he couldn't stop; tears came to his eyes and the bed shook from their laughing which only made them laugh harder.

It felt good…..it felt better than so many things had felt for a very long time. To have done something he wouldn't have dreamed of doing only a short time ago with someone who he was so comfortable and happy with and have such a reassurance that all was fine…..it didn't get much better than this.

When they finally had managed to calm their laughter and wipe their eyes, Ryan stifled a yawn before saying, "I don't know about you but I'm exhausted. You ready for bed?"

Shane smiled, his cheeks flushed for a moment as if pleased; it hit Ryan then that though he had told Shane earlier that he was going to spend the night that he seemed not to really believe it.

"What…..like…we both…..sleep here…..in the bed together?" Shane asked shyly. In a night full of moments where Shane looked small and timid enough to melt Ryan's heart, this one was still enough to pull on heartstrings that Ryan didn't know he had.

"Of course that's what I mean" Ryan said with a laugh, "I seem to recall someone telling me he liked cuddling and spooning and all that 'sentimental shit'"

"Sounds like a fucking wimp" Shane said with a sly grin.

"Good thing I like wimps then" Ryan said.

It was a shy, tentative moment, even for Ryan. He and Shane had shared plenty of beds before but this was of course different. Those nights were always in some dirty, old, ghost infested place where they weren't alone even if it looked that way on camera; they were nights Ryan couldn't sleep if he tried and everything they did was filmed. To share a bed with Shane when it was HIS own bed and they were totally alone, knowing they wouldn't be interrupted or seen by anyone else was totally different. It wasn't that Ryan thought anything was going to HAPPEN; maybe it was just the implication that it COULD that seemed so heavy. It didn't help that it had been so long since anyone HAD shared his bed or that the last time someone DID it was because he was getting laid. This experience wasn't any less because it had nothing to do with that; if anything it meant more. Because he and Shane hadn't been intimate in the sense of having sex but what they had done somehow seemed more intimate than that. Because neither one of them was virgins but they HAD both been the first person they'd shared this with and that seemed to be important.

After some shy moments and nervous laughter, Ryan had turned out the lights and turned down the covers while Shane hovered uncertainly by the side of the bed, looking unsure of what to do.

"Hop in" Ryan said, gesturing toward the bed, "You don't need an invitation"

Shane grinned at the words and instantly hopped in the bed, burrowing down deep into the blankets while Ryan threw off his shirt and jeans, throwing on some gym shorts because they couldn't BOTH just be wearing underwear sleeping together. Looking at Shane, curled into a ball under the covers, rubbing his face contently against the pillow, Ryan thought about how Shane liked hugs and cuddles and all of that romantic stuff. All the stuff you got from a long term, meaningful relationship…..as much as Ryan had recently been bemoaning his lack of sex he was at that moment aware of how Shane had to be mourning his loss. Everyone wanted sex to be sure, and for Ryan that was where it ended; some days he just wanted to fuck someone so badly he could barely see straight. But for Shane it was more; he wanted things that other people wouldn't have understood. He wanted to be taken care of, held, cuddled…Ryan was struck by how hard it must have been to be a submissive man. Everyone expected women to want those things but guys were the ones that were supposed to be tough and dominate. Shane had admitted that he'd never let himself be this with way with anyone and Ryan felt in that moment that it was very sad. While Ryan had never had anyone that let him tie them up or beat them at least he didn't have to hide something as innocent as the fact that he wanted someone to hold him because Ryan was perfectly happy being the one to do the holding. Ryan didn't know if he could always understand how Shane felt but he hoped that he could always be there to provide for the needs he had that no one else could give him.

Ryan climbed into his side of the bed, facing Shane and grinning in the dark. He tried not to think of the times before where he had been in this positon with a girl…..where it had ended in his fucking said girl. He knew Shane had to be thinking of something similar because Shane wasn't stupid or naive. It was the first time Ryan felt self-conscious or ashamed about such things; it was the first time he felt the ghost of not wanting those things around or for them to taint what they were doing.

Ryan admitted a very low light nightlight in his bedroom; he'd never admit to being scared of the dark but he did have a small, warm yellow glow of light in one corner outlet that illuminated the room just enough that he could see Shane's face in shadow. And the face that he saw was completely and totally…calm and relaxed…..

Again, Ryan was struck with the huge responsibility that was being someone's Dom because Shane was looking at him like he was the fucking WORLD. Ryan couldn't help but think that he didn't deserve it; he also couldn't help but think that he would do his best to try to deserve it.

Ryan didn't know what to say but luckily Shane did. In the silence of the room, Shane's totally contented voice broke through.

"This night is just about perfect…."

Shane blushed after he said it and looked sheepish but Ryan was glad that he said it; he'd said so few words but they were everything that Ryan needed to hear. Because it seemed perfect to him too and now he didn't have to worry that Shane didn't share his feelings on the matter.

"Yeah…..it really is" Ryan said, smiling, wondering if either of them would have been brave enough to admit it in the light of day. But they had now and that was all that mattered.

Shane rolled over with a smile on his face, his back to Ryan and without even thinking about it, Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane and pulled him against his chest. It took some shuffling and moving around to find the right spot; Shane was so much larger than him. But once they found a comfortable spot, it was, like Shane had said, just about perfect.

Shane's back rested against Ryan's chest, his arms curled around him holding him close. Maybe it should have been weird but all Ryan felt was a deep sense of calm and peace as Shane's skin touched his own, as he felt him breathing against him and as Shane's long fingers curled around his own when Ryan reached out for his hand. Maybe it should have been weird because this wasn't the type of thing that he did with friends but oddly it didn't seem to matter; Shane was his friend but they had shared so much together and suddenly they were so close that this was obviously the kind of thing they DID do. And that was okay…in fact it was MORE than okay. The contented place inside Ryan's chest felt as if he found something that he had been looking for for a long time and the only strange thing about it was that he hadn't realized that he had been missing it in the first place.

Shane drifted off just before Ryan did; since they'd shared so many rooms he could tell by Shane's heavier breathing and his growing slack against him that he was fast asleep .Ryan followed soon after him, falling into one of the deepest sleeps that he had had in a very long time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A misunderstanding between Ryan and Shane threatens to shake the budding happiness they have found in their BDSM relationship

“For I have found the constant, everlasting weather of man’s life not to be love, but loneliness”

Ryan had one of the rare and cherished sleeps where his mind was not muddled by too many dreams or by the disturbance of waking too much or tossing and turning in the empty sheets. For the first time in a long time, Ryan had slept all through the night and woke up feeling peaceful which wouldn't normally have been possible the night after a terrifying supernatural encounter.

Of course, the reason for the peaceful night was immediately apparent, even before Ryan opened his eyes. The quiet of his bedroom was silent except for the hum of the central air and nasally, buzzing snore that he was very familiar with.

It was overly warm in the bed and for once that did not feel unwelcome; Ryan could feel Shane's body radiating heat against the bare skin of his chest. When he opened his eyes, it was to the sight of a still sleeping Shane very close to him in bed.

Shane was lying on his back, long arms stretched out carelessly across the bed so that one was draped across Ryan's pillow. He was snoring like a buzz saw which was not new; what was new was how Ryan studied his face as he slept. Shane had the enviable skill of being able to sleep in the most hellacious places where Ryan could only dream of sleep but Ryan had spent enough nights alongside him to know that often his sleep was not the most peaceful. Ryan had seen a worried or fretful expression on Shane's face in the morning before he woke and though Ryan would have never thought to ask him about it or admit seeing it, he always had wondered if Shane was tortured by nightmares.

But now, just as Ryan had been, there was nothing but peace. Shane's face was calm, relaxed and without a crease of worry on it. Ryan didn't want to admit how long he simply laid there in bed and watched Shane sleep.

When Ryan thought back to the previous night he felt a stir of excitement in his belly and his heart begin to speed up. If Shane had not been lying next to him he might have thought it was something he had dreamed up. Settling in comfortably against his pillow, Ryan allowed the events of the night replay in his head again like the most perfect movie he never dreamed he could actually make happen. Shane's alternate bravery as he had defied Ryan's wishes and shuddering fear when he realized Ryan intended to punish him…his absolute vulnerability as he'd let Ryan beat him….his open need for affection and reassurance after it was over and the indescribable expression of bliss on Shane's face as he had declared that the night had been perfect…..even reliving it all in his head Ryan still couldn't believe it was all more than a dream and yet it was. Ryan got that stirring of undeniable pure excitement that came from doing something for the first time that he had not felt in entirely too long.

As long as Ryan did not want to leave the warm, comfortable cocoon he had made with Shane, eventually he did, knowing he had to at least start thinking about getting ready for work. Wanting to leave Shane to enjoy as much uninterrupted peaceful sleep as possible, Ryan slipped out from under the covers and off the bed as gently as he could despite the fact that he knew that Shane was an exceptionally heavy sleeper with as many times as he had to practically pull Shane out of bed.

Despite the fact that Ryan didn't want to get up, he felt a still persistent tugging of excitement in his belly as he showered and thought about getting ready for the day. It wasn't that he was not normally happy or content with what was to come for the day ahead but this level of excitement was something he had not felt in a long time. And he knew exactly what the cause of it was; while he did feel some nerves as he thought about seeing Shane in the bright daylight after what had happened last night he was mostly excited to see his reaction. Shane had not shown any regret last night and he had no reason to think he would now. For someone that could worry about almost everything, in this at least Ryan was sure he didn't have to worry.

When Ryan had finished showering and dressing, he returned to his room to find Shane awake in bed, looking through his phone. Ryan stood in the doorway trying to think of what to say for entirely too many seconds before Shane noticed his presence. Looking up from his phone he looked up to meet Ryan's eyes and his expression immediately turned a bit sheepish and embarrassed.

"Morning" Ryan said, for lack of anything better to say, sitting on the edge of the bed.

If anything, Shane's cheeks reddened further as he watched Ryan and said, "Morning" in return.

"Sleep good?" Ryan asked, even though he knew that Shane had just as much as he had.

Shane nodded, his face still red; Ryan had rarely seen this level of shyness from Shane and never directed at him. It might have been enough to make Ryan worry things would be different between them if Ryan didn't feel just as shy himself and know that it was just from all of the newness of this extra element to their relationship.

"Are you hungry?" Ryan asked as his stomach rumbled almost on cue. Dinner had been lost in shuffle last night and Shane to be as hungry as he was.

Shane grinned. "I'm starving" he said.

"Well…..you get ready for work while I make us some breakfast" Ryan said, "I don't have anything to fit your gargantuan frame or I'd off you a change of clothes. But you can use anything in the bathroom to at least clean up if you want"

Shane laughed at the slight about his height and it broke the tension. "I can just hear the buzz around the office already when I show up wearing the same clothes as yesterday" he said in an exaggerated scandalized tone. He had a point; their coworkers were unlikely to not notice such a detail and miss an opportunity to playfully give him shit about it. Not that Ryan thought they'd even come close to guessing the real reason for Shane's two day old clothes and Ryan was glad for that. Aside from the fact that he could not imagine answering the embarrassing questions that would come or see how they'd make others understand their arraignment he wanted to selfishly guard this whatever they had from everyone else. Ryan didn't know what this was yet and he didn't really want to put a name to it yet; it was too new and exciting and very much personal. It was like he and Shane had a secret that only they knew…well, that's exactly what it was like. They DID have a secret, one he felt no would understand because he didn't yet understand it himself.

"I can drive you home to get some new clothes if you want" Ryan offered, even though he selfishly wanted Shane to say no. He wanted Shane to stay for breakfast, just the two of them, if only to share a little more time basking in this newness before walking out into the world. But he did want to give Shane the chance to say yes.

Luckily, he didn't. "Nah…..let them talk. I don't care" Shane said with a wave of his hand.

Ryan tried not to grin too broadly. "Good" he said with barely suppressed glee before leaving Shane to get ready while he went to make breakfast.

It was a weird sensation that Ryan got as he went to the kitchen to make breakfast, so strange that for a several moments he found himself just standing in front of the stove with a pan in hand, frozen. It was so DOMESTIC; it felt so very like a 'the morning after' sensation…..the shyness, the excitement, the hesitancy….the making fucking breakfast of all things. But while he undoubtedly felt that post hook up feeling (which he was NOT going to analyze because this SHANE he was talking about) he also felt familiarity. He didn't have to awkwardly ask Shane how he liked his eggs or how he took his coffee; he already knew. He didn't have to ask if Shane had work or speculate how long he'd stay and he didn't have to agonize over whether or not he should ask for his number; he already knew the answer to all of these things and that led to the excitement of a new relationship without the anxiety. While Ryan would not have admitted to a living soul and barely admitted to himself that this felt like a new relationship, that feeling was about as perfect a one as Ryan could imagine.

By the time that Shane emerged from the bathroom in the crumpled clothes he had so hastily thrown off last night, Ryan had thrown together a quick breakfast and thought at last moment to throw a small pillow onto Shane's chair. When he saw the way Shane was walking, even though he was clearly trying to pretend he wasn't hurting, he knew he had made a good decision. Though he felt a bit bad about feeling happy about Shane's obvious pain, Ryan couldn't help but feel smugly pleased and he hid a smirk behind his coffee cup as Shane gingerly lowered himself into the chair and began to sip his own coffee.

"Bit sore, huh?" Ryan asked. He sounded smugger than he intended to; he couldn't help feeling pleased that he had left the sassy mouthed version of Shane from yesterday with a lasting reminder of Ryan's punishment.

Obviously, Shane picked up on Ryan's pride and said, "No…..not really" care freely even though that was an obvious lie.

"Oh, well, I love your new walk. I guess you just woke up this morning and decided to take up walking like a giraffe with a stick up its ass?" Ryan threw back, not bothering to hide his pleased smirk this time.

Shane's cheeks colored very slightly and his mouth hung open as is trying to think of something to say back to Ryan's cheek but when he was unable to, ended up throwing a piece of bacon at him that bounced off his head as Ryan dissolved into a wheezy laugh.

"Yeah, yeah…..you're real pleased with yourself aren't you?" Shane asked, looking embarrassed but still pleased.

It felt so normal, just so THEM; they were talking about something so very not normal but still able to joke about it and for that Ryan was infinitely relieved. With a genuinely pleased smile this time, Ryan said, "Yeah…..yes, I am"

They drove to work together but Ryan let Shane go on inside ahead of him; no reason to bring on unnecessary questions, what with Shane in old clothes and them arriving together. By the time that Ryan walked into the office, everyone was already clearly teasing Shane about an apparent one night stand and Shane was being his usual vague self, saying simply "I don't kiss and tell. And I don't have one night stands, just so you know"

Ryan lowered himself into his own desk chair and pretended not to notice the chaos that his comment had on their female coworkers who, based on this comment inferred that what they took to be Shane's obvious hook up was now apparently more serious. Of course, Ryan was paying every bit of attention, one reason being that HE was cause of the chaos and the other being the meaning the words had on Ryan, despite himself.

I don't have one night stands, just so you know….obviously, what he and Shane had done last night was not what everyone was implying it was. They hadn't had sex and yet it still had that odd sensation of feeling like something akin to a first time in that Ryan was unsure what the terms were or when it would happen again. Ryan was sure that Shane was just trying to put everyone else on by saying that but it didn't stop Ryan from feeling it was significant…..he almost wished it was a veiled hint to Ryan that last night would not be the last time.

Ryan wished that but when he looked over at Shane after he made the comment, for one moment amid the chaos, their eyes met and Ryan was surprised to find his errant wish might not be just a wish at all because Shane was grinning at him, a look of pure happiness and excitement on his face. Ryan didn't know how exactly he knew Shane meant that look to mean that he wanted to do it again but somehow, instinctively, he did; maybe he knew Shane better than he thought he did. He imagined that he certainly did after what had happened last night.

And that LOOK…that sly, curious, excited smile and all it implied and that damn FEELING it gave Ryan…that's when he knew he was in trouble for sure.

He'd gone in to this knowing that he didn't fully understand what it would mean to him or Shane; he'd gone into it knowing that things might get complicated. He just didn't know that things would reach that level this quickly but sure he enough they HAD. Because as Shane looked at him with the expectation that more was coming, he felt his stomach jump excitedly, his heart race and a smile spread across his face in what could only be described as pure exhilaration. Ryan still didn't know fully what it meant but he knew one thing.

He was totally and completely fucked…..and he was totally and completely fine with that.

…

Ryan was surprised how everything stayed the same and simultaneously changed completely. To anyone else their lives had stayed the same, most as they had after they'd had the initial discussion about agreeing to try out BDSM. They finished up filming the supernatural season and gradually moved onto true crime which Ryan knew Shane preferred. Discussing it one day, Shane affirmed, as he once had said during a post mortem episode, "I like the true crime episodes much more because I can just fucking relax and not have to fight with you all time."

But, unlike the post mortem, where he couldn't say things as plainly as he'd like, and with the new dimension they had now, Ryan was able to say, "I thought you rather enjoyed fighting with me" with a shrewd smile.

Shane had blushed a deep red and tried and failed not to look pleased. "I do….."he admitted, "But…not about ghosts"

Ryan had felt warm about the collar; they'd been eating on the patio of a restaurant that was anything but hot in the night air but he was feeling flushed nonetheless. "Why not? Ghosts are real" Ryan had quipped, knowing Shane would get the hint at their very unique safe word.

Shane blushed even deeper as he tried to sip his beer with what he must have imagined was a neutral expression but Ryan who knew him too well saw he was just as flushed. "Ghosts aren't real" he said shyly, "and it's going to be long time until you make admit they are."

Ryan was sure that he had blushed as much Shane was at the moment because they were far from discussing ghosts at this point. "Well, I'm going to try my best"

And try his best he did; and true to his words, Shane never did have to use their safe words. Most of the time, Shane was a good, compliant submissive. Their day to day lives were full of small acts of domination on Ryan's part that Shane was happy to go along with; on the far fewer instances where Shane questioned his orders, Ryan knew he was looking for the punishment he knew was inevitable. Ryan did his best to be a good Dom; when Shane acted out Ryan made sure he knew he'd be punished. It always ended in Shane being bruised and compliant, and despite the intensity of the scene, they always ended up in the same gentle ways. Cuddling on the couch watching movies, going to sleep spooning in Ryan's bed…always with the press of tons of fevered skin against each other, the familiar throb of Shane's heartbeat against his hand…..the little sigh from Shane that told Ryan all was well. Ryan absolutely loved the thrum of power that rushed through his body as he beat Shane and loved even more the sensation of domination when Shane obeyed even the most mundane orders he gave him. Ryan always knew he loved the idea of dominating someone like that but the actual practice still surprised him; he still felt the slightly guilty twinge that he shouldn't so enjoy bossing someone about but it went away more and more every time Shane curled up against him in the dark and sighed contently.

And that was another thing…while Ryan fully excepted to enjoy the dominating aspects of their new relationship, he hadn't expected to enjoy the aftercare aspects of it. He'd been hesitant in the beginning but it wasn't long before he found himself enjoying it as much as the domination aspects. Ryan had never been that big on physical displays of affection but for some reason it was different with Shane. After the intensity of a domination scene, Shane always needed that caring, gentle assurance that things were okay by a hug, a held hand, a hand rubbing his back…it wasn't long before Ryan felt he needed it too. As much as he needed to know that Shane was fully and completely submissive after a scene, he needed to know just as much after a scene was over that Shane was okay and he felt this by Shane's willingness to be near him after a scene. Fortunately, that was ALWAYS there…

Things were complicated but still nothing HAPPENED…at least not in the sense that they could say 'something happened'. He and Shane cuddled together, slept together, held each other…but they never crossed a line that seemed to be unspoken but certainly drawn. They never kissed, they never did anything more than hold each other in bed…..but just like the first time they had there was still the overarching feeling that they COULD have if they wanted to. Did Ryan WANT to? He didn't know…did Shane want to? He knew that even less…Ryan knew it would be hard to indulge in BDSM which was inherently so sexually charged without things getting complicated but somehow it still surprised him that they did. Sometimes things were still so totally platonic; at work, on shoots, eating out together, going to the movies….they still acted just like friends. But when they had a scene together, things were simply DIFFERENT…..they were simply more intimate. And the longer that went on, the more it spilled over into the normal. They might be at a movie and Ryan would think about holding Shane's hand…..they might be saying good night at after a shoot and Ryan would want to hug Shane good night…..they might be at a particularly scary place and Ryan would want to hold Shane's hand. He never acted on these feelings, instead saving those feelings for their scenes. But still…..he wondered what Shane would do if he did cross that bridge.

It was all speculation until months later when a particularly intense scene happened. It started out as a particularly normal Friday and looking back on it Ryan should have realized the significance of it but at the time he was totally blind to it and the effects were in some ways disastrous.

Ryan had a date for the first time in so long that he wouldn't have admitted it. He didn't really know why he'd said yes; it was a blind date with a friend of a friend and he was only somewhat excited about it. He hadn't had a date in so long he'd be embarrassed to admit how long it was and it was even worse when he thought about how long it'd been since he'd been laid. Not that he was thinking about that…well…only a LITTLE bit. After all, it had been so long…Ryan hated himself for even thinking about it and he wasn't planning on anything happening. It was just that Ryan ached…and he didn't know why. His life was going great so there was no reason that he should sometimes feel deeply empty without knowing the cause. Work was going great; they were shooting true crime so he didn't even have to constantly be worried about being touched by a ghost or followed home by a demon. Things with friends and family were going well; it was the holidays and there was no shortage of opportunities for parties, get together and general merriment. And Shane…somehow Shane had come to be an entirely separate entity itself. Even so, things were going well with Shane. Despite their BDSM experiments and the feelings that came with the aftercare afterwards things were going well. So…..why did he feel that empty dark hole inside that made him immediately say yes when presented with a blind date that normally he wouldn't have said yes to? Despite how well everything was going for him and how many wonderful people he had in his life some part of him felt lonely. A date was the best way to fill that void, right?

Ryan was feeling restless and ready for the evening as he turned off his computer and got his stuff ready to go home for the weekend. Shane was doing the same next to him and Ryan was watching him out of the corner of his eye. It had been a long time, what seemed like an eternity, since they had had any type of scene together and Ryan felt himself wishing Shane would disobey him so that they could have it out…..and make it better afterwards.

When Shane went to speak, Ryan almost expected it; he almost expected Shane to ask for it. Maybe expect wasn't the right word; maybe HOPE was. Ryan didn't know why the hope for that made the emptiness he felt fizzle out.

But that wasn't what Shane ended up saying. "Want to come over for PlayStation and popcorn tonight?" Shane asked hopefully. It was their go to normal activity and normally Ryan would have immediately accepted. As it was, he had to decline.

"Uh…..I cant. I have plans already" Ryan said vaguely, hoping Shane wouldn't pick up on the hesitancy and slight embarrassment in his tone. Ryan could hear it though, and was sure Shane must have; he kept his eyes down, fixing his belongings into his bag that did not need fixing.

Shane paused a long moment before speaking and Ryan was glad that he wasn't looking to see his expression. "Oh, okay….."he said, disappointment coloring his tone, "what kind of plans?"

Ryan thought about lying though he had no idea why he suddenly felt the need to hide the fact he had a date from Shane. He never had before and despite the fact of how strange things had been lately between them, they were NOT a couple and Ryan shouldn't have felt embarrassed. And yet…..he DID somehow. His cheeks flushed and he felt hot; he didn't look at Shane as he said, "I've got a date"

The silence was unbearable; the office was full of activity and noise but the only noise Ryan cared about was Shane's voice and it was absent. When Ryan looked up to see Shane, it was even worse. He looked sad….he was disappointed and Ryan hated that he put that look there. Shane was his sub….he was always supposed to make Shane happy and content…never sad. Ryan felt guilt stirring up inside even as Shane was mustering a false look of bravado.

"Oh…..well, maybe tomorrow then?" he asked, trying to be brave and mask any disappointment; something he failed at, of course.

"Of course…I'd love that" Ryan said sincerely, even as Shane was already getting up from his desk and fleeing the office.

Ryan was a mess; as much as he'd wanted to go out, as much as he'd normally have enjoyed himself, he simply found himself wishing for the evening to end. It made absolutely no sense; his date had been beautiful and charming but he simply could not shake the uncomfortable feeling he'd had since Shane had rushed out of the office. As fucked up as it was he found himself wishing he was just chilling at Shane's place. He felt a worry nagging in the back of his brain; he felt like something was wrong but he had no idea what it could be. Despite the fact that he should have been enjoying himself, he was too worried to relax and was rather glad when he got home and could try to call Shane. He didn't know why, he just knew that he felt like it was important that he did.

Only, he couldn't get ahold of Shane. After several missed calls and unanswered texts, that churning feeling in his stomach increased despite the fact that he felt a bit crazy for being so worried. Shane was allowed to have his own life. After all, Ryan had been out all evening, maybe Shane was simply doing the same and wasn't looking at his phone. Maybe he was already asleep, seeing as it was so late…..there were plenty of logical and reasonable reasons for Shane's silence and yet that didn't stop his mind from going to crazy town as it often did. With his persistent nagging sense of worry and Shane's silence he had no problem imaging all kinds of horrible situations that could account for it.

It was frankly a bit ridiculous that he found himself pacing around his apartment, unable to keep his attention on anything for more than a few minutes. Was he becoming that dependent on Shane? With the new dynamic to their relationship they had been spending much more time together; of course, as they were friends and also coworkers they had always spent quite a lot of time together. Was this nagging worry and sense of loss he didn't understand because he was becoming too dependent on Shane? The thought alone made him feel needy and bit ridiculous…especially considering even if he WAS getting too attached to Shane it didn't mean he had any plans to spend less time with him.

Ryan tortured himself with worry and trying to distract him for an hour or two before he accepted defeat and decided to go to bed. Throwing back the covers and curling up in the dark, he couldn't help but feel even lonelier. He'd gotten used to having Shane sleeping next to him and as he rolled over toward the pillow Shane normally used, he tried to tell himself he was being ridiculous. Shane spent far from every night here and the nights Ryan was alone he didn't feel this lonely.

Well…not every night…..

There was something to be said for not knowing what you were missing. Before all of this had happened he'd not known how nice it was to go to bed feeling exhilarated after a rough scene, tired but content, a warm happy body next to you and knowing that happiness and contentment was your doing. Once you had had, well…it was hard to get used to not having it.

Ryan checked his phone one last time, hoping but not really expecting a call or text; nothing. Tossing it on the nightstand and curling deeper into the blankets, Ryan eventually fell into an uneasy sleep and woke up far from rested.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan finds out unexpectedly that things have gotten complicated with Shane....and finds surprisingly that it turns out very very well. Ryan and Shane take their relationship to another level

The next morning it took Ryan a moment to gather his bearings and remember why he felt so off. He was tangled in the blankets and felt sweaty, knowing he'd had nightmares he couldn't remember and feeling on edge. As he opened his eyes and squinted at the morning sunlight peeking through the curtains, he felt his stomach aching and remembered the reason for it.

The unanswered calls and texts, the worry, Shane's disappointed face…Ryan immediately rolled over and reached for his phone, thinking that surely he would have some kind of response from Shane. His heart sank when he saw that he did not have texts from Shane. It fell even further when he saw that he DID have texts from a few of his and Shane's mutual friends ABOUT Shane.

When Ryan read the messages detailing Shane's unstable state and binge drinking of last night, worry flooded through him.

Hey, Ryan…I think there's something wrong with Shane. He seemed really down last night and he had way too much to drink. We were going to take him home but he disappeared after that and I don't know where he went.

You might want to try and talk to Shane….he was really, really wasted last and I tried to call him this morning but he didn't answer. Maybe you'll have better luck?

There were a few other messages along the same vein and Ryan was up and out of bed immediately, dressing and catching a ride to Shane's place. As he sat in the car and watched the beautiful day fly past him out the window, Ryan couldn't help but be consumed with worry, wondering if Shane was okay and wondering what would push him so far. By the level of concern his friends had shown, he'd been dangerously wasted and then no one had been able to find him after he'd claimed he was going to the bathroom. Had he met someone along the way? Had he gone to another bar? Passed out somewhere? Ryan hoped beyond hope that Shane was at home because if he hadn't made it home it was hard to tell where he'd ended up and the idea was a terrifying one.

Guilt gnawed at Ryan's stomach; he was Shane's Dom and he didn't even know where he was. Something was obviously wrong with Shane and when he'd needed him, he wasn't there. Logically, Ryan knew he couldn't blame himself; he was Shane's Dom but he wasn't his keeper and couldn't watch over him 24/7 but still…..some part of him felt he should have.

Because Shane had broken the RULES….It was understandable that everyone was entitled to the occasional drunken binge but Ryan knew this went deeper for Shane. This was one of the things that they had discussed before they got started in this new part of their relationship. When Ryan had asked Shane what sort of things he wanted Ryan to regulate and make rules for him, he'd told Ryan the usual things but Ryan had sensed there was more.

"There's something else….what is it?" Ryan had prodded. They'd been watching a movie at his place and Shane was staring into his popcorn bowl.

"Well…..uh…."Shane had hesitated, seeming embarrassed.

"Shane….talk to me" Ryan had said, firmly so that Shane would know he WOULD have to answer his question.

Shane sighed, a paused for a moment. "Alright…..well…..I suppose drinking would be one thing" he eventually admitted.

Ryan was confused. "What about it?" he had asked.

Shane had sighed even deeper. "I've got a bit of a drinking problem. If you could…..you know…..tell me how many to have or tell me when to stop…that would be good "he said, looking a bit disgusted with himself.

Ryan didn't understand and he admitted as much. "I don't get it though…I've been out drinking with you before and you usually don't get that wasted" Ryan said.

Ryan could tell Shane didn't want to explain it. "It doesn't mean I didn't go home drink more by myself…..especially if I was upset about something" he admitted. "I don't know how to stop once I've started until eventually I pass out. There's a reason I told you one my biggest fears was accidently getting shot with heroin….I've never been able to stop drinking since I started, there's no reason to thinking I'd be able have just one hit either"

Ryan felt bad he'd ever made fun of Shane's being afraid of that and vowed never to do it again. That discussion had led to a few new rules for Shane; he couldn't have an alcohol at his house (and Ryan checked up on him) but he could have a few at dinner or at Ryan's place. He could have a few out with other people if he was with friends or family but he had to stop after a couple. And the most important; he HAD to talk to Ryan if he was upset about something and felt like going over the deep end. Ryan knew this would be the hardest for Shane to actually do but he hoped he'd be an easy person to talk to.

Last night Shane had broken the drinking rule and the talking rule because something was clearly wrong.

Ryan's stomach was burning with worry and his heart was racing as he walked up to Shane's door and began knocking furiously. For a few horrible minuets, Ryan didn't think Shane was there; after what felt like an eternity though, a rumpled and disheveled Shane came to the door, squinting at the blinding sunshine.

"Ry…..what are you doing here? I know I said come over yesterday but it's a bit early" Shane said, his voice rough from sleep.

He looked terrible…his clothes were rumpled as he'd obviously slept in them, bits of dinner and drinks from the night before spattered across his shirt. His hair was wildly out of control and his eyes were bloodshot and he was clearly hung over.

Ryan was so relieved Shane was at his own home, safe and sound so he didn't know why a rush of anger flooded through him. "It's not early…..its 1:30 in the afternoon. And I'm here because all of your well-meaning friends told me to come check on you. Seems you got hammered last night and gave them the slip"

Shane's face fell. "Aw, shit….." he muttered, knowing he was caught. The very fact he would have played it off and not told Ryan at all unless he'd gotten caught only incensed Ryan further.

"Yeah, aw shit is right. Let me in" Ryan ordered. That flush of dark, dominating energy rumbled through him. Now that he knew Shane was safe, he was going to get to the bottom of why he'd broken his rules.

Shane didn't disobey; he quickly moved out of the way and let Ryan into the living room. Shane staggered into the room, shuffling toward the couch and then threw himself down on it as if the walk had cost him great effort. And, based on how wasted he'd been, it probably did.

Ryan slammed the door behind him and walked over to the couch; he was kind of glad Shane had chosen to sit because now he could tower over him while he lectured him. And obviously, Shane felt it; when he looked up at Ryan who was staring at him with crossed arms and a frown, he cowered.

"I'm sorry" Shane blurted out almost at once, regret and shame on his face. It might have meant something Ryan if he felt he really meant it; as it was, it felt like he was just trying to get out of talking which only told Ryan he needed to talk more.

"I don't want to hear sorry; I want you to explain yourself" Ryan said firmly.

Debate and hesitation crossed Shane's face before he said, "I don't know what to say….."

Shane looked so helpless…..if Ryan was weaker he wouldn't have been able to stay tough. If he was any less tough he would have simply said it was okay and they could move on like it didn't happen. But he cared too much to not figure out what the hell was going on.

"Well, let's start with this. Where'd you go last night?" Ryan asked, "Why did you disappear on everyone? Why didn't you go home with them? They could have taken care of you…..you scared them all to death"

Shane looked away from his gaze, embarrassed. "I wasn't thinking straight. I wanted to keep drinking so I walked down the street to another bar" he admitted reluctantly.

"Then what?" Ryan grilled, his voice intentionally rougher necessary.

Shane was biting his lip and avoiding Ryan's eyes so he knew it was working. "I don't remember anything after that" he said.

"Shane! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?" Ryan yelled, his mind spiraling into the millions of horrible possibilities that could have befallen him alone in that state. "You were black out drunk, at a bar….ALONE. Do I need to tell you what could have happened to you?"

Shane was pale as a sheet. "No…..please don't. I know it was stupid. I'm sorry"

He looked so shook and ill Ryan was afraid he'd get sick; grabbing a bottle of water off the coffee table, he made Shane drink all of it. "It was stupid. It's unacceptable. You know it's against the rules" Ryan said, "I'd punish you right now if I wasn't more concerned about why you did it. I thought we agreed you'd tell me if something was bothering you. Very clearly something is wrong. What is it?"

Shane finished drinking the water and his color was coming back; now, he looked much the opposite as he was blushing heavily. He didn't make any move to speak. It was driving Ryan crazy…..why couldn't he just TELL Ryan what was up? What could possibly be that bad?

"Listen…..you're going to tell me what's going on. We can do that in the easy way, where we just have a chat here together. Or, we can do it the hard way where I turn that skinny little white ass of yours purple until you speak but either way you ARE going to tell me. So, what's it going to be?" Ryan asked.

Shane's face squirmed as if he was in genuine pain; finally he looked up and actually met Ryan's eyes. "I just CANT tell you…"he said, his voice sad but with a certainty that told Ryan he was going to have to pull the answers out of him.

It actually HURT Ryan a bit…why couldn't Shane talk to him? After all they'd been through, what gave Shane the idea that Ryan would be anything but understanding? Was he not a good enough Dom…..a good enough friend to prove Shane could trust him?

"You CAN tell me, you're just being stubborn" Ryan said harshly. "I'm disappointed in you…."

Ryan drug it out and let it sink in; he was disappointed in Shane but he said it because he knew it bothered Shane especially. Shane hung his head with shame but Ryan was in Dom mode and now and with the dark energy coursing through him, he was pleased he'd made Shane feel bad for defying him.

"Now, get your ass off this couch. Take that disgusting shirt off and go to the bedroom and wait for me" Ryan barked.

At least Shane still listened to SOME orders; he swiftly hopped off the couch, threw off his soiled t-shirt and shuffled off toward the bedroom. Ryan sat down on the couch for several minutes, making Shane wait, knowing that the suspense would be the worst punishment of all. Ryan got a dark thrill at the idea of Shane sitting in his bedroom alone, fretting as he contemplated the punishment to come.

After several of what must have been agonizing minutes for Shane, Ryan slowly walked down the hallway toward Shane's room. He didn't have as much to work with here as he did at his place since that's normally where they did this but he knew he'd make due.

Shane was sitting on his bed, looking miserable and anxious. Ryan walked up to him, rolled his sleeves up to his elbows for good measure, placing his hands on his hips as he surveyed Shane. "Sure there's nothing you want to tell me?" Ryan asked once more, his voice stern.

Shane paled at the harsh tone but then had the gall to actually shake his head. Ryan grabbed Shane by with the shoulder with an iron grip that made him call out and pulled him off the bed.

"Up against the wall" Ryan ordered, "Drop your pants"

Shane stumbled a bit as Ryan released the tight hold on his shoulder. Ryan got one second to see that wonderful, flushed look of shame and fear cross Shane's face before he turned around and Ryan couldn't see him anymore. God…..he fucking loved that look…the fear and worry he'd been feeling since yesterday fizzled out and was totally replaced with his excitement and power.

Ryan paused for a moment, savoring the moment; watching Shane walk on shaky legs toward the wall, that slight pause and barely perceptible whimper of shame as Shane's hands went to his shorts and pushed them down so they pooled at his feet, his long fingers trying to find some purchase against the wall as he placed his hands on it and assumed the position. Ryan allowed himself to smile at the sight, unseen by Shane.

Ryan was sure there could be no more openly submissive sight than the one in front of him. While he knew Shane was in this position because he'd seriously disobeyed the rules he still assumed this positon. Back to Ryan so he couldn't see what was coming, bare assed and vulnerable…Ryan wished that he could bottle moments like this and replay them because….fuck…he felt so alive and so very excited. It was not lost on him that he was very glad that no one could see them in this position or know how very thrilled it made him feel.

Ryan went to rummage through Shane's closet for whatever tools he might have left here; it was to Shane's credit that he didn't turn around and look at Ryan, even when he thought Ryan wasn't looking.

Ryan found a particularly rough leather whip that Shane had not been a fan of the one time Ryan used it on him; that was just fucking perfect for now. If Shane was going to be so stubborn Ryan was going to be extra tough.

With one swift movement, Ryan moved from the closet to Shane and gave him a good hard smack with the whip against his ass before Shane could anticipate it. Shane whimpered pitifully, his fingers sliding against the wall as if trying to hold on but he couldn't. Ryan relished the sound and hated a bit that he was going to make it stop.

"I don't want to hear another word from you until you're ready to tell me the truth" Ryan hissed, near Shane's ear, making sure Shane would feel his breath against his skin, "And you better stay on your feet"

It was cruel unusual punishment; not only was Shane not known for being quiet, the last time Ryan had beat him like this, standing, he'd not been able to stay standing for long for his shaking legs. Ryan knew it would be hard for Shane; that's what he was counting on. He knew Shane's submissive and approval hungry nature would not allow him to disobey so Ryan anticipated this would be over quick.

It had been so long since they'd done this there was no sign of bruises or welts on Shane's body; it was a perfect, untarnished ivory canvas that Ryan was aching to put his mark on. His heart was beating fast, his hands were gripping the whip and he wasted little time doing just that.

Ryan had to give it to Shane; he was doing GOOD. Ryan hit him with the whip, one, twice, three times in quick succession and though he could hear a rumble of sound deep in Shane's throat, he bit it back and kept it in. His fingers were shaking; it was so hard when there were no sheets to grip in pain. Ryan was actually kind of proud how well Shane was doing when he didn't stop and think he was enduring this because he so desperately wanted to keep a secret from him.

Ryan laid a quick onslaught to Shane's skinny frame. Normally Shane had to count his whacks but silence somehow meant more when his punishment was that he was not talking to Ryan. Also, without the counting, Ryan quickly lost count and marked the progress by the slowly forming welts a long Shane's body.

And was there ever some welts along Shane's body….his ass and parts of his back were criss crossed with red, angry welts, interspersed with dark purple and blue bruises of different shapes and sizes. Ryan always loved to stand back and look at the evidence of his domination on Shane's body; he didn't know if that made him a sadist or not but he knew he couldn't stop.

Shane was trying so hard to hold on, maybe harder than he ever had before; his legs were trembling so much Ryan didn't know how he could stand on them, sweat covering his skin, the only sound he would allow to come out was a panting, labored breathing. It was actually impressive…but Ryan wondered how long Shane would go on like this. Was his submissive nature so strong he'd never use a safe word? Was his desire to keep whatever secret he had so strong he'd never give up? Ryan was seriously beginning to wonder as he continued to hit Shane's body until he was nothing but a sweating, panting, gasping mess…Ryan had to admire Shane's resolve but knowing how submissive and eager he was, he had one last thing to beat him with.

"I can't believe you're still going" Ryan said darkly, "After all of this…..you're still silent. You're a very, very bad boy and I'm so very disappointed in you"

The effect was immediate; Shane's shoulders slumped and though he couldn't see his face, Ryan knew it would be sad and defeated. Shane hated Ryan's disappointment more than he did any beating and Ryan knew that well. He'd broken Shane's spirit and he knew really that was all that was needed.

"You have let me down…." Ryan said before leveling a series of particularly hard hits against Shane's backside.

Ryan hoped that it would be enough and he wasn't disappointed. Shane slumped against himself even though he remained standing…..he broke pose just enough to cover his face with his shaking hands, clearly giving up.

"I wasn't trying to be bad….I didn't mean to worry everyone ….I just wanted to forget…..just for a little bit…..now I'm going to ruin everything" Shane said, muffled through the cover of his hands.

It was a pitiful sight; his heart racing with the excitement of finally finding out the answers he'd been trying to pull out of him, Ryan spoke with a kinder voice. Now that the rough was over, he could let the softness in a bit.

"You're not going to ruin anything" Ryan said, wondering how Shane could imagine that he could ruin anything between them, "Now, pull up you pants and tell me what was so bad you had to do that to forget it. "

Shane pulled up his pants as gingerly as he could but he still hissed in pain as the fabric came in contact with his bruised skin. He sat carefully on the edge of the bed, head down, not looking at Ryan or making any motion to get close to him. That familiar nagging sensation from the previous day was beginning to stir up again. The distance wasn't normal; Shane was always the one to immediately seek out that comforting touch after a scene was over. If he wasn't this time, something was really wrong.

"I had no right to feel jealous…I shouldn't have been but I was and I just wanted to make it go away." Shane said, looking down at his lap, still looking painfully ashamed.

Ryan resisted the urge to move toward Shane and wrap his arms around him; for once he felt this would not be welcome. "Jealous of what?" Ryan asked. Shane had seemed so normal yesterday he didn't understand where all of this distress was coming from.

Finally, Shane looked up at him, his eyes glistening with a pain that was much worse than anything Ryan had just done to him. That look pierced Ryan to his core. "You're really going to make me say it? You really DON'T know?" he asked, pain coloring his words.

Now Ryan felt BAD…..should he have known? Of course he should have….Shane seemed to think it was obvious and Ryan was clearly missing whatever it was. Something that so clearly bothered his sub was something he SHOULD have known but he didn't.

"I really don't know…please tell me" Ryan admitted reluctantly.

Shane closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He didn't open his eyes when he spoke. "I was jealous when you told me you had a date…..because it wasn't with me. And I realized I wanted it to be."

Oh…OH…It hit Ryan like a wave that was now rushing him out to sea with the multitude of his thoughts. He replayed the event in his mind from yesterday and realized he was a colossal ass because of course he should have known. Shane's disappointment, running out of the office and then proceeding to go off the deep end….Ryan should have been able to figure that out. It must have compounded Shane's pain that it didn't even occur to Ryan but in his defense it was just so…..unbelievable. They'd been doing all this kinky shit together and yet it was still unbelievable that Shane wanted to be BE with him…

Ryan's silence must have gone on too long but he simply didn't know to say. "See….I knew it was going to be weird…..that's why I didn't want to tell you" Shane said, distressed and obviously embarrassed.

"No…..it's not…it's not weird, I'm just….surprised" Ryan said, stumbling over his words. "Just…..uh…just give me a sec"

And like an ass he disappeared out of the room and found himself hiding in the bathroom. He knew it had to be torture for Shane, having just dumped a revelation like that and having him disappear but he just had to stop and THINK a moment. He had no idea what to say and he for damn sure he didn't want to say the wrong thing at a time like this. So, he stood in the bright light of the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror and trying to gather his bearings.

Shane had feelings for him…..to what extent, Ryan didn't know and that was his own fault for not asking. Ryan hadn't seen it coming, not by a long stretch; why would he? Admittedly, they were doing some pretty intimate things together but they were friends…..more than friends but he didn't know how much MORE it was…

And as soon as he had that thought, he realized how stupidly wrong it was. Maybe he hadn't fully acknowledged it but he must have some inclining. He recalled his reluctance to tell Shane about his date; was that for Shane or for himself? Deep down did he know it would bother Shane or was he bothered because he knew he and Shane had something together and he felt bad about it? Ryan's head was spinning…..

He could easily go in there and ask Shane what level of feelings he had for him but no one could tell him what kind of feelings HE had Shane. If someone had asked him yesterday if he had feelings for Shane he would have said no without considering it. Even though he knew they were doing plenty of things friends didn't do, he would have maintained that he and Shane were just friends. But now that he WAS faced with thinking of it, he knew there was more to it. Being friends really couldn't explain their BDSM activities and it definitely couldn't explain the level of pleasure he got from staring at Shane's naked ass or listening to his moans during these activities. Ryan felt himself flush; he knew this of course but he hadn't wanted to acknowledge it.

Ryan thought about their more innocent actions and how dependent he'd become on those too. How often, especially lately, did he find himself longing for things from Shane like hugs and sleeping together than he normally wouldn't have wanted? He thought about the deep emptiness he'd been feeling lately that had no cause and had prompted his agreeing to go out in the first case. What if that emptiness DID have a cause; what if this WAS the reason?

Ryan knew he couldn't figure any of this out by hiding and he didn't want to totally freak Shane out, so after grabbing a bottle of lotion for Shane's welts, he finally left the bathroom to face him.

When he got back to Shane's bedroom, he found Shane sprawled out across the bed, lying on his stomach, his reddened back on display. Sitting down next to Shane, he spread some lotion across his back and as he rubbed it against his skin gently, he could hear Shane suppress a moan behind his closed mouth.

Ryan massaged Shane for a few minutes, enjoying the familiarity with the routine before he spoke.

"How long have you felt like this, Shane?"

Shane waited a long time before he spoke. "I know you don't feel the same way…..it's okay. I really just want to pretend I didn't say anything"

"Well, like hell we're going to pretend this didn't happen" Ryan said honestly and that at least that made Shane's eyes pop open. "And honestly, dude…..I don't know what I feel. I do know that sometimes I want to touch you even when we are not doing this stuff and more nights than not I want to sleep next to you. And know I definitely have some thoughts about you that are not a friend kind of thought…"

That actually brought a sly smile from Shane. "Like what?" he asked curiously.

Ryan felt heat flush his face. "Like thinking about this too much" he said, giving Shane's ass a playful swat which of course elicited a whimper of pain.

"Was that necessary?" Shane said, gasping a bit from pain.

"Oh, like you didn't like it. I just complemented your ass and we both know you're a slut for pain." Ryan teased.

They laughed for a moment and it broke some of the tension. Shane rolled over onto his back carefully and looked up at Ryan, his face growing serious as the laughter faded off. "So, then, what's up with the date then?" he asked seriously.

Ryan sighed. "Uh…..I'm confused?" he said honestly, "It really didn't mean anything. It was a blind date and I've just felt a bit…..empty inside and I was trying to make it go away. I thought maybe I just needed to get laid or something. And honestly? I don't think I'd have ever guessed you felt like this. I….I wouldn't have gone out if I knew you felt this way."

Shane lay there just looking up at Ryan with those deep eyes of his; it was something he'd realized long before they had started to do any of this. Ryan wasn't sure if anyone else noticed it or not but Shane had this ability to look at you with an entirely blank expression but if you look into his eyes you could see sadness, confusion, longing or any other of many mixes of emotions so strong that you had to wonder how he didn't explode from the feeling of it. That's how he looked now and it was killing Ryan.

"Ryan…..you don't have to do this. You can tell me if you just want to date girls" Shane said, "I know I overreacted last night about this but you can tell me the truth and I'm not going to lose my shit. I went into this knowing it wasn't like that and it doesn't have to be that way. I don't want to ruin what we had."

Shane was being so understanding, so normal; he was almost believable. But no matter what he said, Ryan couldn't get the image of Shane alone, wasted out of his mind wondering around some bar; Ryan was still shuddering over what could have happened to him. Months ago, Ryan wouldn't have even given a second thought to Shane needing to be looked after going out on the town; he was a grown ass man after all. But now he did…..now he knew how vulnerable he was, how damaged…he hid it really well but Ryan had seen it all now. And as far as things going back to the way they had been before? Ryan thought that was unlikely. He couldn't just forget that Shane had feelings for him and he couldn't stop trying to figure how what his own feelings meant.

"First of all, stop saying you're going to ruin this; if you don't stop I'm going to beat your ass again" Ryan said, knowing that if Shane kept saying that it meant he was already internalizing that he'd done something wrong when he hadn't.

"And I am being honest" Ryan said, "Listen…..we started doing this for fun; neither one of us really knew what this thing we were doing was. Did I think it was a romantic thing? No….but, I also don't think you thought that either. I was just really mixed up and I did what I normally would do. But you want to know what I was thinking the whole time I was on that date? I was just wishing I was with you."

Shane actually BLUSHED and Ryan couldn't help but feel happy about it. He was getting through to him finally…..maybe. "Why?" Shane asked, looking like he believed Ryan but felt like he shouldn't have. It made Ryan sad because he seemed like Shane was used to rejection.

"Because everything we do is fun. Because somehow coming here and playing PlayStation with you sounded better than the potential to get laid." Ryan said. It felt a bit strange to admit that but that's exactly what he was thinking. He felt awkward until he saw Shane grinning.

"You must be crazy" Shane said, biting his lips as if he was trying to hold in his smirk but was failing miserably at it.

"Yeah, I think we can safely say that" Ryan said, idly picking up the whip off the bed and twirling it in his fingers, knowing Shane's eyes were following its every move. "Good thing you're crazy too"

And just like that, the moment had passed. The rest of the day was so NORMAL and so NOT normal at the same time. Ryan didn't want to go home; he spent the whole day with Shane. They binge watched Netflix and played video games and ordered pizza; it was all so normal that it was almost as if nothing had happened. But it HAD happened…Ryan felt like it was strange that they weren't saying anything about what had happened and yet he had no idea what to say. And maybe even that would have been okay if he didn't notice the difference in Shane. He was acting normal with one exception; he was avoiding touching Ryan like he had the plague or something. Since they'd begun this crazy BDSM experiment of theirs, touching each other had become such a normal thing between them. Even if it was just sitting on the couch and leaning against each other while they watched television, it was something that Ryan had come to actually crave; he didn't realize this until it was gone. Now, Shane was leaning against the arm of the couch, arms crossed and legs pulled up toward himself as far away from Ryan as possible while occupying the same couch. And if they happened to reach for the same controller or piece of pizza, Shane made sure to pull his hand back as quickly as he could as if he was afraid to touch Ryan. Ryan thought he'd been understanding; he thought he'd convinced Shane that he wasn't freaked out about his feelings but Shane obviously seemed to think he might be. Knowing Shane, he was still probably deeply worrying about how Ryan felt and was determined to make sure that he didn't make things weird.

Ryan looked at the television, something inside his chest feeling like it was aching. It felt like a punch to the guts and a pulled muscle deep inside his chest as if he couldn't breathe. He was smart enough to know what it was even though he never imagined that Shane could have inspired those feelings inside him. The words ripped from his throat as if they had a mind of their own.

"Shane…..I don't want to go home. I want to stay the night here with you. And I don't want to sleep on the couch," he burst out.

It was like a bomb went off; the words stopped, hung in the air and were replaced with dead silence. It wasn't like it was something new; he and Shane had actually been sharing a bed quite a lot lately. But in light of what Shane had confessed earlier, they both knew it seemed significant. That sick feeling in his stomach throbbed while he waited for Shane to say something.

Shae turned toward him, looking surprised. "You're not…..worried…afraid….."he said, hesitating to say what he meant.

Ryan had to laugh a bit because he knew exactly what Shane was not able to say. "Am I worried you're going to take advantage of me? No….I think you're a gentleman. Plus, you already know I can kick your ass"

Ryan was hoping Shane would laugh; thankfully he did. The smile looked good on his face. He looked like his normal self; the self he was before Ryan had inadvertently broke his shattered spirit.

"Okay" Shane said simply. He reached for the remote and turned off the television, leaving the living room quiet and dark; Ryan could hear the patter of rain on the roof and that sick feeling in his stomach fizzled out. His body had that slight jittery, excited feeling when you were anticipating something and knew it was almost here. Shane got up first and Ryan followed him through the darkened apartment back toward his bedroom.

It was almost as dark in Shane's room but the small amount of street light streaming in through his window was enough that Ryan could see Shane walk toward the side of the bed that had become his, take off his shirt, still moving somewhat gingerly, and get into bed. His face was facing the wall, his back toward Ryan. It was perfect for cuddling.

Ryan walked toward the side of the bed, stripping off his clothes down to his boxers before getting into bed next to Shane. Sliding across the cool sheets to come up behind Shane, he wrapped his arms around him, feeling Shane's hot skin against his chest. He somewhat managed to suppress a sigh…..It just felt so….damn….good…

Ryan didn't know what to say; he still didn't know what he was feeling. He knew that Shane had feelings for him but he still didn't know how to describe his own feelings. All he knew as he laid his face in the little crook behind Shane's neck that felt so perfect, as his fingers found the welts on Shane's back and began to trace them, as his spare hand felt Shane's heartbeat hammering fast inside his chest, that nothing would ever feel like this did and he knew that that meant something.

"Shane…..turn around" Ryan said. His fingers were pressed against one of Shane's welts; he pressed it just hard enough to make Shane gasp delightfully before he turned around to face Ryan.

Ryan's eyes had adjusted enough that he could make Shane's face out pretty well in the darkness. There were those deep eyes again and Ryan felt the slightest hesitation; his stomach squirmed with nerves, his heart raced with excitement and he forced himself to do this before he could talk himself out of it. He didn't want to be a coward.

"Can….can I…try something?" Ryan asked. He felt like it didn't even sound like him; the hesitation, the slight tremor of worry….it betrayed all of his worry and Ryan could tell Shane heard it because he heard Shane breathe in sharply.

"Yeah" Shane said. Ryan was relieved to hear that Shane's voice didn't sound like himself either. He sounded anxious, needy, and breathless.

It was such a small distance to cross but it seemed to Ryan that he took forever to do it. But he did do it…..and just like that, his lips were touching Shane's.

Ryan knew it was dangerous; he just had to know what it felt like. If he tried this and he ended up not liking it, then he would probably ruin his relationship with Shane. But he just HAD to know what it felt like to kiss Shane Madej.

At first, they didn't move; Ryan's lips were pressed against Shane's and they were both too surprised to do anything. Ryan felt himself mildly begin to panic; he was thinking too much. He was too aware that Shane was a guy, he was too aware they were friends, he was too aware that he had started this and didn't know what the hell to do next. He was just too damn AWARE of everything.

But then Shane grabbed his hand…those long, cool fingers curled around his for a few lazy seconds before he pulled Ryan's hand toward himself, making it come to rest against his heart. Shane's heart was racing, strong and fast from excitement and somehow that grounded Ryan. He wasn't thinking about all of the potential mistakes; he wasn't thinking about fucking this up. He was just thinking about Shane…..Shane who went on all of these crazy adventures when he didn't believe in ghosts, Shane who could calm him down and prevent him from a nervous breakdown, Shane who he thought about almost constantly now, Shane who trusted him to be his Dom, Shane who let Ryan beat him because he knew really deep down it meant something way more…..all of this reminded Ryan that this was way more than all of the insignificant details he was getting caught up on.

Despite all of the questionable things they had been doing lately, Ryan would have found it unbelievable to imagine that he would have been kissing Shane before today. Even so, at first the kiss felt familiar and just so...much...like...Shane. It was gentle; even though Ryan could feel the scrapping of the little bit of stubble that was dotting Shane's face it was gentle and soft. The stubble was a complete contrast to the surprising softness of Shane's lips, moving slowly and carefully against Ryan's. It was soft, gentle, unhurried; it tasted of popcorn and pizza and his nose was filled that indescribable musky scent of Shane Ryan knew well from having slept next to him during some of the scariest nights of his life.

But as familiar and gentle as it seemed at first, it quickly turned into something else. St first the kiss was careful, tentative, warm and comforting like an old sweater or a good memory but soon it turned into something that took his breath away.

Shane might have been nervous or waiting for Ryan to push away; when that didn't happen, his whole demeanor changed. Ryan was soon pressed into the mattress with Shane's weight on him. He could feel Shane's long cool fingers come to the top of his head and down his face; they seemed undecided on whether to stay knotted in his hair or to stroke the skin on his face and Ryan honestly had no objection to either. All it took was a slight parting of lips on his part for Shane's tongue to fill the space. Shane's lips moved quickly, desperately as he opened up Ryan's mouth deeper to explore every inch of it like he'd been dying to do this for years.

Ryan had been waiting for it to be weird but it was anything but...as Shane's tongue explored his mouth, Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane's back, running along the skin of his back. He wasn't trying to be hard but occasionally his fingers dug in as a moan escaped from him and he heard a slight whimper from Shane, his fingers connecting with Shane's wounds.

The sound of slight pain and pleasure sent a wave of need through Ryan; as surprisingly erotic as it was to be kissing his best friend like this, the reminder of Shane's pain and how he was the one who put it there escalated Ryan's need.

Ryan felt dizzy and heady as all of his blood rushed quickly away from his head down south. Shane was nearly laying on top of Ryan, smothering his body in the most delightful way. Their chests were bare and Ryan could feel how Shane's heart raced against his; Shane's long legs were entwined in Ryan's locking him in place. And already Ryan could tell Shane was definitely HANDSY. This wasn't a surprise; Ryan knew this from the moment he admitted he liked all that 'romantic shit'. Shane loved hugging Ryan, leaning against him on the couch, nestling against as they slept. So it wasn't a surprise but it was very, very pleasant. Shane's hands were EVERYWHERE...playing with his hair, holding his face, running along his chest, traveling all the way tantalizingly down to his belly button but not going further…..

Ryan was surprised how easy it was to kiss Shane...like everything else they did it just felt natural and RIGHT. Ryan could have done it all night if not for the need to breathe. After several minutes Shane was the first one to pull back, hovering inches from Ryan's face, gasping for breath so heavily that Ryan could feel his hot breath on his face. Shane had the good grace to actually look BASHFUL about it...

"Oh...okay?" Shane asked uncertainly. He was still breathing heavily but seemed shy and cautious as if he really didn't know if Ryan had enjoyed himself.

"Dude...fuck. Fuck yeah it's okay" Ryan said, laughing a bit from the waves of hormones flooding throughout the him, relief everything was okay and the hilarity of the situation. He felt shaky and a bit drunk he was so happy.

Relief washed over Shane's expression and he started laughing an open, carefree huff of a laugh and it was all Ryan could do not to kiss him immediately; Shane could look so deliciously innocent sometimes.

"Yeah?" Shane asked in relief, licking his lips. When he did stuff like that he had to wonder if Shane was as innocent as he seemed because honestly...Ryan was imagining his own spit on Shane's lips as he licked them.

"Yeah dude...we should have been doing THAT a long time ago" Ryan said and was rewarded with a pleasant blush across Shane's cheeks.

"So...we can...do it again?" Shane asked, looking eager and hopeful. Ryan was again hit over the head with the weight of how lucky he was not only to have such a good friend but how amazing it was to be a dom over such a compliant sub.

Instead of saying anything, Ryan just wrapped his hands around Shane's head and roughly pulled Shane's lips to his own.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan and Shane spend a lazy Sunday together exploring being a couple

Ryan was in an amazing, surprising state of bliss. He couldn't recall when he had felt so unbelievably content and happy without the aid of weed or alcohol or even sex. But waking up lying peacefully in bed on a quiet Sunday morning with Shane nestled securely in the crook of his shoulder made Ryan wonder if things could possibly get any better.

Ryan slept better than he had for a very long time. That wasn't to say that he slept without waking; he actually woke up a lot, slightly confused in the haze of unfamiliar sheets that smelt of Shane's musk. But every time he'd woken up in the darkness, he'd hear the hum of thunder; he'd shuffle around in the sheets and immediately somehow he'd find Shane's lips. They'd kiss, lazily, slowly, half asleep, as if they'd been doing this for years, and then drift back off to sleep until the next time.

Ryan didn't dream that night; he was in a half awake state all night, the memory of Shane drifting in and out between periods of wakefulness. When he woke up, he felt fully relaxed, amazingly well rested but more than that he was HAPPY…he hadn't realized how unhappy he had truly been lately until he woke up that morning so bursting with happiness and optimism he felt like a little kid again.

That emptiness that had been plaguing Ryan, the need and want that had been sucking him of energy and joy was finally gone...and Ryan realized that the long skinny man who was so affectionately drooling sleepily against his shoulder was the reason.

Should Ryan have seen it sooner? He'd always had a good time working with Shane and had long considered him his best friend. And the addition of their BDSM relationship only made it more perfect...but should Ryan have realized Shane was the missing piece in his life? The piece that would make him stop feeling as though there was an empty chasm inside of him that was unfillable? Ryan turned his head slightly to look at Shane sleeping on him; yes, he should have realized because it was painfully obvious he could now see. Shane had seen that before he did; he wasn't afraid to admit his feelings to himself. If someone always made you happy all the time then it was a good chance they were sometimes you needed in life.

Ryan kept his gaze trained on Shane. His face was relaxed, calm; he looked younger and more open in sleep than waking when he was so guarded against others. As Ryan studied his face in the early morning light streaming through the blinds he realized he'd been holding Shane at arm's length. To anyone else it might not have seemed like that. Their friendship and work relationship was as strong as ever and in fact their BDSM activities would suggest they were even closer. And they were in a lot of ways...but while they'd been pushing the boundaries of physical touch together Ryan realized he'd been putting up MORE emotional boundaries. It was all good and fine to whip and beat Shane, even to cuddle and sleep next to him, but he'd been careful to ignore the growing feelings he was having. Now he realized, thanks to Shane's admission, he didn't have to. And that utterly terrified Ryan in some ways. But greater than that was the great sense of calm come over him; it was as if he'd been carrying a great weight and could finally put it down.

Ryan lost track of how long he lay there because he was so damn happy he might have stayed like that all day. Right then there was nothing but the feel of Shane's breath on his face, the dazzling patterns of light dancing on the walls and the sound of a soft mewing as Shane's cat hopped onto the bed and nestled into the place between his legs and Shane's.

Slowly, Shane began to stir. Ryan noticed it in all the little ways he never paid attention to before; nuzzling his head around the pillow slightly, fluttering his eyes, giving a little huff of breath that sounded a bit like a sigh or slight moan. Then, with Ryan still staring at him in what he hoped wasn't a creepy way, Shane's eyes opened fully and took in the sight of Ryan next to him. He was immediately smiling and Ryan only hoped that he might be feeling that wave of satisfaction he was.

"Hey" Shane said, his voice husky from sleep, stretching out his long limbs and yawning.

"Hey" Ryan said, finding his own voice rough from sleep. He thought maybe he should say more but suddenly found that there wasn't much to say. Shane's lips, however, needed to be occupied, Ryan decided. Half way between a yawn, Ryan caught Shane's lips in a deep, slow kiss like the ones they had shared all night. It was ridiculous how natural it felt when 24 hours ago he had no idea Shane even had feelings for him.

After kissing Shane until he felt dizzy and slightly sleep again, Ryan broke free, catching his breath. "Sleep well?" Ryan asked, smiling at the flushed, pleased look on Shane's face as he recovered from the kiss.

"I slept amazingly…..except every time I was fast asleep someone kept waking me up in the middle of the night" Shane said with a smug smile.

"Wow, what an asshole he must be" Ryan quipped. Before he could say anything else snappy, Shane was leaning over him, hands on either side of him, looking down at him. He had a sly grin on his face and Ryan felt his breath quicken in his chest and his heart skip a beat.

"Let's go get some breakfast, asshole" Shane said with a smirk before leaning down and kissing him full on.

Ryan LOVED kissing; it was ironic how he could have forgotten how much enjoyed it. The thing was, as an adult, it was so easy and tempting to blast past the kissing bit and go straight for the sex part. But, through sleepy night time kisses, and arousing morning kisses, and making out in the car like teenager kisses, Ryan was recalling very quickly the joy and excitement of kissing.

Even now, it's all Ryan could think about. He and Shane were walking through one of their favorite breakfast spots as the hostess led them to a table. The restaurant was packed with people for Sunday brunch as Ryan looked at everyone he couldn't help but smile; no one could look at him and Shane and know how drastically they had changed overnight. But as they sat down in their booth, he and Shane both with a day's growth on their faces because they didn't waste time shaving when they could be kissing, and him in his rumpled clothes from yesterday, it was all Ryan could do not to grab Shane and kiss him like no one would be able to ignore their happiness. Ryan felt absolutely invigorated, almost giddy with happiness; totally unlike himself. He liked this version of himself much better.

They pulled out their menus and commented on what they might get. Even something that mundane made Ryan feel as if there was something really funny and he should be laughing; it was that bubble, that soaring feeling in his chest that seemed like it needed to escape. There was a question on the tip of his mind and he waited until the waitress had taken their orders and poured them coffee before he asked his question.

"You know, you never answered my question yesterday" Ryan said, taking a sip of coffee. On the natural high he was on, it tasted like the best thing he'd ever drunk.

"What question's that?" Shane asked, giving him a curious glance as he added sugar to his cup.

"The one about how long this has been going on?" Ryan asked, feeling his stomach do a little flip flop. He already knew Shane had feelings for him and he already felt himself having plenty of feelings for Shane but for some reason the idea of knowing exactly WHEN Shane started feeling that way was eating him up. He had a burning feeling inside him at contemplating their everyday, normal actions in the past days or weeks through the lens that at the time Shane was already looking differently at him.

"How long has what been going on?" Shane asked, trying to look innocent. He was being intentionally obtuse; he was already blushing slightly.

"Don't play dumb, Shane, it's not convincing on you" Ryan said with a sly smirk, "How long have you wanted to do what we've been doing pretty much solidly for the past twelve hours?"

Shane glanced down at a desert menu on the table, intentionally not looking at Ryan except for a slight sideways glance now and then. "You want me to give you my detailed fantasies about making out with you?" he asked. He still looked shy but his words were undoubtedly cheeky.

Ryan felt suddenly felt hot all over; yes, that's EXACTLY what Ryan wanted. He tried not to pant as he spoke. "Yeah, that'd be wonderful. Tell me all about that" Ryan said, unable to keep from grinning like an idiot.

Apparently, he was also unable to keep the hunger out of his voice because Shane grinned at him wickedly and said, "Ryan, we're in public" in a fake chiding voice.

Yes, they WERE; somehow that made it better. "I don't give a shit; tell me" Ryan said seriously.

Shane was embarrassed; he was running his fingers through his hair, pushing his glasses up on his nose when they didn't need pushing….. "I mean, I can't tell you exactly WHEN it started but I suppose it was kind of around the time we started….." Shane looked around before lowering his voice to a whisper, "you know, the Dom stuff"

Ryan tried not to over react lest Shane get the wrong idea but his head felt like it was going to melt into a puddle and then explode. Shane had started having feelings for him when they started the domination stuff? That was MONTHS ago…..Ryan was nearly overwhelmed by the idea that Shane had been looking at him like that for that long and Ryan was totally clueless. Shane had done a phenomenally good job of hiding his feelings because Ryan had absolutely NO idea.

Ryan must have been silent too long because Shane spoke up. "I mean, I know we both acted like that wasn't going to make thing complicated and I meant it too when we said it but it did…make things complicated." He said.

"How?" Ryan asked, leaning on the edge of his chair, so eager to hear Shane spell it out for him he wanted to pull the answers from his physically.

Shane leaned back in his chair, biting his lips anxiously. "I can't believe we're talking about this" he said in disbelief. More hair fiddling, more glasses fixing…..

"Well, if you're going to be difficult about it, I could order you. I could even give you a smack on the leg under the table to give you some motivation. Or take you to the bathroom and give you a proper smack" Ryan said, trying his best to sound dark and dominate. He wasn't sure it worked until Shane drank his coffee in one big gulp like it was a shot and laughed embarrassed.

"Ryan seriously…..saying stuff like that you're gonna….."Shane said but seemed to not want to finish what he was saying.

"I'm going to what?" Ryan asked. The waitress had come by and given them their food but Ryan barely noticed. He felt so excited he was like a kid waiting to open a gift.

Shane's voice was so quiet Ryan could barely hear it as he whispered, "Keep saying stuff like that and you're going to give me a boner"

Well, that made two of them…..Shane's words were like a signal to make all of the blood in his body rush downward and Ryan was actively focusing on not getting a boner himself. Which, was pretty much impossible when he was very vividly imaging taking Shane to the bathroom to spank him, making sure he had a boner before they went to back to table and made Shane eat his breakfast. The fantasy was breathtaking…..Ryan thought how unbelievable it was that he was having thoughts like this about Shane so effortlessly. It was like he'd had sexual feelings for Shane locked in a box inside him all along and now that it had been unlocked, they were all spilling out.

But Ryan wasn't sure they were quite ready for ALL of that yet; he filed the fantasy in his mind for later reference. "I don't want to torture you…..at least not right now" Ryan said, unable to add the hint. "But seriously, tell me what you were thinking"

Shane took a deep breath and visible looked like he was composing himself. "I mean, the idea of all of that domination stuff was good but I guess I didn't realize HOW good until we started doing it. It was just so…..you were so…..POWERFUL…it put my head in a totally new place" Shane admitted. "I actually tried to stop it…I could feel it coming on but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop it from making me see you in a different way. All powerful, tough, strong…which apparently, big surprise, I find really hot."

Shane laughed and Ryan was glad because he found himself laughing too; this was all so unbelievable. "I made you discover your secret kink for strong men?" Ryan quipped.

"I don't know about strong men, but I definitely know about strong YOU" Shane said honestly, even though his face was aflame. "I started looking at those ridiculous arms of yours and I would spend inordinate amounts of time remembering what they had done to me…somehow that evolved into what they MIGHT do to me. I spent a lot of business meetings next to you daydreaming about that…."

Shane gave him a sly grin at that comment, knowing exactly what he was doing. He still had no idea how Shane had the ability to look so innocent and so dirty at the same time but it was definitely good.

"Speaking of boners….."Ryan said with a nervous laugh, grabbing his napkin to mop his sweating brow. His brain was definitely impaired by the loss of blood speeding toward his lap.

Shane laughed, looking embarrassed but pleased. "Maybe we ought to eat our breakfast now and talk later" he suggested, looking down at his plate.

"Yeah, that's probably the sensible thing to do" Ryan agreed, grabbing his silverware with shaky hands and began to tuck into his food.

He wasn't sure he had ever eaten a meal that tasted so good or that he had eaten with such vigor as if he was starving man.

He and Shane spent the rest of the day at the beach. It was a sunny pretty day but not that hot so it wasn't totally overrun which Ryan as grateful for. Shane had let him borrow a pair of his swim trunks which were too big but Ryan did not care at all; under that set in scent of the beach in them they smelled like Shane. They had grabbed a few towels and filled a cooler with beers and they were off.

It was very normal, abnormal day. It was like other days they'd spent in that they teased each other, fought over the music on the radio, dared each other on how far out to swim into the ocean (Ryan lost, Shane really seemed to have no fear) and they argued over whether ghosts were real or not while drinking beer after a fan had recognized them at the beach.

But of course there was all the reasons it was different too; the intentional brushing up against each other's hands or legs stretched out on the towels, the holding hands under the water in the ocean where no one could see and the one stolen kiss at the end of the day when the beach was pretty much deserted.

The day was ending and Ryan didn't want it to; the California sun was slowly heading for the horizon, painting the ocean a mix of reds, oranges and yellows. Ryan was laying back on his towel, half looking at the sunset and half looking at Shane who was sitting next to him. He had his long legs pulled up to his chest, his chin resting on his knees. His white t-shirt clung to him from where they were sitting and Ryan wished he wasn't wearing it even though he knew why he was; Shane's back was in no state for strangers to see it. Ryan felt a wave of satisfaction wash over him at the remembrance of the welts across Shane's back. He wasn't exactly happy about the cause for that beating but he was happy about the result of it. He couldn't help it; he lifted up the back of Shane's shirt just enough to see the swollen welts and purple bruises along it. As he ran his finger along a particularly inflamed welt, Shane's breath caught in his throat in a hitch. Ryan thought about the saltwater and wondered if it was irritating Shane's wounds. Though, knowing Shane, it probably brought him some satisfaction if it was. Ryan couldn't personally imagine being so active much less swimming in saltwater with injuries like that.

"Shane…..has anyone ever hurt you?" Ryan didn't even know he'd needed to ask the question until he had but now that he had he realized how much he needed to know the answer. He didn't want to make Shane uncomfortable by asking such a weird question but it just kind of slipped out.

Shane just laughed. "You mean other than you?" he asked, looking at Ryan's hand which was still idly stroking his wounds.

Ryan put Shane's shirt back down and sat up to look at him closer. "That's not what I mean" Ryan clarified. "I mean like…actually hurt you. I mean…..well, I guess I'm not making much sense but…..like do you like this because…"

Ryan wasn't making any sense at all and now that he had spoken he realized he couldn't say what he needed to say. What he really needed to ask was why was Shane this way? Did he like to be beat because he was used to it? Was he used to being treated like shit?

Ryan was glad that Shane could make some sense out of his nonsense. Shane turned and looked fully at Ryan with a smile on his face. "You're worried I'm really fucked up in the head; that's actually pretty sweet. I don't think anyone's asked me that before" he said.

Ryan blanched. "That's not what I meant…."he started to say. He felt stupid for bringing it up now.

Shane just laughed. "I'm just joking, Ryan. I know what you mean. And the answer is no…..I'm not damaged. I'm not into all of this because I've been abused or something so you don't have to worry you're perpetuating abuse because I know how you are. My parents never even spanked me as a kid so I don't even have mommy or daddy issues. And I already told you that I didn't have any BDSM experience so this isn't some sordid thing about a long lost ex or something. Honestly…..I don't know why I like it. But then again, can you tell me why you like beating me? I know it's not because you're some sick fucked up guy; you're still the same Ryan I've known all along. I'm the same Shane you know…..you don't have to peel back the layers here. I'm fine."

"Okay….okay, I guess you're right" Ryan agreed. He grabbed another beer and drank it slowly as he contemplated the sunset. He knew Shane was telling the truth; he could feel that Shane really was being honest. But that didn't stop Ryan from feeling just maybe that he was leaving something else out?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After sharing a few weeks of new relationship bliss together, Ryan and Shane visit the scene of a horrific murder and the unexpected happens

Ryan didn't want the weekend to end but considering he'd been wearing the same clothes for two days and needed a shower he had to be a responsible adult and return to his own apartment Sunday night so he'd be presentable the next day. But that didn't mean he didn't stall. He stalled in the most delicious way; making out on Shane's couch...against the wall...against the door... saying goodbye might have been a long process but it left Ryan's head reeling and his legs shaking. It took every bit of self-control that he had to finally pull himself away.

He'd gone home and done the necessities; showered, shaved, put on clean underwear, brushed his teeth. It felt pretty good but what didn't feel good was slipping under the cool covers of his bed after turning out his light and realizing he was utterly and totally alone. It felt a bit ridiculous to feel the weight of being alone so much; he wasn't that dependent on anyone. But having spent most of the weekend in a happy bubble with Shane made him feel maybe he just WAS becoming that dependent on him and he wasn't sure that was a bad thing.

Lying in bed, Ryan starred up at the ceiling and thought about the overwhelming whirlwind that had been the past weekend for him and Shane. It made Ryan smile even in the darkness, recalling how amazingly happy he had been and still was just thinking about it .Of course it also left that residual feeling sense of longing that made all his blood rush southward. Lying in bed, in the dark, alone, Ryan allowed himself the chance to do something he'd never done before. He allowed himself to get off to the thought of Shane.

The thought of getting off to thinking about Shane like that was so foreign and unusual that Ryan felt dirty just thinking it was possible. In the silence of the room as he felt the prickling in his mind of the idea of doing that felt so WRONG...so DIRTY...and yet so exciting Ryan was pulling down his pants and slipping a hand around himself underneath the covers.

Ryan was pretty much hard the moment he touched himself; he thought of what he was doing was so exciting and felt so sordid it was not hard to get there. Beginning to move his hand in its usual pace, an involuntary moan ripped from his throat, sounding obscenely loud in the quiet of his room.

Ryan would have never allowed himself to do this before everything that had happened yesterday because it would have seemed too wrong and obviously he had been in denial that he didn't think about Shane like that. That wasn't to say that he had never had an errant thought about Shane like that especially after he'd started being Shane's dom. In the middle of his usual fantasies he'd get a flash of memory of a moan Shane had done when he'd been hitting him or the sight of Shane's ass red and swollen. But Ryan always quickly pushed the thought away. Now, he fully indulged it.

As soon as Ryan started, he realized that this wasn't going to take long. The moment he allowed himself to think about Shane like that he realized how long he seriously he had wanted secretly to do this. He thought about how Shane looked when he hit him and what he sounded like when he moaned in pain. He allowed himself to imagine if Shane would moan like that during sex. He thought about how it felt when Shane kissed him and how his hands had felt on his body; he imagined what it would feel like if it were Shane's hand around him and not his own.

In a somewhat embarrassingly short time, Ryan was panting and gasping in the silent room as he came and spilled come all over his hand. He knew it was no different than any other time but thinking of Shane while he came seemed to heighten it; it WAS definitely better because of Shane.

Ryan quickly cleaned himself off and rolled over, feeling fatigue wash suddenly over him. Normally, he would have lay awake and overthought what it meant that he'd made himself come thinking about Shane. But he was so tired and satiated that he didn't spent any time worrying and simply passed out into a good sleep.

Ryan was not only early to work the next day but he also felt surprisingly chipper; this was unheard of on any day but especially on a Monday. Even his co-workers seemed to notice the change; he said hello to everyone he passed and knew he was grinning stupidly but he didn't care. A few people even made comments along the lines asking if he was so chipper because he had gotten laid. He'd made the clique comment that he didn't kiss and tell; he laughed as he walked away, knowing no one knew how really true that was.

Ryan was already invested in his work by the time that Shane showed up. He was somehow happy almost to the point of bubbliness while researching gruesome murders when Shane sauntered into the office and took his seat next to Ryan. And saunter was the right word; Shane was walking as if he was floating through the air, the same goofy smile on his face that Ryan had.

Ryan knew he was staring but he couldn't help it; Shane looked GREAT. He was obviously cleaned and freshly cologned and he was wearing the glasses Ryan liked. It wasn't as if Shane had been too lazy to put in his contacts; somehow Ryan KNEW Shane was wearing them because Ryan had once mentioned he liked them. And he was wearing that godforsaken Hawaiian shirt with about four buttons undone. He had to be doing it on PURPOSE…..Ryan felt a flush of heat run through his body looking at the tantalizing bit of skin exposed on Shane's chest. He was suddenly assaulted with the memory of getting off thinking about Shane which seemed somehow more monumental in the light of day. He found himself squirming in his chair as he handed a coffee to Shane.

"Hey" Shane said, somewhat shyly, drinking his coffee and pushing up his glasses as if to accentuate them.

"Hey…long time no see" Ryan said, grinning and drinking his coffee to have something to do. He felt all jittery and excited. He kept looking at Shane's lips and felt like Shane could tell because he was grinning like mad.

Shane was grinning behind his coffee cup. "Missed you last night" he said simply. The grin, the quiet voice…..all of it was enough to undo Ryan. No one in the office was listening or paying them any attention but it still seemed impossible they were talking about this here. A lot of their coworkers would go mad if they knew what was going on between them; they were like the fans in that they thought they should have been together long ago.

Ryan tried not to grin wildly but knew he failed. "I missed you too….."Ryan said quietly. He knew no one could hear them but he still felt it was important; he didn't want anyone to know about this yet. He wanted to enjoy this without anyone else interfering yet. It was nice not to have anyone bothering them and giving them unwanted advice. Of course, it also had the added benefit of making this whole thing feel FORBIDDEN which was simply amazing.

"I went to sleep thinking about you…..about kissing you" Shane said. His voice was quiet and he was looking at the blank computer screen but Ryan knew all of his attention was on him.

Ryan was SHOOK….he imagined Shane lying in his bed thinking about kissing him…imagined Shane doing the same thing HE had done last night and felt himself begin to sweat all over. A few days ago that statement would have been unheard of coming from Shane; Ryan said a silent prayer to the universe that life really could change that quickly.

"That's ironic because I did the same" Ryan admitted. He also didn't look at Shane fully but he could see him out of the corner of his eye. Ryan was typing at his computer when he felt long, cool fingers on his own.

It wasn't much REALLY; Shane wasn't even holding his hand but just resting his hand on Ryan's. But any touch from Shane had a way of making his heart speed up now. And of course there was the fact that they were in the middle of the office. If anyone walked past them now it wouldn't be exactly obvious there was something romantic going but it would be obvious that SOMETHING was going on. What that something was, who knew what people might come to conclude. Ryan felt a shudder of desire and something sordid run through him.

As if that wasn't enough to make Ryan feel uncomfortably hot and flustered, Shane had shameless audacity to whisper, "I bet if we looked really hard we could find an empty closet or storage room somewhere that might be…..useful"

Shane Madej was clearly going to be the DEATH of him…..Ryan felt a tremor run clearly all the way from his neck, down his back and deep into the area below his navel. Shane said it as calmly as if he was suggesting they go look for the coffee maker but he knew the second they were away from prying eyes Shane would be on him like a leech. Shane was very handsy…..and Ryan LOVED it.

It was a miracle that Ryan could respond naturally, coolly…not betraying that he immediately wanted to bolt from his chair and find the nearest vacant broom closet and yank Shane inside. "Well…..then…I suppose we ought to go find one" Ryan said calmly, glancing out of the corner of his eye. Shane was good at hiding his excitement but Ryan could well see the slight flush of his cheeks, the bead of sweat on his brow…and then Shane was up and out of the room.

Ryan waited for all of five seconds before he was making his way out of the room too, suddenly not caring if anyone noticed anything amiss. Less than three minutes later Ryan was in a dark, unused room of clutter deep within Buzzfeed, encircled in long limbs and wet, eager lips. Turns out, Buzzfeed did have plenty of unused rooms and they WERE VERY useful.

Ryan brought the whip down hard against Shane's pale flesh, at least what there was LEFT of it, and was rewarded with the delightful hiss of painful breath from Shane. Shane was leaned over his bed, his arms and legs trembling at the touch of pain yet again; Ryan could tell it wasn't going to be long now. Shane was shaking and whimpering, his pale skin a patchwork of purple, red and blue…..it was a beautiful sight to behold. Ryan never got tired of it and yet he WAS ready for the next phase of the night.

"Well…do you have anything to say?" Ryan asked, hovering over Shane. Shane's face was pressed deep into the comforter. He turned slightly to look back at Ryan. Normally, Ryan wouldn't have allowed it but he knew Shane was waning so he let it slide. Ryan could see the indecision flicker through his eyes. Would he admit he was wrong, even though he didn't want to, to gain comfort and forgiveness? Ryan had to admit, even now, he never really knew which way he would go until it happened.

A moment later, Shane's face crumpled and his eyes squinted in an effort not to fill. "I'm…..I'm…..sorry…I'm a very bad boy "he said, his voice trembling and needy. Ryan didn't have the resolve to be hard at the sound of that tone.

It had been a few weeks since he and Shane had taken their relationship to this new place, this place beyond their weird domination kink to a place where they could admit affection for each other beyond that. It had been a wonderful few weeks of flurried interactions in closets, cars, on couches, in bedrooms in a delicious fashion…..it was a frenzy of tousled hair, swollen lips and fingers scrapping wherever they could touch. It was still full of whips and paddles, hits and smacks, begging and apologies but even more so was all of the kissing….Ryan was still boggled by how great the KISSING was. He and Shane hadn't done anything MORE than that yet…though it wasn't as if they hadn't had a chance. They had made out, sometimes to the point of what could only be called dry humping, in the dark in his apartment or Shane's. They had slept in the same bed with minimal clothing several times and yet things had never progressed beyond a certain level. That wasn't exactly in testament to their self-control because Ryan knew he didn't HAVE much of that. They had PLENTY of chances to do more than simply kiss. And Ryan had certainly THOUGHT of it…..that first time of getting himself off thinking of Shane had not been the last by any stretch of the mind. He was slightly ashamed, though mostly aroused, to recall the times where these thoughts had put him to sleep. But somehow the thoughts and desires hadn't expressed themselves in real life. Ryan really wanted those things; it was hard to admit but he did. Even so, it simply hadn't happened yet. Ryan wasn't used to this; most of the time his relationships were more forward and quick. But with Shane…somehow things seemed different.

Ryan liked to think himself tough and firm but at Shane's admission he crumpled. Sure, Shane hadn't exactly been good; he had been headstrong and obstinate as ever. But he wasn't BAD…when Shane said it like that it was like he was a little boy that believed that he had no good left in him and he was all bad and evil. Maybe this would have brought joy to some Doms but to Ryan it didn't. To Ryan, it was over at the moment of confession and repentance.

"You're not a bad boy…you just made some bad choices" Ryan said. His voice went from mean and crass to cool and understanding; he dropped the whip and began to move toward Shane in a comforting way.

"All I wanted was to hear you were sorry" Ryan said softly. He had abandoned the whip and his hands were coming to rest softly on Shane's back. It was bruised and abused and even as his hands touched it Shane's breath hissed heavily.

"I am…I am…..I know I'm BAD…"Shane said, his voice slight. He was tired, empty and defeated….that wouldn't do.

Ryan put each of his hands on Shane's sides, running tantalizing down before coming to rest on Shane's hips. Ryan knew he didn't imagine the reflexive push of Shane's hips at his touch.

Ryan knew that despite the fact that this was all just in fun that it was somewhat cathartic for Shane. That accounted for the way that he would sometimes be more stubborn, less willing to give in or more emotional. Ryan knew that there was something underlying all of this that played into this and Ryan did not have a problem with that; it made sense to him. It did bother him a little that sometimes when Shane said he was bad, Ryan thought there was some part deep inside of him that really believed that about himself.

"No, no you're not, you just have to make better choices. I know you want to be good" Ryan said, his domination voice fading away into him comforting one. With his hands on Shane's hips, he gently turned him around.

Shane instantly fell into Ryan's arms. His long arms wrapped all the way around Ryan, practically crushing him, his face buried into Ryan's chest. He always held on as if Ryan was going to disappear from him but somehow this was different. There was just a deeper hint of desperation there. Ryan thought that he knew what it might be; it was the same thing that was making his own stomach twitch in nerves.

They'd been working hard but of course that didn't account for Shane's overly clinging self. They were finishing up the end of the true crime season, in fact the filming of the season finale was in a week. Normally that would have been cause for celebration but this time Ryan was not thrilled about what they were doing. They were visiting the house that was the site of a grisly murder several years back. Just on site; they weren't actually allowed to go inside or anything. That might not have been so bad except their show was called UNSOLVED...this murder was unsolved, meaning of course that the murderer was never caught and could still be out there. And who knew if he was the type to come back and revisit his crime? Of course, the actual threat was very low but still it was unsettling. It was the OJ Simpson and Keddie Cabin episodes...it gave one the sense of being watched which Ryan hated. He was always scared on location because of the supernatural but these cases were especially bad because Shane was unsettled too. He might not admit it but Ryan could tell and despite his pride he had to admit he felt calmer when Shane was calm. And there was something about this one that made Ryan feel distinctly LESS calm. He had the strange sensation that this was all leading up to something and he didn't like that sensation.

Ryan stayed that way for longer than he would have normally, with Shane's arms wrapped around him, his head resting on his chest, being comforted by the sensation of Shane's hot breath brushing against his skin. Ryan let his fingers come to rest in Shane's hair, playing with it idly with hit while his mind overthought all of these things. Shane's hair was longer than usual, a bit unkempt and perfect; Ryan found that playing with it was like playing with a relaxing toy.

Ryan tried to push the errant thoughts of work and violent murders out of his head while he tended to Shane's aftercare. Ryan spent longer than normal with Shane's wounds; spread out across Ryan's bed, Shane's face was drawn in content even as gasped slightly as Ryan pressed on him, rubbing lotion into his wounded skin. Ryan let himself get lost in lines on Shane's back, tracing the purple lines he had inflicted; it was embarrassingly calming. Shane was even more pliant than normal. When Ryan went to help him back into his clothes he went totally limp and let Ryan do it for him; it was like trying to wrangle wet spaghetti into arm and leg holes.

Shane must have not been himself; when it was over he voluntarily put a basketball game on the television for Ryan as they settled back relaxing against the bed. Of course, it wasn't as if they SAW much of the game; lying right next to each other made it WAY too easy for hands to find exposed bits of skin and lips to find each other.

Not that Ryan was complaining…Shane's desperation or whatever the hell it was was evident in his kissing as well. His hands were EVERYWHERE…in Ryan's hair, across his face, down his arms and squeezing at his muscles, across his stomach and tantalizingly close to his quickly growing erection. In no time, Shane was on top of him, his long, warm body pressing him into the bed while he consumed Ryan's mouth in a way that made his head spin. No, he definitely wasn't complaining…..

Still…..as mind blowingly aroused as he was he still be couldn't let go of the nagging sensation that Shane was worried or upset about something and he didn't say it. There was really nothing super off that would suggest that he just couldn't get rid of the nagging sensation that he should at least ask. So, when Shane finally pulled back for a second to gather breath, Ryan put his hands on Shane's chest to hold him back.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice breathless. It sounded strange in the room that had been so loud with the obscene sounds of sucking and smacking from moments ago, undercut by the dim sounds of the basketball game on the television.

Shane's face was red and flush, his hair tousled from Ryan's greedy hands. "I'm MORE than okay" Shane said with a laugh. He tried to kiss Ryan but Ryan kept him back.

"I just thought maybe you were worried…..or something. You know, all this stuff with the murder house and everything." Ryan said. His heart was still hammering in his chest.

Shane quirked his eye so heavily and ironically that you'd have thought he was talking about the spirit box. "Ryan, seriously? I'm giving you my best stuff here and you want to talk about WORK?" he asked.

Ryan felt his face flush. It did seem a bit ridiculous but his gut feelings were often not wrong. That was why he was so sure about the sprints he felt; he had a sensitivity to energy, alive and dead. "Well…..I just thought…"Ryan started but didn't finish.

Shane pressed himself closer to Ryan; Ryan could feel Shane's erection pressed against him and he knew that was NOT an accident. Ryan's own cock twitched at the enticing touch

"Shut up, Ryan" Shane said. His voice was deep, dark and full of heat. It made Ryan ACHE…..every thought was swept from his mind except how much he wanted Shane. Shane might have been using his allure to distract Ryan away from talking about something deep but Ryan was going to let it happen.

"Okay "Ryan agreed hurriedly before grabbing the back of Shane's head and wrenching it back down to himself.

Ryan had exactly NO chill. He WAS trying…..really he was trying. And just when he thought he was doing an excellent job of containing the fury of anxiety and worry inside his own body like a self-contained storm, he realized his hands were shaking or that he was sweating profusely which only gave away the fact that he was very clearly NOT chilled.

"Ryan…..you seriously need to relax" Shane said with a slight laugh. When Ryan glanced over at him in the passenger seat, he was leaning back clearly too relaxed, grinning behind his coffee cup and glancing back out the window. Ryan glared at him.

"I am FINE….."Ryan said. It came out a bit through gritted teeth and didn't sound fine at all. Shane laughed harder and the whole crew in the back seat chuckled quietly though they did pretend as if they weren't.

"Ry, you're SHAKING" Shane said, pointing towards Ryan's hands. "It's going to be fine. You need to RELAX…."

"Yeah, well maybe you ought to make me then…."Ryan said with a bit of heat, gripping the steering wheel. It was only when he glanced at Shane that he realized how it sounded. And the humorous but slightly dark look Shane gave him back made him realize how it sounded. Also, Ryan was suddenly very aware that if everyone else wasn't in the car it was very likely that Shane would do exactly that. Ryan felt the need to crack a window, clear his throat several times and change the subject.

"Yeah, well, maybe I am obsessing over it but at least one of us has to have a head on our shoulders. Someone has to be sensible" Ryan said.

Shane gave him a mock offended expression. "Are you implying that I am NOT sensible?" he asked.

"Just don't do anything stupid" Ryan warned him. Shane had a way of acting in ways that made Ryan think Shane had a death wish.

"Like what?" Shane asked, "If you're referring to me taunting your spooky specters, that doesn't count. Because you know that's just be talking to myself basically and no harm could come to me."

"No I was referring to things like us rolling into Keddie and you implying we should announce our presence to the locals. One of which was clearly an unpunished murderer "Ryan said.

Shane simply shrugged. "I don't remember saying anything like that" he said. He was doing a good job of appearing unaffected by all of this. Ryan wanted to argue with him but knew it would be pointless; he wouldn't admit to be afraid especially with other people around.

Ryan checked the GPS and focused on the normal task of driving in an effort to push the fear away. They were getting closer to their location and the highway roads were quickly giving way to residential, small town roads which wasn't exactly comforting; every other building seemed to be boarded up and the characters on the street looked anything but welcoming. At this point Ryan was just eager to get this done as quickly as possible and get the hell out of here.

Ryan wasn't okay with any of this; he thought visiting the site of murder was stretching it a bit even though he was sure the fans would love it. This wasn't like the Lizzie Borden House where the murder had taken place a hundred years ago. The span of that many years had a way of making you feeling emotionally detached from the horror of it. When it had been less than twenty years? It felt very close and very unsettling. Still, Ryan didn't want to make a big fuss about it. He had locations that were absolutely off limits for him like the Suicide Forest; he would put his foot down on things like that. But he got so much shit for getting worked up over ghosts and demons that he didn't want to make big deal over this, especially when he didn't actually have to go inside. He'd do what he always did; suck it up and get through it.

"Wow, look at that gem right there. I bet you get some good vibes from this place, huh?" Shane asked with a laugh as they pulled up to the curb next to the house that had been so affectionately dubbed the Bloody Murder House.

Ryan tried not to be annoyed with Shane; he was just being his usual jackass self. Ryan on the other hand felt like he was going to be sick.

The place looked fucking awful…..even before the terrible murders it was obvious that the house had not been that great. The outside was a patchwork of different colored sidings that looked as though it had literally been nailed together, the roof had given way to large open holes since being abandoned and part of it was charred as if it had been burned but somehow survived. The lawn was so overgrown Ryan already felt like he was itching and the only buildings surrounding it were long abandoned trailers. All of this was to say nothing about what the bloody insides must look like. It wasn't a tourist attraction like the Ax Murder House in Iowa so why didn't they just tear it down? The place looked cursed…..Based on what he'd seen of the town at large, they probably didn't have the money.

"This place looks fucking awful…..let's just get this over" Ryan said. He felt cold and his hands were shaking; his body was soon flooding with adrenaline but Ryan forced himself to push himself out of the car.

Ryan had a lot of experience of pushing through his worry and anxiety but even so he was surprised at how he managed to actually get through the shoot. They had already shot the background story bits in their studio back at Buzzfeed and of course they were hilarious and full of chemistry; for obvious reasons every episode this season had been noticeably happy and fun. Of course, shooting at a murder house wasn't fun or funny and Ryan wasn't going to shoot it that way. He was just happy he managed to point out key locations around the house and recall the details of the case without having a nervous breakdown. The sun was beginning to set and Ryan couldn't get over the sensation that those empty, black windows were somehow staring at him.

They were packing up the equipment and Ryan was feeling the delightful rush of relief that came from leaving a terrible place when he noticed Shane wasn't on the lawn with everyone else. When Ryan turned around he saw Shane hunched over, peering into one of the awful, soul piercing windows.

"What are you doing? Come on, let's get out of here" Ryan urged him in a hushed tone. He was beginning to sweat again and felt the hairs on the back of his head neck stand up. The feeling of being watched was overwhelming even though he knew logically it was his imagination.

Shane turned slowly around and whispered, "I think someone's in there"

Ryan's blood instantly went cold; every hair on his body was standing at attention. He wanted to believe that Shane was messing with him; it would be such a Shane thing to do to pretend they were being watched knowing how scared Ryan was of that very thing. But he knew Shane too well; he was pale and there was actual fear in his eyes. It was a rare and one that sent ripples of fear through Ryan. Shane only got scared when things were REALLY scary.

"Stop messing around…..come on. Let's just go!" Ryan hissed. His voice betrayed his fear with the cracking and shaking in his words but he didn't care. He could barely breathe, barely THINK and he just wanted to get the hell out of here.

"I'm not messing around!" Shane insisted. "I saw people moving and I swear I heard voices in there!"

Shane was 100% serious Ryan could tell. Ryan almost felt dizzy from fear and didn't care in the least how scared he came off as. "It's probably some fucking squatters" Ryan said, "And I don't want to be here when some dude comes out here raging on meth. Let's get the FUCK out of here! That is an order….."

Ryan hated to play that card; the Dom card. It was something he did occasionally in this way but usually he didn't like to be so severe about it. He didn't want his commands to be threats but sometimes it was warranted. He knew how Shane was and knew if nothing else that his eager to please nature would convince him.

Ryan HAD convinced Shane; he could see some relief come into Shane's eyes as he stood up to go. And then they heard the scream…..


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Shane disobeys an order from Ryan he gets a severe punishment. When Ryan pushed things too far they both learn something deeper about themsevles and their relationship together.

Everyone always thought they knew what a true blood curdling scream sounded like but every horror movie he'd ever seen did not prepare Ryan for the horror of hearing a scream like that, especially when it was coming from that godforsaken house. That house that should have had absolutely no one inside it.

People were always accusing Ryan of being a coward but he'd never actually felt like one until that moment. Because while his first instinct at the sound of that scream was to run in the opposite direction, Shane's first reaction was to run INTO the house after the source of that scream.

"Shane! Get back here right now!" Ryan screamed at him but there was no point. Shane was already disappearing into the house.

Ryan felt as if he had never known true fear until that moment. He absolutely did NOT want to go into that house. A million possibilities of what that scream was in response of flashed through his head, each one more terrifying than the last.

Ryan was so scared that he had reached a point beyond a panic attack. His legs shook like jelly, his heart raced so fast that it hurt and the world spun dizzily but it was so terrifying it was like he couldn't accept it. Because even though he knew true evil, maybe even death, could be inside that house and even though he'd had every plan to bolt, he was now walking towards it. Apparently he was utterly insane...

But SHANE was inside there...whatever he had with Shane and no matter how big it was he'd never imagined he'd throw himself in harm's way this way for him but yet here he was, tearing through the knee length weeds and pushing through the door hanging on its hinges.

The inside was even worse than he'd imagined. He couldn't see blood splatters on the walls like he'd thought he'd be able to but that was because everything was covered in so much in grim it was all shades of black and grey. So much water had leaked in from the holes in the roof everything was rotted and molded and the smell was absolutely disgusting. And of course the screaming...that high pitched feminine scream of terror rang in his ears so that he knew he'd never forget it. But then there was something else. It was another scream but it wasn't like the first. It was SHANE...

The moments before this seemed like bliss when compared with the utter terror that filled Ryan at the sound of that scream. His lungs seized up as if someone had punched him in the stomach, his throat went dry and he had to actively fight off the dizzying urge to vomit or pass out. He'd heard Shane scream a lot in the past few months. Usually it was a sound that brought him joy because it was a scream elicited by his actions. He'd grown to love Shane's scream; it made him feel powerful and in control. But THIS scream? It was nothing like that...it was only from pure pain.

"Shane! Shane!" Ryan was running through that awful house screaming before he made a conscious effort to do so. It was stupid, reckless, dangerous...and Ryan didn't care. Every step through the muck and debris crunching under his feet brought him closer to Shane.

Ryan felt it would have been melodramatic to say that everything faded away but it did in that moment. The godawful house, the murder lore, and the potential for bodily harm…..all that faded away and was replaced by simply…..SHANE.

Ryan saw in his mind's eye the day he met Shane. He saw that hot, bright summer day when suddenly he was being introduced to this long limbed lanky man. Shane was awkward and quiet that day, as he usually was with people he didn't know well yet but Ryan still felt something special was there; when Shane smiled slightly at him he'd felt a little spark inside his chest that seemed like it was something even when it wasn't yet.

He saw a million little moments in their lives together that might have not meant anything but really came to mean everything when you thought it was the end. He thought about their first episode together and all of the emotions it brought. He wasn't sure how things would go with this new host and he felt he was overcompensating; trying to be too funny, too smart, too clever, trying to make it all too interesting…and yet there was Shane who was so naturally funny and chill. Ryan had thought in that moment how could anyone be so totally at ease? But that was just Shane…..he was just naturally that at ease and funny.

He thought about the time he and Shane had been caught in a rainstorm. They'd been filming at a godforsaken mental hospital where Ryan had been absolutely terrified. As they had been leaving and Ryan was feeling that wonderful blissful rush of adrenaline that meant they were done, they'd stepped out into the open air and been assaulted by a wave of warm, summer rain. Ryan had momentarily felt annoyed until he saw Shane running out into the downpour of rain with a smile on his face. "Come on!" Shane had screamed, a look of utmost joy on his face. With rain running down his cheeks, his lips drawn in happiness, hands stretched out in abandonment…Ryan couldn't say no. they'd ran around the street splashing in puddles and throwing water at each other like they were little kids again.

He thought about the first time they'd gone to In-and-Out. They had dared each other how much they could eat. Ryan had wanted to win but of course Shane had won; he'd downed an amazing amount of burgers and fries but in the end he'd been moaning about his aching belly. Ryan had rolled over in laughter because Shane's face was covered in cheese and ketchup and he hadn't bothered to tell him until Shane was getting weird looks from passersby.

He thought about the first birthday he'd had while he'd known Shane and how he'd told him his birthday wasn't that big of deal but of course he'd come into the office to find his desk covered in balloons, streamers and a huge cake. And Shane had practically screamed the "Happy Birthday' song so of course everyone else in the office noticed and joined in because that was just so SHANE…

He thought about all of those times that they had been sleeping in horrible places like old houses, hospitals and asylums and he could feel Shane lying next to him; he'd been warm and comforting and Ryan had liked those stolen moments of touch; he had enjoyed then even when he didn't fully understand why he enjoyed them so much yet. All those cold, dark, scary nights had been better simply because Shane was THERE…..

And of course he thought about the more recent memories. He thought of that first kiss he and Shane had shared in the darkness of his room, tentative and shy, and all the dozens of ones that had followed. Stolen kisses and touches in his car, behind the building at work, on his couch watching a movie, in the bright sunshine on his stoop after having slept together all night…..he thought about the way that Shane felt molded against him when they slept; perfect, soft, and warm…..And Ryan felt a lump in his throat because he could not imagine the reality of never being able to have that again. Why…..WHY had Shane not listened to him when he'd told him to leave?

It felt like a million years but it couldn't have been longer than a minute, running through the house looking for Shane while their life together flashed through his brain and he was seized with the horrible idea that this might the end of it all. In the last awful, disgusting room in that house, Ryan finally found Shane.

"Shane!" It sounded like a scream and a sigh of relief all rolled into one. Ryan was so relieved that his legs felt like jelly and he had to hold onto the door frame to keep them from giving out from under him.

Because there was Shane-I've-got-a-death-wish-Madej, pinning down a grubby looking character while a woman coward in the corner. And even though it was the strangest situation they had absolutely ever been in, Shane was fine. And that was when relief coursed so strongly through him that he dizzily collapsed on the ground.

Turns out, Shane was a legit HERO. Thanks to the rest of the crew's level headedness, they had called the cops the moment Shane and Ryan had disappeared into the house after the sound of that scream. A few minutes after Ryan had found Shane, the cops had burst into the house and arrested the man and escorted the woman to safety. Ryan felt a chill run down his back when the cops had told them that they had been looking for this guy for months and that he was wanted to for at least five assaults on women in the area.

Shane was absolutely jovial over the whole thing; he chatted with the police and laughed as if this was a normal thing. He wasn't acting as if he'd had a near death experience. He wasn't thinking about all that could have gone wrong. He wasn't imagining what would have happened had that guy had a gun or knife. He was LAUGHING and cutting jokes with the cops while Ryan thought about all of this, standing in the cold rain and leaning against the car. He was being ridiculous, he knew he was. Shane had saved that woman from a terrible fate and put a criminal behind bars where he couldn't hurt anyone else. He should be given a fucking prize. And yet here was Ryan standing off by himself POUTING…..what the HELL was wrong with him?

Everyone was getting into the car and the police were pulling away when Ryan noticed Shane coming over, his face broke into a broad smile. He looked ecstatic; Ryan had worked himself into feeling miserable, focusing on the cold wet cling of his clothes.

"Hey, I guess we can't call the show Unsolved anymore, huh?" Shane asked happily, leaning on the car next to him. He was watching Ryan closely, eagerly. Ryan knew what he was looking for; praise, approval, Ryan's adoration. Ryan should have easily been giving it to him. Instead, his lips felt like they were glued together; he simply didn't know what to say. Ryan was so completely FULL of emotions he felt like he was going to explode. He WAS proud of Shane; of course he was….look what he had done. But he was still mad Shane had so willing to throw himself into a dangerous situation, that he seemed to have such lack of concern for his own safety. But more than that, the whole situation had made Ryan feel unbelievably worried and needy; he could have lost Shane and that made him feel like he needed to cry and cling to Shane. And somehow all of that translated into more anger. For some reason the anger was quickly overtaking all of the other emotions swirling through him, making him feel flushed and angry.

When Ryan didn't answer or laugh, Shane's whole demeanor changed. The smile faded away, his eyes looked away from Ryan for a second and he visibly seemed to deflate. Shane was such an eager to please sub and Ryan always WANTED to please him so the fact that he had put that look there crushed him. He felt even shitter than before but the storm of anger inside of him still wouldn't go away.

"Ry….are you okay?" Shane asked. His voice was soft, concerned. He was asking Ryan if he was okay when Ryan should have been asking him if HE was okay. He was the one who had tackled a dangerous rapist after all.

Shane put a tentative hand on Ryan's arm and though some part of him wanted to lean into it, Ryan found himself flinching away. "I'm fine" he said shortly, his words curt and very clearly NOT fine.

It wasn't lost on Shane. "Are you sure?" he asked. He looked so understanding, so concerned…Ryan could feel that awful pit of sadness and angst that had nearly consumed him when he thought he was going to lose Shane beginning to well up inside him. I almost lost you…you could have died….it would have destroyed me…the thoughts were reverberating throughout his head, echoing like a loud scream. Ryan dangerously felt a lump forming in his throat and his eyes trying to prick with tears. And because he had to be such a fucking macho guy, it made him respond in anger.

"No I'm fucking not sure" Ryan said, turning around to face Shane. "Do you WANT to die? Because you realize that was a really fucking dangerous thing to do don't you?"

Shane was clearly not expecting this reaction. He paled slightly, his mouth hanging open in surprise. He stuttered a few times, trying to find the words when he was very clearly crestfallen, before he could form words.

"No…..of course I don't WANT to die" Shane said. "Ryan, I'm fine. Nothing happened. It's no big deal"

Only Shane could characterize charging into a murder house after a rapist 'no big deal'. It only incensed Ryan more. "It could have been a big deal! What if that guy had had a gun? What if you couldn't hold him down? What if there had been a group of people in there? What would have happened then?"

Shane paled to the point he looked ill. "I….I don't know…."he said simply.

"That's right…..you didn't even think about it. You just recklessly charged in there even after I told you….ORDERED you not to….."Ryan realized he was yelling because the rest of the crew was staring at them now. Ryan felt his face heat up, feeling everyone's eyes on him. He lowered his voice. "We'll discuss this more at home" he said darkly, leaning up close into Shane's face.

Ryan knew that's all it would take and he wasn't wrong. Shane's face fell and his long limbs almost seemed to deflate as walked to the car. He knew exactly what 'discussing' it meant. And it was the exact opposite of what his submissive soul wanted.

The ride back home was VERY uncomfortable. Ryan's eyes were trained on the road, his knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel, his stomach sick with churning rage and self-loathing BECAUSE of his rage. No one spoke and the air was heavy with fatigue and emotional wear; everyone could sense that everyone else just wanted to be home and away from everyone else.

It was even worse after they had dropped everyone else off and it was just Ryan and Shane. Ryan was still pulsing with anger and that strange urge to cry and Shane was just sitting THERE so well, staring silently, dejectedly, at his hands in his lap. Ryan wasn't sure exactly what he would do when they got to his apartment but something was pulsing deeply, eagerly, inside of him and he didn't understand what it wanted.

It was late when they finally pulled up to his house. The cold night sky was clear and full of stars; under different circumstances it would have been the perfect night to simply lay outside on a blanket watching the stars with Shane, ideally doing more making out than star gazing. As it was, Ryan felt sick to his stomach and was overly aware of Shane's shamed head hanging next to him.

Ryan got out of the car but realized Shane did not follow him. Even by the time he walked around the car to open Shane's door, he was still sitting there, looking miserable and refusing to look at anything but his own hands.

"Come on…..get out of the car. Now" Ryan barked. It sounded so harsh and cruel it surprised even him. Shane flinched but he didn't make any move to get out. It infuriated Ryan unduly.

"I'm not going to ask again…..if you know what's good for you, you'll get out of the damn car." Ryan barked. Shane looked so dejected that Ryan wondered if he might actually have to drag him out of the car this time.

But he didn't…after a few long pauses Shane pulled himself out of the car, head hung and began to follow Ryan into the house. Ryan was practically PULSING with energy….he could feel it in his head, his hands, his feet and obscenely, his cock. He could feel Shane walking behind him and everything seemed in slow motion; the key in the lock, the pushing of the door open, the flickering on of lights. Ryan felt in conflict; he wasn't sure if he wanted to smack Shane or kiss him. That was, until he turned around and caught sight of him.

Shane looked so sad and miserable…he couldn't meet Ryan's eyes for more than a second. He looked so downtrodden and dejected it should have been enough for Ryan but somehow it only spurred him on. Ryan marched up to Shane, getting as close to him as he could without touching him, looking up into his face. Shane looked away, his face red and pained.

"Tell me why you disobeyed me tonight" Ryan barked. He looked at Shane's face, willing himself to bore into Shane's face so he'd look at him.

Shane didn't look at him though; he closed his eyes and almost looked as if he was going to cry. "I was just trying to help…..I just wanted to help" Shane said, his voice cracking.

Ryan should have been affected but he wasn't other than a swift feeling of blood rushing around his body. "But I told you we were leaving…I told you it was an order…..and you decided you knew better and just ignored me" Ryan said, hands on hips face looking into Shane's glaring.

Shane hung his head; his eyes closed and he refused to look at Ryan. "I'm sorry...I'm really sorry" he said. His voice so sad and sorry sounding it was pitiful. Ryan knew it was pitiful, he knew Shane was sorry...and yet it was as if he was powerless to stop the burning rage in his stomach making him feel sick.

"No you're not...if you really wanted to listen, if you wanted to be GOOD, you'd have listened in the first place" Ryan seethed, leaning into Shane's face menacingly. It sounded so angry, so mad...Ryan felt powerful and that feeling was better than all of the sadness, worry and loss.

It was too much for Shane; he crumpled to the ground, sitting next to Ryan's feet, his face in his hands. Ryan felt like his heart was made of stone; that's the only thing that could account for how cold and harsh he was now.

"Hey! You decided to disobey, not me, so don't be crying about it. Get up" Ryan barked, kicking Shane slightly to prod him to get up. It wasn't that bad; he definitely could have kicked him harder.

Shane flinched, looking tearful as his eyes connected with Ryan's. He looked miserable but he got up as Ryan commanded and didn't argue. Ryan almost wished he WOULD argue; it would give him reason to be meaner.

"Go to the bedroom. Now" Ryan ordered, pointing to the bedroom like Shane was a naughty dog told to get.

Shane knew his punishment was coming; he looked up quickly, his eyes wide and his face flushed. He looked panicked. "No...no please. I'm sorry. Please don't whip me" he practically begged.

Ryan relished the panic; it made him feel even stronger. He knew if Shane REALLY didn't want to do this now he'd use the safe words so the fact that he didn't proved some part of him WANTED to be punished. The idea made a flush of pleasure come over him.

Ryan smacked Shane on the face; hard enough to sting but not too hard. Shane clutched his cheek pitifully, his eyes tearing but refusing to cry.

"Did you say no to me? Did you say NO after all you've already done? Shame on you..." Ryan said, his voice heavy with disappointment.

Shane looked sadder and more pitiful than Ryan had ever seen him; his face was red and pained, looking away from Ryan. Rather than inciting any kind of sympathy like it normally would, it just made Ryan feel annoyed. He knew it was irrational; he was just so pulsing with emotions and feelings all jumbled confusingly together that he couldn't make sense of anything other than how desperately he wanted to hit Shane. The slap to the face and the response it garnered only made Ryan hungry for more.

Shane didn't speak; he didn't try to defend himself in favor of staring shamefully down at the ground. Ryan was a bit disappointed he didn't argue.

"Go to the bedroom….right now" Ryan said. He didn't have to try but it still came out as the hardest, harshest tone he was sure had ever come out of his mouth.

Shane had argued the first time but he knew better than to do it twice. Looking pale as a sheet, he stumbled quickly in the direction of the bedroom, leaving Ryan standing seething in the living room.

Ryan wanted to give Shane adequate time to worry and obsess about what his punishment would be like. He was always so much more pliant and needy if he made him wait and build up the anticipation. And there was something of the anticipation for Ryan too; he'd pace around the apartment, knowing he needed to wait but just so desperately wanting….it…..now…

But this time was different…..though Ryan was usually pulsing with anticipation in a delicious, aroused way, he now just felt angry and irritatingly eager. He wanted to make Shane suffer a bit so he didn't just got to the bedroom but he could have…..He paced the room a bit but that just seemed to make him feel more pulsed with energy. He went to the fridge, grabbed a beer and chugged in record time that would have made his college self proud but it only seemed to amp up the levels of raging testosterone coursing through his blood.

Ryan forced himself to pace around the room a few more times after crushing the beer can in anger before he began to walk down the hallway, his footsteps intentionally louder than they needed to be so Shane would hear him coming down the hallway. He could imagine Shane sitting on the bed, clutching himself and shivering in felt himself flush with pleasure at the idea of it and it made him walk faster.

Ryan burst through his bedroom door so quickly that the door banged off the wall and made such a thud that Shane jumped. He was exactly where Ryan had expected him to be; perched on the edge of the bed looking scared and worried.

"Get on the floor….on your knees…..back to me" Ryan barked. He had order Shane to do similar things before but somehow he felt this was different. He felt the sensation he'd been feeling for the past week that something was building up, that something was going to HAPPEN was almost so strong that he wasn't sure what exactly he wanted to do.

To Shane's credit, he did exactly as Ryan asked; he hopped off the bed as if shocked and kneeled on the floor next to Ryan, his back turned. Normally, Ryan preferred Shane to face him so he could see his expression; now, he wanted only to see the change on his flesh as he whipped him. Ryan went to the closet where he held the tools, locating quickly the cane that Shane hated more than anything else he used, grabbing it with relish. When he came back to Shane, kneeling on the floor so obediently, Ryan grabbed the hem of his shirt and wrenched it up and over Shane's head.

That should have been the sign to stop and not continue tonight. He and Shane had never had a BDSM encounter so close to each other and there was a reason for that. Their last night doing this was only a week ago and Shane's body was the reminder. He was mostly healed; at least he didn't have red lashes or welts. The bruises along his back were obviously healing, dark purple in the middle but yellowing around them. But that was the thing; they WERE healing…they weren't HEALED yet. Normally, Ryan would have cared…it was alarming that tonight he didn't.

Shane's head hung heavily, his whole demeanor full of sadness and depression. It almost made Ryan wish that he hadn't made Shane keep his back to him; he'd love to see the expression of despair on his face.

"Well, do you have anything to say for yourself? Want try and explain what you were thinking tonight? Want to tell me what the hell you were trying to do?" Ryan asked in a severe voice, standing behind Shane so closely that he knew Shane would feel him hovering behind him. He was waiting for Shane to argue, to turn around like he wasn't supposed to, to backtalk….. he was eagerly anticipating the fight. His hands shook, his head felt swimming and anger coursed through his blood like a drug strengthening him. He WANTED that fight…

But he didn't get it…Shane didn't look at him, he didn't backtalk or try to fight. If anything he crumpled more on himself, smaller and more dejected, and spoke so softly that Ryan almost couldn't hear the whisper that came out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry….

Ryan couldn't explain what it was; later he would look back on it and describe it as seeing red because that was as close a comparison as he could imagine describe it as. It was like everything in his head disappeared and was just filled with a black cloud of nothingness that consumed all his judgement and sympathy and left nothing in its wake. There was something in Shane's apology, something in his refusal to answer Ryan's question that simply made him snap. There was no reason for it and he would have no explanation later; in that moment he simply became blindly cruel.

It was all a haze…normally when Ryan beat Shane he was hyper focused on every little detail. He was aware of the color changes on Shane's skin, aware of every sound that came out of Shane's mouth, aware of all of the normal sounds around them that faded into insignificance when compared with the sound of a whip on skin and the sound of moaning…..normally he was aware of all of the changes in his own body as well, as his breath quickened, his heart raced and blood inevitably rushed southward in eagerness. This time however there seemed to be absolutely nothing but all consuming anger until words broke through the silence of the room and the loud swirling abyss that was Ryan's mind.

"Ghosts are real! Ghosts are real! I said it…..please STOP!"

And just like that…..everything stopped. Ryan snapped out of whatever trance he was in and was instantly assaulted with brightness of the room, oppressive heat from the Shane and his own body, pain in his arm from how hard he was swinging it…the crop fell out of his sweaty hand and hit the floor with surprisingly loudness against the carpet.

Whatever storm had taken over Ryan's body was fully gone now and Shane was the reason why…..because 'Ghosts are real' wasn't just something that he hoped Shane would one day believe…..it was his SAFE word. And he had never felt the need to say them until now. And if he HAD said them it was because RYAN had messed up.

Ryan had read a lot of stories about notorious murders and he'd always found it unbelievable when people claimed that they had totally checked out and had 'woken up' to discover they had murdered someone or done something else equally horrible. How could someone POSSIBLY mentally be totally unaware of the horrible things their body was doing? He'd always thought it was a cop out, a way out of jail. Now, he understood it…

Because right now Ryan felt as if time had vaulted forward and he was left to guess what had happened in the middle. Only, it was worse because he knew HE had done this…..

"Ghosts are real…stop hurting me…."

Shane was crumpled on the ground, face in his hands and the sound of his voice was nothing short of miserable sobbing like Ryan had never heard. Stop hurting me…that absolutely broke Ryan's heart. It ripped from Shape's lips like the sound of a wounded animal and spoke of the worst kind of failure of his as a dom. Because somewhere along the line he had gone from disciplining Shane to HURTING him….

Ryan was horrified….normally he enjoyed the sight of the bruises and welts on Shane's back as evidence of his handiwork but what he saw now shocked and disgusted him. Shane's pale back was utterly destroyed. Below everything else was the fading bruises he already had but on top of that was such a myriad of red, pulsing welts that looked so angry that Ryan was surprised they weren't bleeding. It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't sexy…it was only a reminder that he had actually HURT Shane.

"Oh my god...oh my god...Shane...I'm so...sorry" Ryan's voice sounded like an empty ghost of itself. His legs were shaking as much as his hands and he let himself fall to the ground, his knees taking the painful brunt of his weight. Shane's face was still in his hands, his shoulders were still shaking...what Ryan could see of his face was pale. When Ryan tried to touch him, he flinched away in fear. Ryan felt like he'd taken a sucker but punch to the gut.

Ryan looked down at his hands as if they were something foreign, as if they were dangerous traitors capable of harming someone without his consent. But they weren't...they were part of him and he HAD made the decision to hurt Shane. He remembered the strength of his fury, how desperately mad he'd been. He had WANTED to hurt Shane...he wanted to hurt him and he had. The revelation made Ryan feel sick to his stomach. He knew he could get angry, maybe too angry sometimes but was he one of THOSE guys? The kind of guy who got mad and blew up, taking out whoever was weaker around them in a fit of rage? He fucking hated those guys...they were abusers...he refused to be like that.

"Shane, please...I'm so sorry!" Ryan said, trying not to sound desperate as he reached toward Shane and begged him not to pull away. He dearly hoped if he sounded somewhat calm maybe he could convince Shane what had happened wasn't as bad as it seemed. He felt a bit sick doing so...he knew it WAS a big deal and he was disgusted with himself for it. But at the same time he selfishly didn't want Shane to realize how damaged he was. If he did, all of this could go away and Ryan knew he couldn't handle that. All the feelings from earlier, the self-consciousness, the loss, the need, the wonderful moments with Shane he might lose all flashed before his eyes and pressed down on him with such heavy urgency that he felt like he couldn't breathe.

Shane didn't say anything or do anything but he didn't pull away this time when Ryan tried to touch him. Ryan felt such relief flood through him his legs felt shaky and weak with it; his fingers rested gently on Shane's arm, barely touching him but he could feel Shane's warmth flooding into his own finger tips. That one whisper of a touch made Ryan realize how hungry, how desperate he was for more…now that the anger had fizzled away from him, it left him feeling needy. He wanted more…..he NEEDED more. Ryan only resisted the temptation to grab Shane and crush him to himself because he didn't want to hurt him further; the red angry welts on Shane's pale were too noticeable, making Ryan's guilt increase.

Even though he could hold back a bit and not smother Shane, he still needed SOMETHING; being as bold as he dared to be, Ryan gently grabbed Shane's arms and pulled him toward him. Ryan held his breath, waiting for Shane to push away or curse him. But that didn't happen…as Ryan tried to gently guide Shane toward him, Shane leaned slightly toward Ryan so that his face was against Ryan's chest and when Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane to hold him, he didn't resist that either. It felt so damn good…..Shane's warm, long body against his own, the heat of his breath against his chest…..it all confirmed to Ryan he was alive and well and HERE. He hadn't realized until that moment just how much he had needed to feel that since the scare at the murder house.

"I wasn't trying to be bad…I really wasn't" Shane said in a muffled, emotional voice against Ryan's chest and Ryan felt really, genuinely BAD…..

Normally after a scene, Ryan liked to hear Shane be penitent and remorseful for what he had done; it showed he learned his lesson and that Ryan had been right in his punishment. But everything about this was WRONG…the whole scene, the whole night had been WRONG. It had been wrong for him to get so angry…..it had been wrong for him to punish Shane for something that he should have been praising him for…it had been wrong for him to hit Shane so hard he had to safe word…it had been wrong that after all of that Shane still felt like the guilty one. And it was definitely wrong Shane still felt the need to still apologize…..

And Ryan couldn't let it stand. Normally, he wouldn't apologize for his punishments or what he had said during them but this wasn't a normal night. He had been WRONG…..he'd been wrong to punish Shane and he'd been wrong to make him use his safe word. Though it went against his nature to admit he was wrong, he'd be a terrible dom and a terrible friend, if he couldn't admit he'd been wrong when he'd made such a huge mistake.

Ryan grabbed Shane by the arms and pulled him back so he could look into his eyes. Shane's face was pale and sweaty, his eyes red and puffy; he tried to look away from Ryan but he made him look at him and just pretended not to notice he'd been crying.

"Listen to me, Shane" Ryan said, his voice firm and serious. His hands came up to hold Shane's face and Shane put his hands over top of Ryan's where they held his face; they were ice cold.

"You are NOT bad" Ryan said, resisting the urge to shake Shane to make it really sink in. "I was WRONG…..nothing you did today was bad. Sometimes orders are made to be broken and when I ordered you to stay out, that should have been ignored. You saved that woman from a terrible fate. You saved everyone in that town from that guy hurting them…I should have been praising you for that. I didn't….but I am now. You did AMAZING Shane…you were brave when I was a coward. You did something truly heroic…..you did a fucking good job"

Ryan knew Shane would eat it up and he really deserved it; though it had been foolish in terms of his own personal safety it had been heroic in the fact he'd literally saved someone's life. They talked about murders all the time but Shane had actually fucking took down a criminal. If that shouldn't have shown Shane how brave he was and put Ryan to shame, then he didn't know what would.

He could see Shane's reddened eyes light up at the gushing praise; it was always what he wanted. But just as quickly he could see doubt and fear cloud those eyes. "But why….why…..?"Shane asked though he didn't finish his sentence and Ryan was frankly a bit grateful. He wasn't sure he could hear Shane ask, 'But why did you hurt me?' because surely that's what he would have asked…if you were so proud of me, why hurt me?

Again, Ryan wanted to shake Shane but he didn't; he felt himself almost explode with need to make Shane realize he was amazing and that Ryan was a total ass for the way he acted this whole night.

"Because I ….was scared" Ryan admitted with hesitance, not knowing if doms were allowed to admit they were scared. "I know how you are….I know you're brave….maybe even stupidly so…I knew as soon as I heard that scream that I had lost you. You think about everyone before yourself and I knew you'd be gone…..and I was fucking terrified. I thought for a few terrible, horrible moments that I'd lost you…..I…..I don't know…I just…..I kept thinking about what would happen if I couldn't get to you…..I kept thinking about that lunatic getting to you and I…..I fucking lost my mind. I thought about what would happen if I lost this…..lost….you…..and…"

Ryan was not the best at discussing his feelings; in fact he was terrible at it. He wasn't sure he could possibly articulate how desperate and needy and anxious he'd been thinking about losing Shane. He was glad that he didn't have to…sitting on the floor next to his bed feeling physically shitty because he was dirty and tired and emotionally shitty because he's hurt the one person who really mattered, Ryan was overtaken by a wave of warmth from Shane as his lips connected with Ryan's.

Long arms wrapped around him and Ryan felt himself collapsing like a rag doll; with eyes closed in contentedness, his mouth opened as a tongue prodded his lips and sought its way in. And it was everything he needed…the feel of arms around him, lips against his own, a tongue deliciously probing his mouth….Ryan got lost in how wonderful a kiss from Shane could be and it was the best way in getting lost…..

Ryan hadn't realized how much he'd needed this…he wrapped his arms around Shane, pulling him close, tightly flush against himself, and breathing in everything about this moment. The scent of Shane; despite being covered in dirt and grim from the crime scene Ryan could still smell the musky, sweaty, familiar scent of Shane that was now like the scent of old familiar blanket.

His hands...so soft they had surprised Ryan when he first felt them against his skin with those ridiculously long fingers. Those hands that somehow were feather light against his skin as they touched him and simultaneously gripping him so tightly as if afraid he's fade away.

The press of his face against Ryan's own...that slightly rough scrape of his chin right before he go clock shadow and the very unfamiliar feeling of tears as they ran off his cheeks.

And of course those familiar lips...lips that could cut with their words but could turn him to mush when they were moving against his own.

All of it made Ryan feel weak, as if he were melting into the floor under Shane's touch. His mind should have been turned off because his body was so very ACTIVE and alive at all of the sensations but he couldn't help but remember even as he was enveloped by Shane's long limbs that he had come so close to losing him. The mere thought of it made him feel a tight lump in his throat that wouldn't go away. Grabbing onto Shane's arms tightly, he pulled him closer and didn't let go until he felt weak from lack of air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, please tell me what you guys think! Will do my best to get the next chapter up soon, as it contains *spolier alert* lots of sexy times ;) it was simply too long to add it to this chapter.


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